What about the privacy of the other person? For instance, if a friend is emailing me or texting me with something in confidence... I have some friends who share email and facebook and he looks at her phone because they follow this principle. I am less likely to feel like I can go to her for advice or be completely open because if I'm telling her, I'm also telling her husband. There are friends who are very open with me about some trouble they're having, and I'm sure they wouldn't want all of that to be read by my husband. I know the marriage needs to come first, etc... but I have a problem with this part because I don't want to put up a wall for someone who isn't able to talk to very many people for help.

The Harleys do not advocate privacy in marriage (except when going to the bathroom.) They have made it a life-long practice to be very clear with their friends who tell them things in confidence that they will be sharing it with each other. It's part of being transparent. It has worked very well for them and for those of us who follow this practice.

I can go check on my H's email and he can check on mine. There is nothing that is secret in any way from either of us. It helps build trust and it keeps us accountable.

If a friend chooses not to share with you because of this transparency between spouses, that's their choice. But, in ALL things, the marriage must come first.

And I want to add that this is not simply being dogmatic about following the MB principles because they are rules that "ought" to be followed. Or because we are some kind of "cult." The bottom line is that MB works when it's followed by both spouses. When a couple reaches the point where their marriage is first - above career, above friends, above children - they don't want anything to interfere with what they have.

This is the way my H and I have been living for the past couple of years, and it has completely changed the way we feel about each other. Everything falls into second place as a natural outcome of being very much in love with each other.

That wouldn't be putting your marriage first. There should be NO secrets between husband and wife. There should be no way to have a secret second life. Even Dr. Harley has told his clients that he will tell Joyce what they talk about.

Like yourself I viewed privacy as a right.

Dr Harley has a philosophy on marriage that two people become one. Integrated lifestyles. Meeting each others needs.

Those with privacy issues usually have a philosophy of two independent people living together. Dr Harley calls this the "renter philosophy"

After living in an environment where I am not "safe" to share myself wholly... Criticism, anger... I don't feel safe with the complete disclosure or transparency at this stage because I'm still "standing in the doorway". Even today there was a time when he was being very snippy and had a demeanor about him that triggered all KINDS of feelings.... Any progress we had made yesterday, I was instantly brought back to my doorway looking out. Even now I look at the background picture on his phone and its a photo the OW took of our family. Yes, a picture of our family but still a tie to her.

I'm in a very strange place emotionally. I have moments of maybe it could be better.... Most of the time just functioning through a day doing what is expected of me (food, laundry, time talking)... And the other part, thinking about how I will survive if I decide to go. I keep wondering if its too late... I look back and wonder if we were ever truly a good match. He seems to have the fondest memories but he wasn't on the receiving end of the anger and criticism and unfaithfulness. He says he always just wanted me. Right. That's why you ditched me emotionally and pursued her.

Obviously a moment in my day when I'm facing some angry feelings.

I wrote the above post to you a couple of days ago and want to follow up:

1.) No contact: Is there ever a chance of any contact between the OW and your husband? All triggers need to be eliminated - anything that ties the OW to your H; for example, the photograph OW took of your family. Every time you see it, it's a trigger. Get rid of it and get a new one made. Anything she gave him should be trashed. Not only should she not be FB friends, he should get rid of FB. At the very least, share an account, so each of you has access. We have lots of couples on this forum who have given up FB completely.

The affair needs to be exposed to your children, your parents, your closest friends, and to the husband of the OW. This is to provide accountability for your H and much-needed support for you.

2.)Extraordinary Precautions: No traveling overnight, shared passwords, no friendships of the opposite sex, no flirting, and anything else that helps avoid affairs. These are not negotiable. They are to prevent another affair.

Have these been done and presented to your husband? Will he agree to them? Can you make sure he is abiding by them?

3.)Restoring the Marital Relationship:
You both would eliminate all love busters.

You both would learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs in a way that you both enjoy.

Fifteen hours a week, every single week, of undivided attention - just the two of you on four four-hour dates.

You are in such a state of withdrawal from your husband (which is understandable) that it is going to take the effort of both of you to bring this around. He is going to have to go all-out to win you back. It can be done but you will need a lot of help.

Whether you decide to stay or leave your marriage, everyone should know about the affair. If your H has anger problems, then separate first, THEN expose the affair.

You really need a plan, hopeless70, or you will continue to be very unhappy. Why not do the first two steps and then come back and let us know how it went. From there, you can proceed.

Is there a way to access cell phone records that are older than the ones coming up on my account online? It goes back to march 2012. Also is it possible to get texting history that has been deleted from a phone? Chat history in gmail that was "off the record"? You said don't trust anything so I started digging... Found another possible ea.

What kind of phone are you trying to retrieve the text messages on?
Does he back up or sync his phone?

Also many persons in affairs will have a secret affair phone (prepaid) that they will
Use to carry out an affair on

I am fairly certain that most if not all of those things can be recovered, but am not certain how (I have no experience with that sort of thing). I do recommend a keylogger on the computer, however, which should nullify the need for any future worrying about snooping on the "chat history" thing as the keylogger is a great snooping tool on its own for the computer. IE once it's in place, his "off the record" preference will mean zilch to the mighty keylogger.

It is the weekend, but the vets should still be able to recommend good keyloggers and other things about the texting history and such.