jma. You have got to stop listening to his babble.

Right now you are in Plan A which means "showing" him what he will miss if he refuses to commit to your conditions. Be the best you can be and work on yourself to clean up your side of the street.

Plan A for women lasts no longer than 3 weeks. So get busy and do a stellar Plan A.

Can you invite him over for dinner and to see the kids with no relationship talk? Can you think of fun things to do?

You need to leave a beautiful picture in his head of you, his family, and home.

Plan A jma. Plan A. Stay focused.

I don't know PF, he sounded so sure about everything and I don't want to hurt.
I'm scared to initiate any contact now after his outburst, cause I think he sees it all as me wanting us back together. Should I initiate hugs? I don't want to text him or call him at my weak moments.
Plus he said he will not commit, not see a MC, doesn't want to fix anything, we are done forever and he will never consider it again.
He said he wants to be alone, because he never experienced anything in life. Which is true. He came from an extremely abusive home and I have always hated his family for it. I don't feel bad about that because I was the opposite, a free spirit and my parents were not super protective. He was not allowed to eat, watch tv, be outside or speak without permission. He was forced to work at 11 y/o to be allowed to live in his home. The first time he went out, I snuck him out of his [censored] hole at 17 yrs old.
We went from being H.S. couple. Him abused, i dealing with parents divorce. To me getting pregnant senior year, moving in together. And it all went downhill.
I thought I was doing a great Plan A, but he sees it as me acting like nothing is wrong and wanting us back together. We have not hung out except for 2 times, one led to sex. But he does not act horrible then, and laughs etc.
What more can I add to Plan A, if it makes him hate me for being happy and willing to forgive? He already said I look better thab ever (thanks to 8 lbs loss thanks to separation diet lol). We can't go out anywhere because he really has not even a dime on him, and I don't think he would like for me to pay. He had no vehicle to meet with me.
So what can I do?

But you do want to recover your marriage, right? So him seeing that is a good thing to leave in his mind.


One of the hardest parts of Plan A is to do it with NO EXPECTATIONS. Chances are good that a foggy wayward will not respond the way you want and that then becomes a LB for you. NO EXPECTATIONS. Do it for yourself so you will know that you have tried all that you can.


You clean up your side of the street to become the best person you can be. You leave a beautiful picture of "home" in his mind...that picture is all he will have left when you push the Plan B button. Invite him over for dinner to spend time with you and the kids. Have fun. Make home a warm and loving place.

I often read here about people in Plan B who worry that they did not do enough in Plan A to show their WS that it is possible to turn this around.

Don't make that mistake. Get busy with a stellar Plan A. Know that you did all that you could.

PF, he is not allowed in the home. We were staying with my father so that I could dedicate to school full time. Dad will not allow him here.
And in reality, I don't know if I want to recover. Sometimes I feel that there has been too much damage done to each other. He sees it the same way.
But it was so confusing because he admitted he missed me, was texting me daily until I asked him to stop (before MB), said he would like to try later. I really think he is hating me for the job loss, it must have played an extremely large part for him.
I know now that I went into Plan A incorrectly, I had expectations. So I ended up hurt because of it and his outburst.
I will continue Plan A, no talk whatsoever about the R, or our M. Until 8/11/2013. Is that right?
I won't dare think about giving him EP's or conditions yet, until Plan B correct? Just go with the flow. What about hugs, let him initiate?
My goals:
*No sex
*No R or M talk
*Only happy talk
*Financial talk
*Look and feel amazing.
*Make myself happy.

No Plan B until after 8/11/2013.

NG, thank you for your advice. I will get on working on me and what makes me happy. Even though he says I am acting as if nothing is wrong by my being happy. Lol.

You can't change the past but people can turn themselves around and redeem themselves. Following MB principles will give you the best chance of this happening.

Thanks PF, I'm going to continue working on me and changing my thought process to that of no expectations.
So do my goals sound okay for Plan A? And continue them until 8/11/2013?

Are there other threads for Plan A? I have the carrot and stick, but I would like yo read peoples examples of what they did.

Ok so a real rock star Plan A until 8-11.

