She does not know for sure if the A is still active or not, JK. The OW is hundreds of miles away. It has been assumed that her WH is not 'seeing' the OW in person. The question is if he is still texting and calling her or not.


No one here on this forum who is somewhat MB savvy would encourage a BS to have SF with someone in an active A.

Dr. Harley has stated many times on the radio program that in Plan A, the BS should most definitely meet as many EN's as possible, including SF. Again, assuming they are not in an active A and contact has been broken with the AP. However, this can be very taxing on a BW. Which is very understandable.

I will listen on my way home from work.

What did Dr. Harley have to say?

The article Dr. Harley recommended to you:
How to Negotiate when You Are an Emotional Person

20YH, you are right. I am not 100% sure if they are still in touch via text, I can't see the phone numbers just the amount (friggin Sprint). As far as calls, there are no calls outside of Texas, but who is to say they are not talking any other way...

Dr. Harley said I have so far been doing good in dealing with him, and basically the ball is in his court. I have stated my willingness and now it is up to him.

He recommended I begin to control my angry outbursts, so Plan A for the next 3 weeks since I had one yesterday.

SF totally up to me, but I should use it as a negotiation. I'm thinking:
*Add her number back to blocked
*Consider changing both of our phone numbers.

What do you recommend?

Thank you Prisca!

Just finished listening to your show.

He also said that SF is not a way to win him back. If you want to have sex, you're not making a mistake, but you're also not making a mistake by NOT doing it. Promising that you will meet that need in recovery is enough, if that is all you want to do.

So let your feelings guide you on that one, not your head

How are you feeling about doing Plan A for another 3 weeks?

Yes, I would block her number, and also change both of yours.

You had an AO yesterday? What happened?


I know that you know that all of your other efforts are not going to work if you don't stop this cycle for LB's. You must stop LB'ing today. Not tomorrow. Today.


What are you doing to SHOW him that the future will be any different then the past?

Every time you make a promise and don't keep it you lose credibility.

I don't feel scared, I got some good advice today and NEED to follow through on it. So far, I've noticed when I am positive he reacts the same way. My awkward Plan A the last few weeks sucked, but I feel more confident now.

Should I try and negotiate SF for my requirements? SF is a high need for me also. I fear him saying no, but that will speak volumes to me,

20YH, I did because I felt he was seeing me as a doormat. He requested sexual pictures, to which I replied no because he said he felt uncomfortable. To which he replied "Well good way to ruin the moment". I said "You're one to talk, I would have but no girl gets excited by being insulted".

We spoke today again after the show, very friendly and no arguments or LBs, I feel proud. I'm going to take it convo by convo, text by text, and if I feel very upset I will come vent here, like BH recommended.

How can I get the link from todays show? I would like to be able to listen to it when I need a reminder.

Thank you!

The link will be posted in about a week or so.
On the meantime the show is re broadcast every hour until the next show

Thank you JK, I'll keep an eye out for them.

I will post it for you as soon as it's in the archives.

I'm glad you were able to talk with Dr. Harley.

Here are some good clips to help you with your AOs.
Anger Management 101

Keep working on yourself. We are here for you.

Should I let WH listen to radio show?

Or should I wait on that?

We had no arguments or anything today! =)

Thank you BH!

I would wait on having him listen to the show but that is your call.

Dr. Harley's advice about negotiating at this time about expectations from both perspectives could be a great discussion. Any way you two can find some private time to have this talk? I know it would be a test to see if you can control your LB's as you most likely would get push back from him to even breach the discussion. Or you could view it as an opportunity to show him you are changing by how you handle yourself in the conversation.

As Dr. Harley said, this talk really needs to happen though.

At least you can clarify what your goals are and then, again, the ball is totally in his court. He can either be part of your life and find happiness with a willing partner or go off and be miserable by himself.

I thought his suggestion about stating that SF would be NO problem IF he were to agree to a plan for R was outstanding. Negotiating! I also thought it was interesting that he pointed out that if you would not have had sex with him prior to M and not gotten pregnant, most likely he would not be part of your life right now.

You are doing great and are becoming a better person however this turns out.

Thank you 20YH, we are going to see each other today and I will state my expectations. Definitely block her number, and number change.

I am scared though, if he says it is just sex he wants and nothing else. Then again, it will show me his expectations and I Will not commit any LBs regardless of his answer.

Will be back later after hanging out!

Had a GREAT day!!!

We met up early, ran errands ALL day in my top off Jeep in 100+ degree weather! So lots of sweat lol.7*-

It was very awkward at first, and did not really speak. He did make a small comment because he knows I want a Harley, "I'm going to get a bike for myself, with my own credit." To which I replied "Well right now we share it still." He said "I know, that's why I'm waiting"
I did not respond and instead turned up the music very loud and concentrated on no AO, I didn't blow up, but he did notice me trying to not say anything so he said I should just say it. "I said nope, has no point, it's irrelevant."

So a few more awkward minutes. It's like he was trying to get me to be mad and kept telling me to just say it cause he knows it's because of what he said. "I said no H, I will not, there's no point, it's going to bother us both."

Finally dropped it. The rest of the drive was great, we sang duets like we used to so it was fun. I listened to ALL of his stories and let him talk. I did sneak in EN questions.

Yup my LB's are definitely AOs, DJ's, and SDs. He said those were very bad with me. His LBs for me are AH,IB and Dishonesty. So got great sneaky info.

Finally on our way to drop him and DS5 we talked about SF, I said "I would like to negotiate with you. Change our numbers, block hers, change your username and I will meet SF (I'm also frustrated, used to be at least 4 times a week!)." It took a while but he agreed, and I said nothing would happen until he was tested (I'm clean) and all of that was met. =). No AO here either!! I am so proud of myself!

P.S. he was always a big sucker for massages and being caressed. I stopped doing it a looooong time ago because of how much resentment I had towards him. Today I did on the drive back and he fell asleep.

Sorry it is sooo long but I feel like it was successful. Now I finally get Plan A!

This is the best report you could have given. Dr. H's opinion of how impressed he is with you is ringing through here too.

Way to go! Sounds like you make some substantial LB deposits. Actually, some of the best news is that he LET you make them. AND you negotiated. Win, Win, Win.

You are doing exactly what you can within your own power to become a better person and wife. I am sure he saw that yesterday. Keep it up! Bite that tongue when you have to.

By building new memories you are building this new bridge between you too.

Like has been said her many times..recovery is like throwing 1 stone in the river at time. Eventually, those stones build a bridge.

One word of caution. Be prepared for setbacks. Remember this is a marathon not a sprint. R is a process. There will be days that you take steps backwards. If those days come, try to remember that was just 1 point in time and does not define your future. Same with yesterday. It was a great day but it was only 1 point in time.

Keep it going! We are really pulling for you. Keep those LB's in check.

To add and reiterate control your LBs. yes things are going your way now but he is still in contact. When you find this out or something new dont AO or question him about it document it and keep snooping while you Plan A. Your radio show was very informative btw. You can do this.