Debra.. are you okay? Is you're health okay? Don't fall down on the job. Muster something and move.

ds

You have my deep sympathy, Debra. You are dealing with such betrayal. One step forward every day. Have you written your plan B letter?

We're all here rooting for you.

Debra
I went through this for a few months after I filed. One thing that helped me was to set limits on how long I would be "down".

I would set my cell phone alarm at times and just shut down for that period of time and then either take some sort of action moving forward or to at least go out and be with people IRL. I tend to isolate.

I would also set time limits on working on paperwork for the D or packing contents of the house. When I knew before hand that an end for the day with whatever I was working on was getting closer it helped me to stay strong.

I pray medically you are alright. Seems like the 28th is a bit far out for an appointment.

Positive music also helped me alot and still does. This song came out somewhere around the time I filed.




Song


There are a lot of us that sit quietly in the background as others post advice we would only just be repeating with ours. We do care about you. Looking forward to an update soon.

nESRE

Deb,

How are things lately?

So much has happened in the last year.

It has been a bumpy year. My hubby and I ordered all the materials from the Marriage Builders website. Those materials are sitting in a drawer. The work on our marriage never came to fruition.

I went to the clinic and started taking an anti-depressant.

My hubby acted like a spoiled brat, having temper tantrums over nonsense. He was smashing things and scaring me. I kicked him of the house.

We were separated for several weeks and reconciled in March. During our separation, he formed a "dining and drinking" friendship with one of his regular male customers. I guess he needed someone to talk to, and this guy was in need of a bar companion. They spent lots of evenings out taking turns buying dinner and drinks. That continued after we reconciled.

It has been difficult to restore intimacy. My hubby doesn't pressure me, but I know he's not happy that we're not the way we used to be when we first met and fell in love.

But I have known in my gut for quite some time that my hubby is keeping secrets. He no longer charges his phone on the kitchen counter. He keeps it on him at all times and charges his phone at his place of business. He is gone most of the time and rarely spends a full evening with me. There's always a reason for him to come home late or to leave again after supper. I told him a couple of weeks ago that he couldn't continue to neglect me. We need to spend more time together if he wants to rebuild an intimate relationship.

When he left the house on Monday evening around 7 p.m. and still wasn't home by 12:30 a.m., I sent him a text letting him know that I was suspicious that something was going on. When he didn't respond, I just knew he was up to something and I sent him another text telling him not to bother coming home at all. He could go live somewhere else.

He came home and apologized for staying out so late. He said his cell phone was dead so he didn't get my text messages.

When he went to sleep, I placed a voice activated recorder in his work vehicle and let it sit there for three days. I retrieved it last night while he was sleeping and spent today listening.

Sometimes he would mutter to himself . . . things like "[censored]", "[censored]" . . . was he muttering that about me?

The voice activated recorder picked up all the road noises, so there was long times when there was nothing. Finally 2 hours into the recording I got to hear him talking on the phone.

He is still seeing that young woman. He promised me that he would never see her again, but now I know he is out drinking and partying with her . . . and his new male friend is right there with him. Apparently this young woman has several young female friends that the men find very entertaining.

The Monday night that he said his cell phone was dead . . . not true. I learned that she had texted him at 2:30 in the morning to find out why he was so angry. Well, he was probably angry because he did in fact get my texts telling him not to bother coming home.

At one point in the recording my hubby sat for a long time at a railroad crossing. He must have been deep in thought. About the time the train finally moved past and he could proceed, he muttered the words, "you're not my girlfriend; you're not my woman; why do I keep chasing that horse; I crossed the line; I got to stop before I'm really confused."

I just cried and cried. I knew it in my gut, but having proof of it tears me apart. If only those marriage builder books hadn't been placed in a drawer. If only....

And I have no one to talk to....

Debra, I'm so sorry to hear this. I went through many false recoveries myself and they did a great deal of damage to my emotional health. I know how much you are suffering.

However, I am concerned that you have allowed this to take place by not following the advice and plans you were given many times in this thread. Now you are back here, and your latest post sounds like dairy entry. You need to do much more than simply blog your updates. You need to take action to move yourself away from this affair, which, to confirm what you were told last year, your H has no intention of ending.

A year ago almost to the day, MelodyLane posted this to you:

Your next step should be Plan B, and perhaps filing for divorce.

You divorced your last husband in 1989 and moved in with this man in 1990. Were you involved with him while still married to your last husband?

