No, in Dr. Harley's revision of SAA.

He recommends 3 weeks of Plan A for BW and BHs up to 6 months.

So BH, how can I best apply Plan A when we are living separately, about 45 minutes away, and I fear hearing "Don't want to talk about that" Etc.
The most painful thing was him saying that no matter what he would not ever get back with me, not now, not in a year not in ten years. Is it possible to mean that now, or could it be because of my LB's since DDay?
Now I even fear he will not want to have sex because of my explosion last time..
This is overwhelming....

He's probably having sex with the other woman. That's what people in affairs do.
Some people (usually men) can juggle two women at the same time.
Others (usually women) cant.
If she's meeting that need then it's being met.
However you said he asked you for sex last time you saw him so it doesn't sound like he's completely cut you out.
I suggest you have NO sex with him until this cheating is over. There is no point in falling on your sword on getting AIDS or another STD for your marriage.

He doesn't want to be with you because he is in love with another woman.
You can work on avoiding LB (and you should) until you are 100 years old. If he's in love with another woman that won't help win him back.
Men typically come back (hat in hand) when the fantasy crumbles.
The first step towards making that crumble is exposure (which you did)
Most affairs die within 6 months of exposure. Only about 5% will make it past the 2 year mark and into marriage.

The purpose of plan B is to protect your health during his uncaring behavior towards you.
If you ask him, he will say its all your fault. Everything.
But all waywards say that. As Dr Harley says "There are reasons for affairs but no excuses"

As your husband stops thinking irrationally and considers his actions, he will eventually conclude that he is better off working on reconciling with the mother of his child than pursuing a woman who (in the light of day) isn't as glamorous as he originally thought.

Have you emailed Dr Harley yet?

Of course it is overwhelming. What he has done to you is the worse possible thing he could have ever done to you! That is reality. Sad but true.


All BS's on this board had their WS say almost the exact same thing. This is typical of most all people who are in an A. Do not take that statement as truth.


What do you want? Do you want to recover your M?


If so you have to Plan A him a full 3 weeks to the BEST of your ability. If at that time, you think you can continue in good physical and mental heath, you can continue if not, you pose a plan for recovery and he refuses, then plan B is in order.

Thank you JK, but I am sure they are not having sex. I called her number, checked the phone bill and the location states she is in New Jersey.
He also said he does not want to have sex because of me becoming emotional after. Which I admit I did.
He may be in love with her, and I guess I continue my Plan A to the best of my ability. But will be working on Plan B also.
And yes, I did email Dr. Harley twice, but nothing yet. I wish I had the cash to set up a session...

20YH, I do want to save our M so badly.

I want to be the wife I should have been. And I understand now I can be, not just because of MB, but also because I need to let go of the hurt from my own parents divorce.
I want to be what we should have been to each other, and I still want to spend the rest of my life with him.
But I am also realizing that God is giving me peace throughout the day so that I can see that I can live without him.

We talked this morning, he called me very excited that he found a job and they were offering him a supervisor position.
He sounded way more happier than he has been since the workplace firing.
I think me continuing Plan A WITHOUT expectations will benefit us most at the moment.

I found an amazing quote from previous posters and want to link it here for Newbies like me who feel they are failing. Can someone help me?

"Plan A says and demonstrates to OURSELVES: I am not some weak pathetic person deserving to be abandoned or cheated. I am demonstrating decent and loving behaviour. I am worthy of love and devotion. ... If the infidel notices .... double bonus points. If not, I become better differentiated along the way ... and I can see my strengths despite terrible and hurtful circumstances. "

Yeah. Right.
Don't believe it for a minute.
Think of him as a drug addict. He'll get in her bed whenever he can DESPITE your emotions.

BTW, the 3 weeks of Plan A for women is the limit, not the rule. Some women cannot go for 3 weeks -- it is too traumatic for them. If you cannot go that long, it is okay.

You need to be prepared to go to Plan B at a moment's notice. Are you?

Thank you Prisca, that actually made me giggle.

You could be right, but as long as I know she is in NJ, he won't be in her bed.

How do you feel about sexual fulfillment during separation? It was always high on his list..

At the moment I feel good, I have not had daily breakdowns like the first week after DDAY.

Not completely ready for Plan B. But I am dedicating to hitting Plan A hard so that when Plan B hits him it will be very noticeable. I am looking over Plan B threads and have bookmarked them.
How am I doing?
I text him good morning, wish him a good day. Send him pictures of DS5 when he asks. Offer lunch and encourage him on his new job.
He did not sound like sh** or angry this morning..
Idk maybe it is me being optimistic?

It sounds like you are doing a good Plan A.
I would send him some pictures that include the kids WITH you. Make sure you look GOOD.

Finish your preparations for Plan B. Your emotional state can take a sharp drop at any moment, without warning, and you need to be prepared to protect yourself.

How do you think he would answer this question:

"IF there was a way for us to have an exclusive, happy, loving M together where we both have all our needs met and never do things to each other that make us unhappy...would you want that with me?"

I'm pretty sure Dr. Harley would advise you not to have sex with him.

Have you been tested for STDs?

Thank you Prisca! I will come back here with Plan B preparations so that I can get yays or nays.

20YH, at the moment he would say no, definitely. Especially since his outburst last time. If I even bring up anything R related he says "I thought we agreed on this." That's why I am trying to apply Plan A without expectation of us getting back together...
I am trying to be patient until he gets his own apartment before offering it again.
Should I ask?

I'm not a veteran poster, but i do know that in his current frame of mind, i feel that ANY R related discussions should be taken off the table.

Keep doing your best Plan A and you seem to have the right feelings about Not having ANY expectations. Continue to avoid any LB's and meet the minimal opportunities allowed to make LB deposits.

LTL

Not sure about that. I have heard him a number of times encourage a BS in Plan A to meet ANY EN's they can to attract them back into the M. Good question though in this situation.

If you can be a caller on the radio program, I would be interested in hearing Dr. Harley's opinion on this for you.

Tough call. Somehow he needs hope that you CAN have a good M. Most likely, he is not convinced you can/have changed to eliminate all of your LB's.

Or asking his opinion on things. Such as, "through your eyes, where did I go wrong in our marriage?" and Not be defensive with his responses.

I think that telling him the specific things that you have done wrong and that you are committed to never doing these things again needs to be communicated.


See, I think he knows that his best POSSIBLE chance at happiness is with you. How is he going to see this?

Unless you are ready to throw in the towel, you are going to have to get to work trying to meet as many of his EN's as possible. Spending time with him showing him the new you!

You do know that Plan B is not intended to win your spouse back...right?

I'm pretty sure I've heard him say that sex, specifically, is not something he recommends in Plan A during an active affair.

Among other concerns, there's the potential for STDs. But besides that, SF as a way to win an actively wayward husband back would be particularly traumatic for most women.

I think you are right. The question has still been remaining here if her WH is still in an ACTIVE A or not. Speculation could indicate yes but the hard part is she doesn't have hard evidence. Plus is the OW, is miles away.

I have notified the Harley's.

Please send them another email today and I'll ask them to look out for it!