You live at your dad's and he isn't allowed there? Is that correct?

So can you plan a picnic at a park? When will he be seeing DS5?

Yes BH, he is not allowed here.
He currently has DS5 for the weekend, I am picking him up Sunday at 10am, he got a new job and goes in at 12.
I was planning on picking up his favorite breakfast and wishing him a good first day. Is that too much?
When we meet, do I offer a hug or let him?

As far as his new schedule, I have no idea.
He was saying he wanted to become independent. He was used to me doing everything for him, paying bills, knowing passwords etc. So he asked to be in charge, I agreed.
How can I not get access to the phone records? I am still looking at them and although I see nothing suspicious, I don't want to be able to.

Do you have SAA?

Dr. Harley makes it very clear that men do not like when women chase them. So you need to look good, smell good and be happy and laughing and smiling. Be the radiant jmaguil4 you are. Be strong and loving. What did he love about you when you were dating?

What Love Busters were you guilty of? What are HIS top ENs?

Why doesn't he want you to have the passwords?

You need to show him the kind of marriage he can have with you if he was to commit to recovery.

Listen to this show and see if you get some Plan A ideas. Tell us what you think.

Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

I will see if I can find some more.

BH, I do not have SAA yet, should arrive Monday.

Yeah, I believe you on the not chasing part. When we saw each other and i stated where I stood, I got up and was ready to leave and he asked if that was all, I said yes I'm leaving. He did not want me to leave.

It's just so hard to not want him right now, he is pushing hard to get away and he told me he still feels suffocated by me, and said that even though I apologized for my past mistakes it would not make us better ever. I guess it's the typical push when I pull.

BH, If you read my OP, i talk about how we began as H.S. sweethearts, he broke up with me, then when i stopped wanting him he came back,then teen pregnancy, moving in. I still had a childish mentality and wanted to cause him pain because he broke up with me in H.S..
I know very immature. But it continued that way for me, I did NOT want to make him happy ever! I regret it so much now... If I knew he liked something I would stop doing it unless I benefited.

That's why he says now, that knowing I did all that, plus his unfaithfulness, we will never work.
We both agreed we NEVER actually tried 100% to make each other happy.

My LBs:
Did not show him affection in any way. No massages (he asked every night), no kissing, no touchy feely.
Asking if he loves me.
If he thought I was attractive.
Angry outbursts when things did not go my way. I would destroy his things.
Selfish demands- It always had to be my way or the highway.
Disrespectful Judgments- I did a lot, but because of our past.
Annoying habits- telling him what to do. What's right or wrong.

Honesty and Independent behaviors were his LBs for me.

So I can say that we committed every single LB to each other and maybe there really is no hope.

The day he left, I made him change all of them. I have always had to keep track of everything of his, and organize for him, and I wanted him to do everything on his own.

I don't want his passwords to anything. I have spent so many years in our R having to check on him willing or unwilling, that at the moment I want him to get it all out of his system. That's why I would always find out about OW he was having EA with, and yes they weren't PA's. I found out within the week.

Plus once I got to Plan B, I will give him the EP's which will require complete transparency etc. At the moment, I know it will push him even farther. Like y'all have said, if he doesn't agree to them and we don't work,then I will be saving myself from future heartache.

It may sound stupid, but I know he is not talking to OW. I got in touch with her family during exposure and her. I told her what I did about the exposure, she said she was never talking to him since then, I said okay. If they were talking, he would have called me psycho about embarrassing him, just like his job. I know my H, he does not like people to know his problems.

You do know that the OW can very easily lie to you right? Why would you take her word for it?

Sorry if I missed this, but did you tell your DS5 of his father's affair?

KR, yeah I do understand she can and knowing her past she probably will. I'm taking his word of it, My H's behavior is still the same. He reacts horribly if he is exposed, which he did with his workplace. As far as her, I don't care. If they do choose it then let them be. At this point, I just don't want to know. If he wants to work on us then he will, if not then f*** it.... Then if he does I will give him my conditions, if not I have saved myself.

BH, I did not reveal to DS5. Like I told KR, he does not like exposure, he never had, and reacts horribly. He asked me to not tell DS5. Should I?