Very nicely put Mirabelle.


I feel her last post expresses, not delusion, but her hopes. She is much more familiar with her situation than we are so maybe she's right. Her husband appears to have come clean on his own volition so maybe he is committed to ending it. All we can really say at this point is try to convince her that there's a good chance he's still lying because that's what wayward spouses do and that the affair continues based upon the years of experience and thousands of posters that have arrived here with similar fact patterns. I hope she will diligently snoop (think voice activated recording device hidden in his car) and INSPECT what she EXPECTS and I pray she can come back and tell us all we were wrong.

Couple loose ends I wanted to address:




Have you personally spoken to OW's Husband and confirmed these supposed fact yourself?

If yes...ignore the rest of this post.

IF NOT....

It's very common for waywards to develop story lines to protect their affair partners from exposure. It's also very common for married OW to lie/exaggerate about their marriages as they go about seducing their affair partners (please save me!!!). Usually it's that their husbands are abusive and you can't expose because he will beat her. In this case, she became the damsel in distress talking about her husband's supposed proclivity for men and that he "allows" her other sexual partners (how seductive). Couple those facts with telling you they already exposed to him and he didn't care and they have you convinced not to bother exposing to him. Point is...none of it is likely factual. It was prearranged lies to manipulate you. Unless you've already talked to OW's husband yourself...it's unlikely he knows anything.

Finally...if this is the case...DO NOT TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT IT. You find OW's Husband or call him yourself. If you tell your husband that you suspect he's lying and plan to call the OW's husband to confirm he knows...they will go into round two of the manipulation game. Your husband will go nuts and start threatening you and, intermittently, begging you not to do so. He will then erase all evidence of the affair and he'll call OW to forewarn her. She'll then warn her husband about this crazy jealous woman who is about to contact him and LIE. She'll indicate you are the unstable wife of a friend she was innocently trying to help and not to believe anything you say. He loves her so he'll WANT to believe her over you, some stranger on the phone. Thus, your exposure may be neutralized...especially if you don't have any hard evidence.

Godspeed,
Mr. Wondering

Actually...I'd like her to think of herself more as the tugboat pulling her husband out of the fog and back to the lighthouse. It's a romantic notion she has whereupon she hopes "he'll find his way back to me on his own". That would be fine and dandy were this a Harlequin Romance novel but this is real life and their is a marriage and family at stake. He is NOT going to be dropping to his knees begging forgiveness for quite some time. He needs a tow rope on him 24/7 while he remains in decision mode and trying to figure out which life he wants to live. This is a dangerous time in recovery and it's a sickness. His addiction is a sickness that needs treatment and that treatment is observations and accountability to insure absolute "NO CONTACT". That is all that matters right now. Recovery is on the back burner until NO CONTACT is confirmed and endured for at least one month.

Has he changed cell phone numbers?
Can he contact her at work without you knowing?
Do you have all his passwords?
Do you have full access to his phone?
Do you have full access to his car (might have a second affair phone in there)?
Is he checking in constantly?


I know you don't want to but he either allows you to completely babysit him through this period or not. His willingness to be open and accountable will tell you a lot about how truthful he is being. Each time he expresses his discomfort and unwillingness...then you know you've got to be even more restrictive. He says he's "No Contact" so just tell him that you are going to help him do what he says he's going to do and if he has a problem with you helping him he needs to explain why he doesn't need help with "no contact".

It's not like you are enjoying this, right? I mean, who the heck wants to babysit their husband trying to help him overcome his addiction to some skankho?

Mr. W

I think one of the most worrying aspects is the amount of time this couple spends apart. Weekend apart here, weekend apart there.. this is one of the main conditions which led to the A.

Exactly. It is even noted in the first post.

I think that the situation can be turned around but it's really teetering. I was hoping to alert MSBSF to the utter dangerous point she is in now: in particular, she should not leave his side for ONE SECOND.

I agree completely that the story of the BH of the OW sounds suspicious and must be illuminated.

I agree, Mr. W. The lighthouse metaphor is not my own, it comes from a well-populated thread from a while back that seemed to give comfort to BSs:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2346281&page=4

So everyone was right, as I hate to admit it. He brokedown and went to have sex with her while I was away.
He was addicted and [censored] up hard. I am heartbroken but I do know that the affair has ended and is fully revealed (as everyone we know as brought it up with me).
I am trying to deal with my own depression since I found out.
I don't regret going away because I think he revealed to himself how low he has gone. I don't feel like it was my responsibility to keep him away from her. I made it clear what I expected and he was a weak piece of sh-t.
I am trying to figure out whether he is capable of growing up and taking responsiblity for his actions. In the meantime, I am trying to take care of myself. I know that he isn't still seeing her because he was incapable of looking me in the face when he was keeping this from me. Now he is being very straighforward, and almost too honest.
But I honestly don't know if he is able to be a mature and less selfish person. Still trying to sort it out.
Anyway, I hope my story and the understanding of addiction in affairs will help someone else.

But, you don't have a plan for recovery here. What is your plan for recovery? Telling him to "grow up" is not a plan and it won't help your marriage.

MSBSF,

You need to expose the OW widely and completely to drive her out of your life.

God Bless
Gamma