That is what I fear, and I actually said that to him. "I fear that you don't want to change, that you choose to remain this person."

I know it was an LB, but it really is my biggest fear. Cause I know everything will be lost...

I am still waiting on new copy of SAA, but I will look at the articles. Thanks 20YH!

Plan B Letter Draft: The only thing I am unsure about is the fact that OW and him are not contacting. Phone records are not showing anything, and with the new discovery I think he just does it for the thrill or whatever. Should I change the wording of affair? Since I am not 100% him and OW are still in contact?

And yes, I took this from one of the older threads I believe it is Eve's Plan B letter.


My Dearest H,

What I am about to say comes from my heart and it is the most difficult thing that I've ever had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you my best friend, I still believe that you are the most wonderful man I've ever known, I am still so very emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, everytime I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make the affairs possible. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you needed to be happy. I am desperately hoping that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together.

During the past month and a half, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I've tried to show you love, protection and care in the limited time that we've had together. I have learned so many important things. It's like a light bulb came on for me and I now know what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn't anybody or anything as important to me as you are.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new lifestyle that allows us to spend time together meeting each others needs so that we can both be happy. I imagine a new life together, no more angry fights, no more destruction of our stuff, no more hiding and lying. I still see us having more children together on our farm and riding our four wheelers.

I have tried so hard to stay connected to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I treasure every contact that we have. However, the current situation has become too painful for me to endure. Knowing that you were with someone else tears me to pieces. At times the thoughts are unbearable.

Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each others needs, protecting each others feelings, complete honesty, and spending time together.

So I'm asking you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that if you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. The only way I can think of to do this is to end all contact with you until your affairs have ended. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you may be with someone else everyday is destroying the love I have for you.

Please do not call me, send e-mails, texts, or leave voice messages unless you have permanently separated from all OW and have decided that you want to work on building a new relationship with me.

If you should need to reach me in case of an emergency, you can call either one of my parents and they will get in touch with me.

It is not that I don't want you in my life...I want that more than anything...but I want all of you and I want you all to myself. Sharing you is just too painful.

If you should decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. I hope that one day you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I loved you when I met you. I loved you when I married you and I continue to love you to this day. I will love you forever.

Find someone else to be your IM besides your parents. They are too emotionally invested.

A lot that I keep questioning myself is if I should try and continue Plan A until he gets his own apartment. Right now he is leaving with 6!!!!!! other people. No privacy for either one of us. We are having to meet at the park or in the car...

We are only seeing each other 1 or 2 times a week, and I have messed up at least 1 of those times every time with my LBs.

Last time he came to get DS5 at my fathers and he asked to come in the house, which I let him because dad was out of town. I gave him food I made (he LOVES my cooking)and we were having good conversation, which lead to the makeout session.

Maybe if I get AD's I can hold out until then? What do the vets recommend?
Still move into Plan B on 8/26?

Oh yeah Prisca, I meant regarding our DS5 or life and death health emergencies.

In reality I don't have IMs available who are not involved somehow and hate him...

How can I find a neutral party?

You really need an IM to handle all contact about DS5.

Has anyone posted this link to you yet?
How to Plan B CORRECTLY

AD's would be a great idea for you. Really. Dr. H highly recommends them. I have also had luck with just Valerian Root Herb that you can get at any vitamin store. It really takes the edge off my anxiety.

If you can keep this up for just a little over 2 weeks really Showing him you have changed...he might just be motivated to enter R with you. Patience! Your plan is working. I am sure you can see why Dr. H typically recommends Plan A for just 3 weeks for BW's.

Try to casually invite him to spend as much time with you over the next 2 weeks as you can. Dinner? Walks? Take your son to the park?? Whatever..But no pressure either way! Even though he is being combative at times, I know you are making LB deposits. That is exactly what you want.

In 2 weeks, you will be ready for a 'sit-down' with him. I bet you will have your thoughts in place and ready to present him with what works for you! What is your plan? Do you intend to write out what R would look like? (ie...MB plan for R).

You will want to do this before you pull the trigger on Plan B.

If not, Plan B will be your only other option.

I will look up the Valerian Root Herb, definitely need something to take the edge off.

Thats the thing, since he is still not working there is no income coming in. It is hard for us to hang out. I will try and squeeze in some evenings..

I definitely understand why only 3 weeks, especially for weaker ones like me lol. Everything was going well until yesterday... now he is not even responding to my text.

He keeps asking why I am happy and not angry and reacting with hate. I don't know what to respond. He sees it as me trying to get him back, which is true, but can he see through it?

Because you are practicing the new behaviors that back up your statement that you understand your part in hurting your marriage and that you're willing to change. However, that doesn't mean you will accept anything less than just compensation from him.

If he's not responding to you, it is his choice. Don't over reach to him. And don't tell him your time line.

