my wife and I have been married for 13 years, together 15. we have 3 beautiful little girls. the last few years she has been unhappy. I am head over heels in love with her and the only thing I want in this world is for her to be happy and to want and need me. we recently went on a family vacation to the city in which she grew up and she was very cold and distant with me, I could tell she was upset with me and didn't seem to be able to stand the sight of me. wouldn't sit with me wouldn't kiss me nothing. and was on her phone almost constantly. this started about a month ago. 3 nights ago I noticed she had posted several things on facebook between her and another guy she went to highschool with a long time ago. and a horrible feeling planted itself in my head, long story short later, when she fell asleep I took her phone and discovered she has been having a relationship with this guy. they text and message each other in facebook all day long, about 50 messages a day at least. she sent him pictures of her (nothing bad)and they seemed really close. but they also had really explicit sex in their messages, telling each other al the things they would do. I was devastated and even now am crying as I write this. then I read further and discovered that while we were on vacation she told me she had to run out and go into the corporate office (which is located in her hoetown where we were visiting) and I discovered that she lied to me and they had set a date to meet each other. they did not sleep together but spent the morning together and they kissed and hugged. after we came home she was even more distant and mean to me. they were making plans for the future and talking about how my little girls would get along so good with his kids.
I am crushed and in the most unbearable pain. the betrayal is on so many levels it physically hurts me. I could tell by the dates and times on the messages that she was texting him right beside me all the time. she even went to bed early on several occasions on vacation and I discovered this was to have their online sex. my question is, did she cheat?....she keeps saying that it was all texts and its not the same thing cos she didn't sleep with him. she had the opportunity but she didn't.

to me she cheated, and I believe she crossed a huge line when she lied to my face and met him behind my back. we live far away but are planning to move back to her hometown and he lives 2 hours from where we would live. they talked about her moving up there and if they could make a go of it....I need to know if this is cheating???....I think yes but I am so hurt right now I cant sleep, eat or think straight. please help.

Welcome to MB MB and sorry for your pain that has brought you here.

Please read all of this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Is this OM married?

i'm so sorry. this is devastating.

yes, it's cheating!

how do you know they didn't have sex? did SHE tell you that? if you got that info from her, it's safe to assume its a lie. cheaters lie. a lot.

brace yourself for more truth to be revealed.

I could see they didn't have sex through their messages to each other afterwards. they didn't, I am so betrayed and it hurts like nothing I have ever imagined. it was going to continue and they would have taken it to that level without question..she is sorry and has ended it. I know it sounds so stupid but I believe her. I lover her so much it hurts and this betrayal is so painful because I have loved her unconditionally for 15 years. I would do anything for her, we have 3 beautiful little girls together and I need to find a way to let this go and make a go of it.

the man she met is not married he is divorced but knew my wife was married.

Cameronh,

This is textbook cheating, there is nothing unique about what your WW is doing.

Gather ALL the information you can on OM his facebook contacts, his family, his Wife or girl friend especially, his workplace and then expose to them all suddenly, completely, without warning or threats not even to your WW.

Please wrap your head around the fact that an affair is an addiction and your WW in some ways cannot help herself.

There is a very good chance OMs divorce is due to continual contact with your WW btw. Also OM may have lied to your WW about being divorced, when OM is only separated.

God Bless
Gamma

Is OM married?

Have you exposed her affair?

Will she write a NC letter to OM? Change all her contact information? Close her Facebook account?

I am a grown man and consider myself to be a "man". I would never even think of hurting someone I love like this, and as a man would never attempt anything with a married woman. I have cried so much in the last 3 days its ridiculous. she has too and is so ashamed and feels terrible. we are talking and trying to find a way through this. she doesn't love me like I do her but thinks she can get back there, she tries to tell me that because they never slept together and it was 99% online that's its not the same, but I disagree. the sexual stuff online was so vivid and explicit it killed me, I could only read tiny bits through the tears. and it was all done right under my nose, sexting him while in bed next to me or while in the car next to me.

How do you know he's divorced?

Have you read the Exposure 101 thread?

Cameronh,

You need to save off all the evidence for your exposure, do this now, it needs to be done.

Another source you need to tap is OMs ex W, she will likely be able to tell you about other affairs OM has had, and those stories will help your WW realize how little she meant to OM.

God Bless
Gamma

I feel like a fool but everyones situation is unique. I have 3 beautiful daughters and never want to wake up in another house than they do. it would finish me. I am not the perfect husband and I do take some blame for her unhappiness. not for this though. I did confront her the same night, and she told me everything I already knew from reading everything.

my beautiful wife hurt me but I cannot do it to her. its not who I am. I am still in love with her and I want to forgive her. I cant destroy her. and I don't care about him, he is dirt and forgotten to me.

