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my wife and I have been married for 13 years, together 15. we have 3 beautiful little girls. the last few years she has been unhappy. I am head over heels in love with her and the only thing I want in this world is for her to be happy and to want and need me. we recently went on a family vacation to the city in which she grew up and she was very cold and distant with me, I could tell she was upset with me and didn't seem to be able to stand the sight of me. wouldn't sit with me wouldn't kiss me nothing. and was on her phone almost constantly. this started about a month ago. 3 nights ago I noticed she had posted several things on facebook between her and another guy she went to highschool with a long time ago. and a horrible feeling planted itself in my head, long story short later, when she fell asleep I took her phone and discovered she has been having a relationship with this guy. they text and message each other in facebook all day long, about 50 messages a day at least. she sent him pictures of her (nothing bad)and they seemed really close. but they also had really explicit sex in their messages, telling each other al the things they would do. I was devastated and even now am crying as I write this. then I read further and discovered that while we were on vacation she told me she had to run out and go into the corporate office (which is located in her hoetown where we were visiting) and I discovered that she lied to me and they had set a date to meet each other. they did not sleep together but spent the morning together and they kissed and hugged. after we came home she was even more distant and mean to me. they were making plans for the future and talking about how my little girls would get along so good with his kids.
I am crushed and in the most unbearable pain. the betrayal is on so many levels it physically hurts me. I could tell by the dates and times on the messages that she was texting him right beside me all the time. she even went to bed early on several occasions on vacation and I discovered this was to have their online sex. my question is, did she cheat?....she keeps saying that it was all texts and its not the same thing cos she didn't sleep with him. she had the opportunity but she didn't.
to me she cheated, and I believe she crossed a huge line when she lied to my face and met him behind my back. we live far away but are planning to move back to her hometown and he lives 2 hours from where we would live. they talked about her moving up there and if they could make a go of it....I need to know if this is cheating???....I think yes but I am so hurt right now I cant sleep, eat or think straight. please help. cameronh, your thread title answers the question for you: if you are devastated, it was cheating. And anyone else would agree with that. I'm sorry you've had to make your way here, but you've come to the right place.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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the man she met is not married he is divorced but knew my wife was married. How do you know he's divorced? Don't take the word of your wife - she's wayward. They'll lie to you in a heartbeat. Regardless, track his ex (current?) wife down. You want to be ready to talk to her.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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my beautiful wife hurt me but I cannot do it to her. its not who I am. I am still in love with her and I want to forgive her. I cant destroy her. and I don't care about him, he is dirt and forgotten to me. If your wife was an alcoholic, would you be okay with her going out and getting plastered and driving back from the bar? If she was addicted to heroin, would you take her to get her drug? Would you actually sit back and allow her to destroy herself and anyone around her???  Your 'beautiful wife' didn't do this to you: your wife is now a wayward addict who desperately needs someone to help pull her out of this mess. WE know that because we are not addicted and are looking at her actions. You are so emotionally close to her that you are willing to enable her to continue her behavior, even though you know that it will eventually destroy your marriage. You, sir, are an ENABLER. You're going to have to be ready to do some thankless (for now) work, if you want to save your marriage. Are you up for it, or not?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Nov 2010
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Cam,
By NOT exposing, YOU are being an ENABLER! In essence, YOU are allowing your W to remain addicted.
STOP IT NOW!
Go find the Exposure 101 link...read what Meloday wrote there. FOLLOW those directions TO THE LETTER.
Let me tell you something: I hemmed and hawed and argued with the vets here and delayed in exposing for 3 SOLID MONTHS!!
Can you believe that? I am so embarrased to actually type this...3 MONTHS I waited -- and allowed my W to remain "addicted" to that scuzball OM.
The affair DIED the day I exposed. and many months later, my W THANKED ME for "saving her" from the POS.
When she was out of the fog, and dealing with her own remorse and regret, she had only one sad truth when it came to me:
She said to me "I wish you had exposed earlier."
Let's go, guy. Be THE MAN....rather, be HER man.
EXPOSE.
(Get to Exposure 101 today -- and get it DONE!).
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Have you read the exposure thread? Read what Dr. Harley has to say about exposure? Please read and follow this. Exposure 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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BH, always at the ready.
Thank you!
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Joined: Nov 2010
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BH, always at the ready.
Thank you! 
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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my beautiful wife hurt me but I cannot do it to her. its not who I am. I am still in love with her and I want to forgive her. I cant destroy her. and I don't care about him, he is dirt and forgotten to me. You need to change the way you worded this, Cam. I'll do it for you: my beautiful wife became an addict and hurt me So, you think it's a good idea to help her with her addiction? You think it's the mark of a good husband to enable her? Because that's what you're doing, sir. She's no longer the 'beautiful wife' you married. SHE IS AN ADDICT. You're going to need to take the reins, here, if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage. An addict is not going to do it for you. I suspect you have fled in horror over the prospect of manning up and reclaiming your wife. Pity. We'll be here if you need someone to help you after going through the demise of your marriage.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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my beautiful wife hurt me but I cannot do it to her. its not who I am. I am still in love with her and I want to forgive her. I cant destroy her. and I don't care about him, he is dirt and forgotten to me.
Cameron, I'm whispering to you here, because I really want you to hear me:
Your trouble is, you don't GET it: Exposing her affair won't be "hurting her". That's nonsense made up by a guy (you) who probably is not in his best state of mind. Rather, exposing her affair is what may save your wife from herself. You bust up an affair by shedding light on it. That's what kills affairs. Not by sweeping them under the carpet. There's no accountability in sweeping it under the carpet.
"But I love her so much, I live her, I love her, I love her!"
But, Cameron, you don't love her enough to do the one thing most likely to save her from herself!
Let me ask you, how do you want this to turn out?
-- Do you want simply to be able to tell yourself, someday, that you forgave her, even after she left you for this other guy;
-- Or do you want to be able to report not only that you forgave her BUT ALSO that she was remorseful & stayed with you & your daughters?
See, I've been in an affair. You haven't. I recall a little bit about your wife's state of mind, and I can tell you, it isn't rational, decent, or anything other than selfish right now, because, my friend, she's effectively an addict. So you'd be wise to take my word for it. If you care for her, then your love for her needs to be stronger than your fear of the consequences of exposing the affair.
Realistically, here, your choices are either expose the affair & give yourself at least a fighting chance of saving your marriage; or else be prepared to get yourself a lawyer. The odds of you stumbling across some magical 3rd way where she never has to face the consequences of her infidelity but somehow re-falls in love with you & respects you, are infinitesimally low. That's fantasy-land.
If you want to take action to possibly save your marriage, then you need to quit thinking you're unique. You ain't. This is a textbook affair, and while there's no guarantee of saving your marriage, there are things you can do to better or worsen your odds. You'd better listen up. Time is not on your side, my man.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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