I called my husband at work. His dining and drinking buddy was there when I called. I informed my husband that I KNEW that he was with OW on Monday night, that I KNEW that he was in love with her and had been in love with her for over a year, that I KNEW that he and his drinking buddy had regular nights out with OW and her friends. I told him NOT TO COME HOME. I'm done. He denied it, but the proof comes from his own mouth and I have it recorded.




I love my husband deeply. I know we put a Band-Aid on our troubles, but I wasn't ready to shove him out of my life. I know I was weak and depressed, please don't spank me for being human.



I divorced my first husband in 1989. I met my second husband 10 years later in 1999. We moved in together one year after we met in 2000. So, the answer to your question is NO.

I apologise. I misread your first post.

And has he moved out?

Are you here to be coddled and placated, or would you like help in developing a plan to solve this?

If you aren't interested in actually using Marriage Builders advice, we have other people that are.

It is understandable that you are hurting, but you can either stand there screaming at your bloody stump, or you can seek treatment.

Up to you...

Have you changed the locks and gone into Plan B?

Sorry you're back with the same pain.

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Have you seen this?
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

I remember your story Debra, and I see that all the advice that was given previously has not been used. Please let us know if you are willing to do the work to change the situation (and yes, that's going to mean separation). If so, people here can help. If you are going to remain in the same situation, then there is nothing we can do.

I feel beaten. Many of you have gone through this, and not one of you mastered the "plan" in the agonizing days/weeks following discovery, yet you think I have the magical power to do this exactly the way you tell me when you tell me. So, not only did I get a beating for trying to process this matter in my head and trying to deal with the emotions, I got a beating when I came to this board looking for the path to sanity.

Now I'm getting another beating. Can someone offer support and assistance without making me feel like the lowest piece of pond scum on this board because I can't do anything right? <--how many times have I beaten myself up because I'm a piece of crap that can't do or say anything right and I just can't take it again from all of you.

I'm a screw up. I admit it! Rub it in my face more, please...I can't get enough of that!

How can we help you get you into a dark Plan B?

Do you have an IM? When can you get him out?

We understand the pain.

Have you been to your doctor for some ADs?

Debra, the stories you read on the False Recoveries thread were either from people like me, who tried and failed to solve the affair problem our own long before we found this website, or from people who found the website and forum but did not take the advice. All of the failures regret not having been able to use Dr Harley's programme, whether through ignorance or unwillingness.

We are trying to get you to avoid going through what we went through. I myself had about 8 D Days and the damage they did to my sanity and also to the recovery of my marriage was immense.

People are trying to get you to act because you have already been through a year of this. Would you rather people gave you virtual hugs and told you that you were doing wonderfully, or would you rather they pushed you to act?

Your last post consists entirely of hitting out at people who tried to help you, and self-pity. Please tell me honestly what you hope to achieve by coming here and posting in that way.

You were asked questions by me and others. I asked you whether your H has moved out. Someone else asked whether you have written a Plan B letter and appointed an intermediary. Could you answer our questions, please?

Virtual hugs--not necessary; rubbing salt into my wounds--not necessary either because none of you can be as hard on me as I am on myself.

Nobody is rubbing salt in your wounds. We are trying to get you to get out of this harmful situation by pointing out that staying still is going to make things worse.

Still you are coming here and hitting out at us, and still you have not answered any questions.

This is not a site you come to in order to get support for your feelings.

This message board is for direction on figuring out and following the Marriage Builder plans for dealing with infidelity.

You are focused on how awful you feel without focusing on getting the heck out of the mess.

Stop blaming yourself for stuff and start respecting yourself as a

wife
woman
human being.

You must either do that or you will continue to feel awful.


Actions create feelings.

Debra,

We can only help you if you are willing to help yourself by doing steps that will include separation and no contact with him.

>>> Are you willing to do this? <<<

It's a yes or no. That's all. No hugs, no salt, just a yes or no.

debra, the terrible feelings and lack of self esteem are a huge part of your problem right now because you're making decisions to take the crumbs of what this man has to offer instead of demanding the feast he's capable of providing.

i have a feeling you knew over the last year that things were totally awry but just couldn't face it. because you're taking his bad behavior as some kind of reflection about your own lovability and attractiveness.

what he'd doing is not because you aren't good enough for him and whatever he provides is not worth the hell you're going through! please get your mind around executing a dark plan B. he will try to weasel out of it because he's a weasel.

you've got to get super tough!! SUPER TOUGH BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT.