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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 4
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Junior Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 4 |
My husband and I just got into yet another heated argument, that ended with him getting so mad he pounded on the pillow of the couch ( like he wished it was me I guess). It didn't scare me but of course It made me even more furious then I already was. He gets mad over the tiniest things always has. We've been married for 6 months now but have been together almost 6 years. I was already deeply in love with him before I realized just how bad his issues were. He was an alcoholic when we first got together and I figured was the drinking stopped ( which it did 2 year of the relationship) the anger would aswell, but that was not the case.
As these years have went on it just seems like a never ending thing with him. He always says I know I have this anger in me and I know I need help BUT he never does anything about it. he always tells me to find someone else If I cant deal with him etc. but he claims to love me so much? The hard part is he ACTUALLY does show love towards me when hes not angry he is the most sweetest kindest hardworking man ive met. When hes angry though its like im seeing a different person, and I hate him. That person he becomes talks to me any kind of way and doesnt give one cent about how hurt i am or upset. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? I really wish we didn't have kids (3) because I honestly wouldn't be here typing this right now until he got some help. but by us having them in the middle of this I honestly don't know what the hell to do. I have major depression (have had it since childhood) and I have not had a suicidal thought or any thought related to it for almost 2 years now. All of this is making me so miserable I cant even think straight. My only options are to remain here and constantly have my nerves and sanity yanked. Or be homeless with the same effects plus safety added on to it. I feel like he hates me when he yells and screams at me its so disrespectful. im not perfect but I damn sure don't treat him like he treats me 99% of the time. im so lost right now I don't know what to do.
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Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 14 |
Hi! I am sorry you have endured years of anger... Hugs  I would start by reading the basics, ESP on angry outbursts. If he is willing to do the work to overcome them, you have a chance. However, you are truly never safe when one is occurring no matter how "safe" you feel. It is a moment of temporary insanity and many cases of brutal attacks are from men who never laid a hand on a woman before. My ex was described by me and others as the gentlest man I had ever known. He did however loose it with AO's and one day it finally was me he was hitting instead of the couch and ripping my skin off my arms. I think of it like a drug. Your DH is on a mind warp like a drug and one day will not be able to control it. Be careful. Also please read this: there are hard things to do in here, but the alternative is much worse! Will be thinking of you! http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2640607&#Post2640607
ME! 35-W : 2nd time
42-H. : 1st time
2 Kids of mine from 1st
1 DD of ours
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
The most angry men are usually the most gentle. It is not unusual at all.
You and your children are not safe as long as he continues to have Angry Outbursts (AO). When a person is having an AO, Dr. Harley says that he is temporarily insane. The person will do and say things that he cannot even remember doing and saying later, once the adrenaline has left his system. And, being insane, he will do insane things that he may regret later -- people have been maimed or killed when their spouse, who is otherwise a good person, has an AO and loses control.
Since you have children, I am even more concerned.
Your husband needs to get help. If he won't, I suggest you start preparing for a separation.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
Have you told your husband that you cannot continue in a marriage with Angry Outbursts? I would look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. I will agree to do the same with you. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, even by the man I love."
It may take him a while to digest what you say, and he may leave in a huff. But once it sinks in, he will probably agree with you that at least some of the problem is his.
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 4
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 4 |
Thankyou all for the information. The same night I posted this I left him a text so he'd read it the next day (we still weren't talking at that point). I basically said that I cant live like this with his anger and never being able to express my feelings without him getting angry. Or just him getting angry over everything and me walking on eggshells. I told him if he wanted me to leave just tell me instead of yelling at me for anything and everything because it makes me feel like he hates me. Since then he hasn't had any outbursts he said he loves me and he even spontaneously made love to me. But its only been a day ( maybe 2?) and I know its not gone im still just waiting for another one trying to prepare myself. I wish the peace I have at this moment will last but I know it wont. Bad thing is we were supposed to talk last night but, neither of us brought it up for me it was fear of yet another argument for him im sure it was avoidance. I know eventually we will have to talk Im not even sure where to start usually I get angry aswell but ill try a different approach next time.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,479 Likes: 6 |
Will he get help for his anger? Will he listen to Dr. Harley's radio clips in here? Anger Management 101 Do you have the book Love Busters? Are you prepared to have him removed if he has another AO?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
GOOD text to him!
Now is a good time to ask him if he will get help. Some men are able to just stop having Angry Outbursts. But I wouldn't rely on that.
If he will look into what Dr. Harley says about anger, that would be a very, very good sign of his willingness to stop.
I would get the book Lovebusters and ask him to read it.
I would ask him to read the link BrainHurts linked to above.
I would ask him to get into anger management training.
In the meantime, prepare yourself for what you will do if he has another AO. What will you do?
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