You don't need to persuade her of this. Remember that words will not solve your problem. Actions will.

It doesn't matter if she is doubtful right now. Just fix the problem (the boundaries). Her faith in you will come later.

Thanks again everyone, I am getting ready to leave work here soon so chances are I will be gone for awhile, no I am not posting here secretly she knows I do it, she just doesnt like the advice here (at least thats what she telle me) so I do it sparingly. I guess I will continue with gentle persantance all thats been advised of me here. I won't lie, there are days when I feel like giving up, but I will not. It truely was the biggest mistake of my life, without a doubt

Sometimes I keep posting and don't know when to stop.


You are very welcome. I hope some of the things I'm saying are helpful.

Let her know that, for awhile at least, most of the advice will be that we are simply kicking your butt! If you properly understand our advice and we are doing our jobs, she will like most of what we have to say.

But make sure you don't try to debate with her or educate her or argue with her about it. That is disrespectful. It will make her hate you; it's a withdrawal from your account in her love bank.

Others can dip into this further and pull out Dr Harley's comments but I've often heard him say we are all wired to have affairs.

Not sure that is the explanation you want to provide your W at this time but that is the reason why Dr Harley emphasizes EPs. Because given the opportunity we all are tempted.

By the way: according to Dr. Harley, a committed husband can usually eventually win his wife over with the right actions and behavior. In a marriage there is usually one spouse reluctant to come on board. If it is the wife, but the husband is enthusiastic about (correctly) understanding and applying Dr. Harley's advice, then usually with patient persistence, you are in good shape.

That said - it is her prerogative to decide whether she even wants to recover with you or not. An affair is the worst imaginable trauma that one human being can inflict on another. She is well within her rights to just call it quits.

By the way, if you do email Dr. Harley on his radio show, include your address, because he and his wife usually send you a free book.

Thanks again everyone, let me just throw this out there, because this is basically how the whole affair went. Yes it was a girl I worked with, and it started out mainly when she offered me her number, before that I never really knew she had any interest and it never entered my mind that I had an interest with her either. Well I wanted to fell in love again, but over the course of the three weeks it lasted she had become a pain in the rear end, and more trouble than she was worth (even if I were single) So I would say I never really loved her, but yet I continued to keep it up for three weeks until we finally slept together, then I broke up with her. Why I wanted sex after all that, I know it sounds bad and I am not trying to I am a great guy I know I am not. I should have ended it, or better yet never started it, but still even though I thought she was a pain in the rear, it was like I was thinking clearly anyway. After the sex I was so ashamed, I told her immediatly, called her (again) to break up with her in speaker in front of my wife, so I actually broke up with her twice, and havent seen her since. Dont want to either.

The reason I put all this out there is because is there something anybody sees here that is an actual flaw in me, what is wrong with me? Am I safe?? I want to be, I feel like I will never do this again, like a kid who stuck his finger in a light socket, but maybe she is right, maybe there is something more.

Just want to add I want to be safe again for my wife. At this point all I want is her and our marriage back, and am doing everything I can including following all the advice I am getting here.

Well, "I feel like I will never do this again" is not a boundary.

Learn and practice Dr. Harley's extraordinary precautions that he recommends all couples take to avoid an affair. Make sure that the conditions that led to your affair have been eliminated. Then you will be safe.

Here are eight items Dr. Harley recommends you include in your plan, from the new revision of Surviving an Affair:

Block potential communication with the lover
Account for time
Account for money
Spend leisure time together
Change jobs and relocate, if necessary
Avoid overnight separation
Allow technical accountability
Expose the affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends