|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
I hope this is the way to start a new topic under surviving an affair. let me know if it isn't. I am struggling right now with still having A LOT of attraction for my husband. Even though he had an affair and it should have gotten completely rid of those feelings. Sorry to be blunt and its embarrassing to talk about but I'm extremely sexually frustrated right now. I'm sure my husband is too. I've asked him not to masturbate because it is only going to hurt our relationship. He has told me that he would try not to but gave me an excuse as to why he can't stop completely. I am. guilty that I am rejecting even small advances...but for now I must because we haven't been checked physically yet (The OW. had herpes)  Is it strange that I could still be this attracted to him? Or is this common in a person in whom sex is a high priority (need) ?
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708 |
It is common in people who are not even having sex as a high priority need.
In other words....you are normal not particularly extra sexual.
You don't need a new thread for this........it is part of your journey.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 5,123 Likes: 1 |
It's called hysterical bonding, and it is common during a marital crisis.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 5
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 5 |
Say more about the hysterical bonding. This is what is going on with us. Constant sex. And the affair was just revealed a week ago.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
HB is an overt manifestation of the typical covert need within each spouse to reclaim a major part of the now-damaged relationship. It's not rare, and, in cases more fortunate than one under the cloud of a possible STD/I, can be a source of comfort and one-ness that, as reflection, can last for years. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
So is it ok? Or not? Should I refrain from this type of bonding?
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
I wouldn't have any sex until a doctor says its safe to
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
So is it ok? Or not? Should I refrain from this type of bonding? When are both of you being tested? If you do, I would use protection.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
Update: went to the doctor. she advised against the herpes testing because they can't tell anyways which form of herpes it is, so if I've ever had a cold sore it could come back positive. Plus she said the test is upwards of $150.00. But so far had my blood pressure checked and weight checked she said it was all good.
I've got an appointment on Wed. next week to get my cholesterol checked, my yearly well woman exam, I'm getting a tenants shot and having blood drawn for a lab test for HIV/AIDS and I think gonorrhea?
Then August 10th I'm going to an appointment I've been waiting for two months. to go to. I'm gonna try to get put on anti anxiety medication and anti depressant because I need to be thinking clearly.
I'm STRONGLY considering plan B but...I can't think straight enough to make the propped arrangements for myself. I'm scared and don't even know. where to begin writing the plan b letter because the one in surviving an affair really doesn't fit my situation..and I need help with the verbage.
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Update: went to the doctor. she advised against the herpes testing because they can't tell anyways which form of herpes it is, so if I've ever had a cold sore it could come back positive. Are you saying this doctor discouraged you from being tested for STD's????  Find another doctor. POST-HASTE. This is your reproductive health and your life!!
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066 |
Totally agree with maritalbliss! Find a different Dr.
What are you having trouble with re: the plan B letter?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
No. I an still doing the STD bloodwork but she said that if I have ever had a cold sore then it would come back positive anyway. she said that since there is no cure for herpes anyway it may be less alarming to not have a false positive result come back. if I have it and have an outbreak its manageable but the te st is not conclusive enough to differentiate between oral herpes and genital herpes. we will still be testing for all other STD s that are conclusive.
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
Right now the problem I am having with plan b is that my situation falls somewhere in between plan a and b. my husband has ended the affair, ( I can see this because I am spying) and he has expressed willingness to reconcile the marriage, however....(partly due to his depression like Dr Harley said in the show segment I was on) he is not willing right now to do what is necessary to prevent other affairs and be accountable to me using the EPs. He is resisting technical accountability even though I have made it abundantly clear this is part of him earning back my trust. He is also resisting historical information and reverts back to an angry square 1 when asked any unanswered questions about the affair as well as he refuses to agree to a polygraph thus far...calling it unnecessary and a waste of time because he says I won't believe the results anyway.
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
Also unfortunately this Dr. is all I can afford because they don't turn anyone away due to inability to pay. they offer very very flexible payment plans and no collection.
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
If he isn't wiling to polygraph that a HUGE red flag.
Typically men wanting to recover their marriage come to their betrayed wife hat in hand asking for forgiveness and wiling to do whatever it takes.
Your husband refuses to.
You really dont have a marriage. He's basically telling you that he refuses to be honest and open with you.
I suggest you plan B
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,066 |
Agreed, kiss didn't want to do a polygraph either so I (stupidly) dropped it. When I had him do one 8 months later, I found out he lied about things.
Also, a big red flag if your WH won't do a no contact letter or adhere to EPs. You can say in your letter that you will remain in plan B until he does things.
Do you have spyware on his phone or just check his bill? Have you actually seen his phone to make sure there aren't any messaging apps on it?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 478 |
About herpes: the best way to test for genital herpes is to take scrapings or blood test at the time of an outbreak for the actual virus. It's hidden in nerve cells at dormant times and tests are commonly inconclusive if its dormant.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 71 |
I do have spyware on his phone. I can also see if he has apps cause he has unlocked his phone.
~Just keep swimming~
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Will he write the NC letter?
Will he give you his EPs?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,476 Likes: 5 |
Set him down and explain to him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OW for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about his affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair! _________________________
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (Brutalll),
159
guests, and
68
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,964
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
