I first came across marriage builders in 2003 after I discovered my husbands affair. I forgave him ( children were 8 and 10) . We took the exercises and I worked harder on the areas of emotional important to him

I noted the advice on alcohol, with some concern as a alcohol dependence has featured throughout our marriage. My biggest concern is a tendency to drink straight after work on his own rather than come home. He often was drunk before he got to my door, would then talk rubbish throughout dinner, fall asleep on the couch with yet more drink rather than come to bed.

We have had more major incidents leading to a driving ban and a trip to the ER.

He holds down a good job, earns loads, is good in bed ( when sober) loves his kids and is good company when sober ( I describe it as like living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde).

My children are now 23 and 21. This year in January he handed me a marital nuclear bomb - �3.500 sterling spent on one night in a lap dancing club, ( same thing has happened before and I forgave him in 2011 but told him he was on a zero tolerance rule re lap dancing clubs in 2011) . He also admitted that he had been unfaithful on 2 other occasions and had forged my signature to cash an investment to cover previous lap dancing incidents.

I told him I was now considering myself single. At Easter I wobbled and asked him to come back into my bed and to empty the house of alcohol and take his drinking away from me if he couldn't give up., he agreed but then put barriers up to why he couldn't empty the house.

On 11th May he got steaming drunk and on the 12th I asked for a trial separation - terms of which under we could both date others.

I accepted date from guy I know via work, hubbie now distraught ...wants me back, books relate sends flowers, lyrics and massive emails about his love for me.

The other guy ticks my 4 key emotional needs

Honesty
Conversation
Companionship
Affection

All impossible with an alcoholic ...

Hubbie now saying he has given up drink, please ditch this guy ...

I'm an emotional mess!

You are having an affair. I would notify the mods and have this moved to Surviving an Affair.

I could do with the definition off an affair.

In January when he gave me the marital nuclear bomb he did so with the words

' I don't deserve you, you should find someone else'

We separated ion May 12th. He lives in his own place 80 miles away. We agreed dating was part of our terms.

So nothing is being hidden from him.

It doesn't matter if it's hidden or not. You are a married woman until the divorce is final.

An affair is a romantic relationship outside of your marriage. It doesn't matter that your husband offered you a open marriage option. You are still married. If you want to date others, you should get divorced first. Otherwise, it is an affair.

Hi TP and welcome back!


Do you know if your H has really stopped the drinking? Is he in AA? If no, what kind of plan does he have for staying sober?

The open marriage idea was bad, and against MB. It is considered an affair while still married even if you are separated. Of course the new guy is meeting needs currently, it's new and has not yet had the real life challenges of a life together.

I have often heard Dr. Harley say that the biggest problem married people have in life is the spouse, and this is why the affair partner always looks so appealing. This does NOT last!

Ah - so I guess I need to re phrase. Was I right to give up hope on my marriage and start an affair?

Me - 49 married but separated,
Husband - 50 married but separated ( alcoholic cheat financial fraud)
date - 55 divorced

Married 25 and 9 moths years, gave up hope 25 years and 6 months
Together 30 years
mB tried for 10 years

Mod - is their a correct forum for advice on whether it was right to throw in the towel

He has just completed day 2 of no drinking.

Rejected AA when zi took him many years ago.

Wants to control it through willpower, rather than give up forever, but has committed to give up for rest of 2013.

Has booked a one week detox holiday 1-8 August,

Agreed to consider CBT

I totally don't get this. What is a one-week detox holiday? He's going to quit drinking that week? He booked this with whom? And who is 'zi' ?

CBT can be an excellent tool!

The affair is wrong and you need to end contact with OM.

As for the marriage.....I do know it won't work if H keeps drinking, he can't work the MB program with you, or meet your needs. You were not both working MB before anyway, so that hasn't actually been done yet.

2 days is not enough. End the affair and then make up terms and EP's for your H to follow, according to MB, then if he agrees and meets all conditions you can work to rebuild a happy and romantic marriage with him.

If he refuses, I would go into plan B and consider divorce.

Sorry rogue z !

I took him to AA ,

He has booked with a company offering healthy holidays called in spa, The week is a chateau in France offering exercise, yoga, massage, nutrition advice and no alcohol,

They said be needs to give up for the week before too which is this week,

Dr Harley often says that there are reasons why people have affairs but never excuses.

Morally it is wrong. Adultery is wrong.

Legally in the UK anyway adultery is not committed by going on dates.

Many thanks to tismeagain for being constructive,

We both completed the EN questionnaires 10 years ago.

DH did have an article about alcohol admitting that MB cannot work whilst there is an alcohol implicated.

I will need to research 'terms and EP.s' as this acronym I do not know.

I also need to research plan B

Many thanks to tismeagain for advice.

What was your posting name before?

I don't remember forums existing in 2003 .

If they did I didn't post,

We took the questionnaires and llearnt about each others emotional needs. I was so shocked he had cheated on me - I honestly had never thought he would!

I have just re read DH 's ' what to do with an alcoholic spouse' . It makes so much sense and has given me strength. I recommend rather than posting on the forums anyone reading this with a similar situation of an alcoholic husband goes straight to reading DH's own words.

Also anyone quick to judge on this forum, should be aware of the implications of an alcoholic spouse and familiarise themselves with DH's actual views on dealing with this issue before commenting. Directing a poster to read 'what to do with an alcoholic spouse' would be the best advice anyone with no personal experience could give.

Yes. Because, an affair is included in "What to do with an alcoholic spouse."

That article in no way, shape, or form justifies the fact that you are currently involved in an affair.

But, you know what you can do? You can e-mail the radio show; mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Then, you can see if "have an affair, and end your marriage to be with your affair partner" is Dr. Harley's advice. If you include your phone # in the e-mail, you might even be a caller in the show. Plus, you get a free book.

Until then, we who post here daily, and help people save their marriages from abuse, neglect, addiction, and infidelity using Dr. Harley's principals will carry on as we do.

Thank you for the em ail address that is useful.

I cannot see any reference to an affair in what to do with an alcoholic spouse