That is great to hear!


How much focus are you putting into 15-20 hrs/wk of UA time?

Do you both fully understand the others EN's and how to best fulfill them?


This along with POJA and PORH will really have a big impact on moving the ball forward.

so, can you verify these things?

Have you shared with her how her reactions in this manor make you feel and how you would prefer her to respond to questions you have?

Learning to SAFELY negotiate can be very challenging but I know you both can do it.

If you two are unsuccessful in changing the dynamics of your M it's bound to fail. Which means divorce. A divorce is a LOT more expensive than what it costs for MB counseling.

RNR, I did the same things for years here, always stating we couldn�t afford to sign up for counseling. I let things go and my W and I found ourselves so withdrawn from each other we were worse than roommates.

We finally decided to �find� the money we needed to sign up for MB counseling. Things are so much better now. Not saying it�s all rosey and perfect but we have a solid set of tools for helping turn things around when we slip back into old behaviors. POJA and PORH versus bickering, clamming up, etc.

You both agree it�s necessary. I�d find a way to find the money � otherwise you may end up with a lot less than you have now. The lawyers will be the only ones who make out in that deal.

Yes I agree that it would be money well spent no matter how this ends up.

I have a question regarding the NC letter. My W was going to get her sister to contact this guy on Facebook to ask him for his address again as the first one he gave came up as not being the correct one. My wife asked me if this was ok to do, I simply told her that these were not decisions for me to be a part of. I sent the letter twice now and that is my only responsibility here. I personally don't want to have anything to do with tracking down addresses and I don't feel I should have to. I had no choice in her having her A I don't want to have to make these choices now, I really don't feel good about it. I sent the letter again over the weekend to the same address that I sent the first, I will wait and see if this one gets delivered.

My wife asked me if I really thought that she was still in contact, I simply said that I don't know, i don't trust that she is not but I don t know. She stated that this now changes everything?

RNR, it is my opinion that the No Contact letter is NOT the problem you guys are facing. It's been sent. I would move on. Stop talking about it with her. Quietly continue to check up on her life. As the two of you integrate, you will be creating a life in which it would be impossible for either of you to have an affair - you'll know everything.

Somebody refresh my memory - the no contact letter was brought up with Dr. Harley on the radio show - what did he say about it? My thinking is he would tell you to move forward at this point. I'd suggest you email him and confirm that.

The NC letter is important to me. If it is suggested that it is not it would imply that all if this is nothing more than smoke and mirrors and that nothin really has to be done on part of the wayward to show anything is really over. It can all just be swept under the rug?

The NC letter was extremely important step for me. Dr. H recommends it...absolutely.

Have you seen this?

Please read this and especially listen to the clips at the end.

Managing Memories and Dealing with Triggers

RNR I am very confused by your statements here. Reading this sounds like mixed messages. The letter is important to you yet you want no part in negotiating how the letter gets to the OM.

I'm wondering if Mrs_Cen even has a clue on how to proceed.

It means I am not going to be responsible for tracking down addresses.

And if she can't find the address - then what?

I still didn't see an answer to my question: what did Dr. Harley say about the unreceived NC letter on your radio call with him? I think it would be good to make sure you are following his specific advice for your situation.

He never said anything about it. He asked if it was still and issue with not being delivered and I said yes ad he left it at that.

Great.

But according to what you said that isn't what she asked. She asked you if it was OK for her to have a friend track down his address. She didn't ask you to track down anything.

She was implementing POJA. You decided it wasn't worth negotiating. Why? Are you serious about using the principles of this site?

By POJA, then, she needs to do nothing until they negotiate a method they are both happy with.

RNR, I think maybe we need to point out that mrs_cen cannot force OM to pick up the NC letter. What is your plan in the event that the letter is never received, or confirmation can never be confirmed?

Okay, so he didn't tell you to take the tactic you are taking now (refuse to negotiate further attempts to deliver the letter). Again I suggest you should ask his advice rather than free-handing this.

Hey guys just in update. My wife has decided that she no longer wants to move, she doesn't want to leave now which is fair as this is where her family is. I myself will be leaving as its to painful for me to remain here any longer. She has not followed through on anything she promise to do, she starts to but then she falls short on completion. We went out and bought tickets last night and today she said she was not going and got a refund for her ticket and our daughters, mine still remains (I think). I'd better calm the air line to be sure. I don't need any surprises. So, in two weeks I leave this place alone to make a new life for myself. I'll continue to post and hopefully I can help someone else in my position with what I have learned from my experiences.

I'm so sorry to hear this RNR.

Are you going to take the kids?

Is this a result of another fight? It really doesn't make sense for the two of you to take such confrontational positions other than because you are fighting. RNR, if you won't stop fighting like this, you will never get anywhere.

Have you and your wife talked about things more calmly today? Are you sure that she decided that she no longer wants to move? Did she simply put her foot down, or did she express unhappiness at leaving her son with special needs behind? Did she really get a refund for the two tickets?

You said that moving was your wife's idea, so it sounds as if at first she was enthusiastic about the idea of getting away from where the affair took place. However, she has since expressed concerns about her son. Do you have any sympathy for her concerns about leaving her son behind? Do you have any solutions to the problem that you are willing to negotiate with her?