Do you have the book SAA?

Have you read this?
How to Survive Infidelity

Cameron,

Please read more of the thread here on MB, many have regretted greatly not exposing as it allowed the affair to come back to life, you are dealing with an addiction and the desire to go back to it can be overpowering.

he is dirt and forgotten to me.

But not to your WW who she was willing to merge her own children with someone elses children.

While you were responsible for half of the state of your marriage, you were zero percent responsible for your WWs affair, she chose to do that.

You need to expose the OM to drive him away forever!

God Bless
Gamma

whats difficult it s that she has been unhappy and I share half the blame for that. I have loved her unconditionally over all these years and it has caused me great pain to see her unhappy. we need to change our scenery and get away from where we live, she is the type who needs her family around her (its a huge family) and we are 100 miles away. we should have moved back years ago. right now she doesn't love me the way she once did, and I desperately want her to. but that doesn't make it so. I want her to beg me to forgive her, to squeeze me and cry and say she is so sorry over and over again. but she doesn't. She is incredibly upset that she has caused me this pain but she is also upset that she lost this other person who she had strong feelings for. I do not want to lose her despite what she has done. I miss her hands in mine and how she smells and everything about her. We are going to go see a marriage counselor and I think it will help greatly to talk about this with some kind of mediator.

Have you read the exposure thread? Read what Dr. Harley has to say about exposure?

i know you've just been kicked in the gut but you need to pull yourself together. being weepy, clingy and overwrought is not attractive, i'm sorry to say. come here and get everything off your chest, vent, etc but with her you need to be strong, confident and reassuring.

i know it's hard!

exposure is a way to get support for the marriage. yes, it will embarrass her but these are the consequences of her brazen behavior. exposure can be a real wake up call to the wayward spouse and since she sounds somewhat remorseful, you're already off to a pretty good start for recovery.

you don't have to tell the whole world but i'd definitely be telling family and close friends! especially because you're about to move closer to the scumbag who wants to steal your family.

he's divorced (as far as we know) and he has NOTHING to lose in continuing to pursue your wife. you've got to calm down and start to think strategically because a war has been declared on your family and you're the only one who can protect it at this point.

affairs are intoxicating and addictive. you need to makes sure this thing is DEAD and exposure helps. see your wife like a drug addict. she needs help to find her way out of this mess and though its totally unfair because you're traumatized YOU NEED TO LEAD HER AND YOUR FAMILY OUT OF THIS MESS.

Cameron,

Talking to a counselor isn't going to do anything but cost a lot of money. Right now, you are desperate to keep her at any cost and she will know it.

You're going to have to do some uncomfortable things to save this marriage, and bending over backwards for her is not one of them.

This isn't going to go away by trying to talk her into being faithful. The exposure materials will help you with that. If you do not kill this affair dead, this man could become a step-father to your 3 girls. Surely that is enough motivation to make him run for the hills?

She is incredibly upset that she has caused me this pain but she is also upset that she lost this other person who she had strong feelings for.

It might help to think of your faithless partner as nothing so much as a crack addict, for the moment. A highly effective method of shocking an addict into seeing the error and destructiveness of her actions is through an "intervention", where the people (family, close friends) dear to the addict tell her they can see the awful path she's on, and offer to aid her in kicking her drug and returning to a sober life.

This process must start with all those folks KNOWING about the addiction. An intervention of one person lacks the moral suasion that the group setting provides.

Your necessary exposure is nothing so much as informing the group that "My wife has a problem, and I'd ask your help in assisting her to rid herself of it!"

Like it or not, exposure is the most powerful, as well as the first, step in ending her addiction to her affair. It is a keystone in the MB recovery program. If you cannot summon the strength to perform this vital action, it would seem likely that you will never fully recover your marriage. Until she knows (through the group opinion) how wrong were her actions, she will continue to view her affair as a "tragic true love" cut short by circumstances, not a tawdry betrayal terminated by righteousness.

Big guy, pull yourself together.

You just may have caught this before it got horizontal. I can of think of 100s of us here not so lucky.

A couple of facts: this is not your fault in any way AND exposure even in the case of the most remorseful, sorry cheaters is a must.

Now stop crying. Follow the time tested steps that are outlined here.

Oh, a very effective way of learning if your wife went heels up (ty ng) with this guy to request a lie detector test to learn if she is in fact telling the truth.