Here is the situation I find myself in. I just found out that my wife of 6+ years (together for 12) has been having an affair for the last 3 years. We have a 5 year old little girl, and I�m still trying to get my thoughts together about how I want to move forward. If that was it, things would be hard enough� except the person she was cheating with is my brother in-law (married to my sister). They have an 11 month old boy and his 16 year old son from another relationship. My sister has no idea that this has been going on, and I am trying to figure out the best way to move forward.

My extended family is very close, and if this information gets out it would not only destroy my sister, but my elderly grandparents, our parents, other sibling, etc. On the other hand, I find myself in a position where my life has been turned upside down� and he has been able to go on living his life as though nothing happened while I suffer in silence.

He knows that I know about the situation, and understands that it is in my hands as of now. So the question is do I �go public� with this or try and contain it? I see pitfalls either way� and am just trying to gather different points of view and make the right decision.

Thank you.

Zeus;
Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I am so very sorry for the reason you find yourself here. However, you have landed at the very best place to move forward, whether you work towards reconciling with your wife, or focus on personal recovery.

Please start by reading the everything in the column at the head of this Surviving An Affair thread, titled, "Read here first - Welcome Aboard"

Then come back and get your questions answered.

You can do this, though we all know how very upset you are right now.

Well, you don't really think you will be able to break up the skanky pair's affair, go through the agonies of recovery (in TWO families!), and institute a reliable "No-Contact" paradigm without cluing in Granny And Grampa, did you?

Here is the standard game plan. Most betrayed husbands haven't the courage to follow it fully, to their own discomfiture. Those that do have remarkably better results than the rest. Yours will have complications that most BHs need not address.

NEVERGUESSED'S BETRAYED HUSBAND SURVIVAL KIT

1- KEEP ALL THESE ARRANGEMENTS SECRET FROM YOUR WAYWARD WIFE!
2 � Put a keylogger on any computer you can access that she might use.
3 � Put a spy program on any cell that she might use. ("Eblaster" can cover #4 as well.)
4 � Put a GPS on her car, reporting to your computer.
5 � Put a VAR in her car, and in any room she might use to take "personal" calls
6 � Get a mini-audio-recorder, and have it in your possession and "on" whenever in her presence.
7 � Put together an e-address list of anyone who might have influence on her � parents, siblings (sisters, especially), coworkers, college friends, clergy, hairdresser, anyone.
8 � Put together a similar list for the POSOM.
WHEN YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT EVIDENCE,
9 � Put together the electronic evidence for each AP.
10 - Write a cover note for your wife's contacts, to the tune of: "I must unhappily inform you that my wife, XXXXXX, is carrying on an illicit affair with YYYYYY. I am hoping to recover our marriage, and ask if you have any influence over her, to urge her to abandon her cheating lifestyle and return to me and our family. Her cell number is 111-222-3333"
11 � Write a similar note to POSOM's contacts.
12 � Send out both packages, to all contacts at one time.
13 � Brace yourself.

Zeus,

Sorry to hear this, any time it�s between family members or friends of the family it makes it so much more difficult. You have no obligation to keep the secret as you were not the one who committed the crime.

There is a practical difficulty in not exposing and that is the unknowing members of your family will ask you about OM and even invite your WW to functions with OM.

I ran into this problem just a few months ago with my BIL who tried to force himself on my W before we were married, SIL was never told.

I told my W I never wanted her to go out with BIL without me, but her sister/my SIL invited W to go with them out to lunch and it made me very mad at my W. W said she would tell SIL but it has not yet happened, wished I had spilled the beans years ago.

BTW SIL is short for sister in law, BIL brother�.

God Bless
Gamma

Sorry I don't know many of the common acronyms yet... I literally just discovered the A this past Saturday. My WW was out �running errands� and I had her old phone (as she just got a new one). My current phone is the same as her old one, and I was going to change the batteries. I plugged hers in to charge it, and the phone turned on as they do. I�m sitting there, and about 10 minutes later the phone beeped. I pick it up and because it was auto connected to our WIFI, I was getting a Google chat as it was happening between my W and my BIL. She was asking him where they wanted to meet-up and stuff.

I texted my WW and told her we needed to talk, and when she got home I presented her with the conversation I saved on her old phone. She broke down and told me everything. They had been together (on and off) for 3 years. It was both a PA and EA. She has sworn that she will do anything it takes to gain my trust back� and we have already been to a marriage counselor.
Because the A was with my BIL (my sisters H), It falls to me on how we proceed. I have been in contact with my BIL, and we are meeting face to face for the first time with the counselor on Friday. I am fairly confident there will be an ultimatum that he breaks down and tells my sister this weekend, or I will do it for him� and let the chips fall where they may.

It�s difficult because of how close my family is� and I�m not sure how we cut ties with him completely without my losing my relationship with my sister (if she doesn�t throw him out) and nephews because of this� and vice versa with my sister and my W. The saddest thing if they have an 11month old boy and my BILs� 16 yr old son, and I have a 5 year old daughter who loves her �Aunt, Uncle, and Cousins�. The whole thing is a big mess, but until this all comes out I think it only serves as a distraction to where my true focus needs to be� on my own marriage and relationship.

It�s just a big damn mess and I�m just trying to keep my head above water right now. Like I said, I just appreciate having this place to vent� and to gather other opinions and learn from other people who have been through similar situations (although this one feels pretty damn unique).

...an ultimatum that he breaks down and tells my sister... NO!

...I will do it... YES!

Having a wayward tell the story will result in her getting a smoothed-over, half-assed concoction slanted to cover his tail!

Man Up, my friend! She's your sister. You owe it to her to ensure she has the FULL story of the (sorry) state of her marriage!

You should tell your sister yourself, rather than leave her to hear of her shattering betrayal from her assailant. (Who will probably spin the truth and blame her anyway.)

The only way these 2 marriages stand a chance is to have NC between your entire family and OM, and between their entire family and WW. It's sad for the sake of the children, but far sadder if a double divorce goes forward. Yes, the whole family will need to know, otherwise they will greatly hinder the chances of recovery for both families, without even knowing it.

If the children still get to see the OM/OW on each side, they will go home talking about it to their betrayed parent, which will be a knife in the heart. That's why even the kids will need to have their ties severed to the adulterous aunt or uncle.

No Contact for LIFE is so important that if you aren't willing to do it, you might as well go file for divorce. (Which is a perfectly legitimate choice, and I'm not knocking it.) If, however, you want any shot at recovering your marriage, NC (No Contact) is the very first step to be undertaken, without which no more steps will get you anywhere but in circles.

Part of maintaining NC is going to be telling all family members and close friends, and asking for their support.

If your sister had found out first, would you have wanted her to have meetings with your WW, her own WH, and a counselor to figure out how to tell you and what to do next?

How do you think you would feel being kept in the dark while everyone else discussed it?

Go over to your sister's house and tell her the truth about her life. She can handle the truth...it is the lies and secrets that she cannot handle.

Did you mean you were actually planning to attend a counseling session with OM??? If so, please do not consider this for another moment. There is nothing you can gain from that confrontation that is important enough for the level of pain it will cause. Not to mention the risk of being arrested when you snap and beat him the way he deserves.

He's not worth it.

Your own, flesh and blood sister should be informed of the horrendous truth by you, otherwise she will be gaslighted by ANY version your BIL will tell her.

If you need, many posters could probably cite nearly word for word the twisted version your BIL would put forth.

Yes, the truth Will hurt her, but much less than being gaslighted by her WH, (wayward husband).

LTL

Why in the world would you help this dirtbag by hiding the secret of his horrific intrusion into your marriage?? What a twisted pervert, to allow his poor boundaries to destroy an entire extended family! Aren't you ready to disfigure this guy??? I don't understand your civilized approach to his rape of your marriage and his total arrogance in screwing your wife while you labored daily, thinking all was well in your marriage.

He wants you to hide his secret. Don't do it!

Heck no.....don't try to contain it.

Going public is your right and duty.

(Some people will be hissing, spitting mad you did it but it is still the correct thing to do).

Please read these.
Husband's Affair with My Sister
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

1. Follow the advice given here to the letter. Any skimping, side stepping, or otherwise delaying what is best practice in these matters will result in lousy outcomes.

