Found this website today, as you can assume, my marriage is on the edge of a cliff and may fall. I guess you need some info about me. I am 53 and my wife is 44 we have been married for 16 years both of us were married before but we left our former spouses for each other.
I would guess about 6 months ago I realized that our marriage was sad, we never spent time together or did anything fun together. As I related this feeling to my wife she became extremely defensive and said our marriage was like everyone elses. I didn't push it even though I knew something was missing.
About 3 months ago it became known that the company I work for was being sold and there may be a possibility that it might move. When I told my wife she stated she would not move. Afetr a few weeks I told her I wouldn't ask her to move if I had to leave. We started trying to work on rebuilding our relationship afterwords though.
Then about 2 months ago I learned she was having an affair and she told me it had been going on for a couple of months. I was shocked and hurt of course. She said she ended it after I found out and I pretty much believe her. I can forgive her for it and we tried again to repair our marriage. But now we are in a place where her feelings are that she loves me but she is not IN love with me.
She is the love of my life and I realize that my deeds and actions, ( controlling, demanding, not attentive to her) through the years has driven her to her present state of mind.
I dont know if this means its over but I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
Any advice or words of wisdom will be appreciated.

Welcome to MB.

So you and your WW(wayward wife) cheated on your previous spouses with each other and then you got married, correct?

Now she is cheating on you now?

Hit notify and ask the MODS to move to SAA.

Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books or articles?

Yes I did read the 5 basic concepts. Found them most informative.

Here are some good reads. Tell us what you think.

What you Will Get if you Marry Your Affair Partner
Affairages a Must Read

Who is the OM? How did she meet him? Is he married?

Yes he is married and met through the work she does.

Sad:
You should have your thread moved to the Surviving An Affair column, under the Infidelity heading. It gets a lot more traffic and you will receive more responses to your questions.

Click the "notify" button and and ask the moderators to move your thread.

Ok it's moved. Thanks

So, this is an affairage and now your wife is cheating on you?

Have you exposed this? Have you told OMBW?

Have you been tested with STD/I?

I suppose that's the case. Will you tell me now that I deserve everything I get?

No. no, and no.

Please read all of these.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

thanks brain, I may be naive but I think the affair is only a minor problem in the big picture.

Sad,
Dr Harley says, "There are REASONS for an affair, but never EXCUSES."

You AND your wife are each 100% responsible for the state of your marriage, now and prior to her affair. Your wife is entirely responsible for her affair.

Yes you guys may have other problems in your marriage, but when there's an affair in the picture there isn't anything anyone can do will make a difference when there's an OM meeting your WW's ENs.

Yes of course she is. But it is the what motivated her in the first place that is my concern.

True, but if that part is over is it possible to be the one to meet her EN's again?

Okay, you can (and will) deal with that later.

For now, job 1 for you is to kill her affair dead.

She must go no-contact with the OM for life.
She must send an "NC" (no contact) letter, approved by you, to the OM. There are templates on this site.
She must leave her job (or her OM must.)
She must provide you with complete transparency in all her contact methods, her financial dealings, and account for all her time.
She must give you details of the A that you wish to have (best done all at once, so think about what you want/need to know.)
You must expose her affair to family (yours, hers, the OM's), her supervisors and HR, your clergy, and your friends. (Templates on the website.) Do this all at once, not over time.
You and she must adopt EP's (extraordinary precautions) to ensure the conditions that allowed her affair are closed.
You both just commit to a program to build a new marriage, better than the one you had pre-A. (MB comes to mind...)

Not an easy road. But neither is divorce.

She said she ended it after I found out and I pretty much believe her.

This is petty much standard-issue, discovered-cheating-wife, blah-blah-blah. For the foreseeable future, treat everything she says with a healthy dose of "Prove it!" The exposure and her "No-Contact" letter (aka: What She Does!) will mean infinitely more than what she says.

But now we are in a place where her feelings are that she loves me but she is not IN love with me.

Yup, you have, with your self-identified failures, depleted her Love Bank Balance for you, while the eminently charming and oh-so-agreeable snake who was boning her was building up a large balance. This will take your dedicated effort to reverse. We'll guide you through the steps.

I can forgive her for it and we tried again to repair our marriage.

NO! NOT YET! You do not even mention "forgiveness" without the application of the three legs of the Just Compensation policy, to wit:

1) She gives up her affair partner.
2) She sends the NCL, and sets up additional Extraordinary Precautions (EPs) to your satisfaction. These will include her no longer working with POSOM, and giving you complete access to her phone, email, facebook, twitts, whatever!
3) She agrees to participate in the MB Recovery Plan.

Sorry you're here, but you have a good shot at recovery, if she buys in to the program.