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Thank you for the advice ... I guess I'm wondering the logic behind the timescale... Why a year from divorcee? For various reasons I have no plans to ever remarry so putting money in the hands of lawyers to obtain a piece of paper is not high on my priorities.
Given I have only had sex with one man Ever ( the H) I am not sure where the reference to bed hopping comes from. Playing coy isn't going to get a group of people who are pro-marriage and anti-adultery to help you excuse your adultery.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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That's great news TP!  Brainy, FANTASTIC article! 
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Thank you tismeagain again - very good srticle
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Had already had two face to face conversations about my concerns re getting into a new relationship. He tried to persuade me that I needed to be cruel to be kind and divorce H and move on to try a proper relationship with him. We agreed a cooling off period whilst he is in Europe on holiday. It was probably as a result of this cooling off period that i posted my circs. We said no texting but he has sent a text at 9.00 am Uk time prompt everyday to which I replied.
At 8.00 am today. I sent an 'end of the affaiir' text to make it clear that he needs to reset his head to a life without me in it.
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Had already had two face to face conversations about my concerns re getting into a new relationship. He tried to persuade me that I needed to be cruel to be kind and divorce H and move on to try a proper relationship with him. We agreed a cooling off period whilst he is in Europe on holiday. It was probably as a result of this cooling off period that i posted my circs. We said no texting but he has sent a text at 9.00 am Uk time prompt everyday to which I replied.
At 8.00 am today. I sent an 'end of the affaiir' text to make it clear that he needs to reset his head to a life without me in it. What did you say in your text? When will you be changing all your contact information? Have you told your H?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thats good that the A is on the road to ending.
And as far as a timetable goes you need to have respect for your marriage and spouse (even if they didn't have it for you). If you have a clear head and decide you want divorce then go through with it, finalize it and then move on and give yourself some time to heal so you don't make mistakes you will regret. Only you will know when you are truly healed and ready to move on, don't get caught up in fantasy. As far as the divorce goes, finalize it if thats what you want, pandering and strining your spouse along makes you no better then they were when they chose to be unfaithful.
There is nothing wrong with moving on as long as you do it the right way.
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My text said in full
Good morning Mike,
This is a hard text to construct but I have thought about nothing else for two days now. I have cried and cried and not actually functioned despite a few cheery texts to you. I know your reaction following the orange tree and the canal side conversations but I have decided we have to end our affair.Talking to the children about mine and Andys separation has just confirmed what I knew in my heart that I need this separation but also clean water without an affair to make unclouded decisions about my future. I have felt on the edge of a breakdown.
You need to focus on your family and friends. You have a great support network there. A friend recommended me.a group called spice West Midlands. Looking at the website it seems better suited to you than me ,,, have a look.
Sending a text is not easy and happy to meet and talk but I want you to know where you stand so you can look at your blessings and use your time on holiday to reset your head..
So sorry TP x
Changing contact details for me is impossible due to being a partner in a firm.
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Sorry missed question.
Yes I have told my H that I will agree to his request to change the agreed terms of separation to a no dating separation.
I have told him I have sent the text. I have agreed to no further contact with the one exception.... t and explained I have offered a face to face on return as a text dumping seems cruel.
Tonight was his night to see our marriage counsellorv one to one , which he has done and explained that I have agreed to change to a non dating separation and to supports him through getting sober if he gets support including CBT for his other oroblems.
He has rung before and after the session and then went out from work without drinking and texted after to say
Just got in. Completely sober, quite enjoyable. Good little step for me. I love you. I"m so pleased that we are going to continue working together to see if we can find a future. I feel better than I have all year. Thank you for changing to no dating I am so lucky to have your love and so pleased you decided to 'pause a while '. Xx
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Do you really want help ending your affair?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thank you for this.
I am very uncertain what my next steps with H should be?
Due to see our marriage counsellor together on 14th following his detox holiday.
Hopefully she will help.
He will not do AA ... I don't think willpower is enough, though I know he can stop for a time.
Is CBT going to be enough
I want him to get healthy but I don't want to live on a hamster wheel of promises made and promises broken.
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All help gratefully received and given due consideration.
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read them ,,, your special resonates about thing the H says . Maybe I just need a divorce and no relationship
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Dr. Harley does not recommend a face to face meeting to end an affair because it will stir up the feelings you have for him, and usually the affair will resume.
The CBT can teach your H new behaviors and coping skills. My H found it more to his liking then AA. Statistic's have also shown it to be effective for addiction recovery. I am not sure what Dr. Harley's opinion is though.
Have you considered sending an email to the Harley's?
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How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I can see the face to face end can be problematic. It is funny in the circumstances but it felt like good manners to offer!
When the text comes I will reply that I have been advised not to have a face to face meeting. I guess there are circumstances when good manners don't really apply!
Your experience with CBT is very encouraging ... I will make it a condition...
I have sent the e mail and have an offer of a slot on the programme it would be fantastic to get direct advise...
I am seriously considering it,
I really appreciate you giving me your time and benefit of your experience and I have a little seed of hope that had clearly been laying dormant..
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How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. Love the fact Dr Harley has a sense of humour and the Caribbean cruise reference actually made me smile, which can't be a bad thing! I will retract my offer for a face to face, completely sensible point. Read the article too.
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