2. A crime has been committed against you, your sister, and your kids. They need to hear why their families will never be the same by you and her.

3. As a good brother you are very concerned about your sister but keep in mind you are much a victim. There is a set procedure to be followed that will enable you to make the best possible decisions for you.

4. Did you say you were going to your counselor with your wife's boyfriend? Dude, this man is excrement. He is the lowest life form. The only time you should see him is to re-arrange his teeth. He's nothing to you and children and if you work hard enough and want it , he's nothing to your wife. I wouldn't even mention his name again.

5. Face facts, like so many before them your weak wife and her lover have destroyed your close knit family. They did it knowingly and callously as in their world, you and your sister matter little. Sure today you matter but the rest is for you to figure out.

Buy the books here and see if you can indeed survive.

I agree it has to come out. I am going to make that happen. I appreciate the advice. I do feel like (with this being so new) that I have not yet been able to accept my role as the victim here. I just want to do right by my family. God this SUCKS!

Zeus,
This is a real cluster foxtrot of the highest order and I am sorry that you are caught in the middle of such a horrible situation. But there are certain things that you must do as all others have already mentioned. First of all, YOU did not create this mess and it is not YOUR secret that you have to carry around like a burden. You need to contact your sister and have a talk with her alone and face to face and tell her everything you know. The only thing that matters is the truth and that needs to come out in the open to everyone regardless of the pain or turmoil it causes within the family. The other important thing to remember is actions always have consequences and the two WS's will have to suffer the consequences that they have brought upon themselves. I'm not sure that I could meet face to face with the OM at such a time because I may have lost my cool very quickly. That may not be a viable option to meet with him. I know that I hope I never meet face to face with the OM regarding my wife's A, not at any cost.

I have to agree that your civility towards those that have sought to harm you is upsetting. You're in shock. When you come to, maybe you get worked up.

I too have looked only to keep my kids happy while trying find a level of happiness in my marriage. I've been successful at the first and woeful at the latter.

I shirked some critical things I now see in hindsight. The biggest is, in my case at least, to make sure you learned every bit of information you need about the affair. This may be every little dirty detail or maybe you just want broad strokes. Just get all you need within the first days and weeks and never ask again. I settled for 'i don't remembers' and I let her off the hook.

This is all outlined in the books.

Oh I admit completely that my system is still in the shock stage. I am trying to work through it, and I know the anger will come out sooner than later. Part of it, I�m sure� is the fact that my worry about the effects on my sister, kids, etc have been a huge distraction from my ability to focus on my own issue. I�m lucky to have quality friends who have been there for me, and have allowed me to talk, cry, yell, and vent as I need to.

I also grew up with one parent who had extreme �emotional� responses to situations� and because of the damage he caused, I have strived to not let emotion dictate most of my actions. I�m naturally a very calm person, and while can get worked up, angry, and very loud (and I have)� my natural demeanor is to see and problem and try to solve it using logic.

I don�t want to try to just keep the marriage together for the sake of my daughter� and if I am not able to regain the trust I need, we will not stay together. So far she has been upfront with me and answered every single question I ask (from general information to dirty details regarding the A) and has cut off contact completely with �him�.

It�s such a new wound, and I�m working through my emotions and not sleeping much� just trying to grasp what has happened, & figure out how I want to / the best way to move forward. I�m going to break this open by tomorrow night, and we�ll let the chips fall where they may over the weekend.

Zeus. You have mentioned counselors a couple of times. Did you know that you can counsel directly with Dr. Harley? He is an expert in recoveries from affairs.

If you had a serious medical condition, you would go to the best specialist you could find. Right?

Coaching Center


Give him a try. He is brilliant and has a proven record of personal and marital recovery after affairs.

Have you talked to your sister yet? What about the rest of the family? If you haven't already exposed, you need to do so.


Also, just because your wife promises no contact doesn't mean that will happen. Affairs are an addiction and waywards often claim its over (and they believe it for a short time) but then seek out their affair partner again. They just take the affair deeper underground. You both have to take extraordinary precautions to ensure contact ends forever, including never seeing him again, eliminating all passwords on phones and computers, maybe even putting spyware on them. She needs to always give you account of where she is and is doing.

Give an update.