I heard fish oil helps with depression also. And its suppose to help your skin and nails.

I know this may be wrong, but I keep on replaying our relationship. I end up in tears because I see how cruel I really was...

If he even talked about anything that did not interest me I would shut him up or criticize him.

If he had a a bad day at work I was sure to remind him that it was his fault and he needed to improve.

When he would try and kiss me I would push him away.

These memories hurt, especially now that I am reading LB.

We had a horrible cycle going and it was not going to stop until this..

My sisters keep asking why I still want him, and I said, because I realize now I never actually tried, I never thought about his happiness. There are things nobody knows I've done that show I was almost as bad...

It is a bad day over here, I'm feeling the effects of my LBs yesterday.

Some people go their entire lives without being honest with themselves and realizing how they can improve their relationships (and more importantly THEMSELVES). You know the type..."It is always someone else's fault" You should be proud of yourself that you can learn from this experience to create a different future!

Why don't you tell him these things? It is never too late to apologize.

Try not too be hard on yourself. Many of us here have made a LOT of mistakes too! You are not alone. But choosing to create a different destiny for yourself is totally within your power.

Keep your head up. This time of self-reflection can be used as a massive growth spurt for you spiritually. What bad can come of that?

You know the definition of insanity don't you? It's doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

ETA: Let me say that this experience, without question, has been the hardest of my life. However, I truly believe I have become a better person! I know how good I feel about the changes I have made in ME. I hope this for you too.

The great thing about how god made us is that each new day becomes an opportunity to CHOOSE to make different decisions then the day before. Yesterday was just that...Yesterday.

Tomorrow is a new day. Never forget that.

Here's your show.

Radio Clip of jmaguil4's call
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Thank you 20YH.

At the moment he is not communicating with me at all anymore. I have no idea where he is, if he is alive, or anything. He has not used his phone all day, so I'm thinking he is withdrawing because of yesterday.

Must have really messed up with that convo. But like you said, tomorrow is a new day and I will choose to continue trying.

I was reading older posts by Mimi's recovery and she did Plan A a lot longer than what now is recommended. Why is that?



Thank you BH!

Plan A is recommended for a short-ish time for women because it is very challenging to compete with another woman for the man you love.

Some women are able to do it longer, they are no less feminine but are able to compete with a level head knowing they will indeed go to a Plan B at a certain pre-planned deadline if the affair has not ended.

It takes a certain type of born temperament though.

WH texted me all through the night. He was obviously drunk. He kept texting i love y'all i miss yall. I just texted back be safe and goodnight.

Is it strange to pity them? To pray to God so much for Him to pierce their fog?

I am having trouble sleeping through the night. I'm having nightmares of what else he has done that I don't know about yet..

I keep asking myself if I really want this. To live in doubt forever. To see him happy but knowing it could be because he has another one. To have nightmares, trouble eating, and nausea throughout the day. To wonder if I will ever be able to not be restless at his side. I fear living in the past we both know is full of lies.

I think I am going to look up success stories today and read the Bible a little more. I need a pick me up. I'm not exactly feeling depressed, just thoughtful.

The goal of MB recovery program is to build an integrated lifestyle and affair-proof your M. One where another A is virtually impossible.

Asking yourself these questions is a good sign. Your eyes are open and you are not blind!

The reality is, he is going to have to make a ton of radical changes if your M is going to work. Right now, you are the one educating yourself and becoming wise to what defines yourself and a healthy M.

Most likely the initial shock of his A have sunk in and you start dealing with this new reality.His LB withdraws in his account are going to start really taking it's toll on you.

Even so, plan A for all women is measured in weeks, and for men is measured in months/years. The dangers of an extended plan A for women is too great. It's not just that it is too challenging; it is that it destroys their physical health. The risk to their long term health outweighs other factors.

Jmaguil is one of those few women who Dr. H says can attempt a longer plan A. Even so, he said only at most for three more weeks.

jma. The marriage you described above is NOT a recovered marriage. That is what we would call limping along.



If your WH commits to recovery, he will have to:

1. Reveal the truth about his past secret lives and pass a poly.

2. Commit to NC for LIFE with OW(s).

3. Build an integrated and transparent life with you that would make a secret second life impossible. EP's play an important part in this.

4. Commit to the Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty.

5. Spend the UA time with you to rebuild the romantic love and to create "new" happy memories.



A recovered marriage lives in the present where both spouses put the care and protection of each other first. MB gives you the path to get there...you have to follow each of the steps.

And.....once again we reach the point at which possible recoveries flounder.

PF gave you five elements that will be necessary to effect full recovery. They are absolutely correct. Her wording began:

If your WH commits to recovery, he will have to...

Analysis will reveal that that statement is actually two concepts, roughly broken into "today" and "forever".

It is NOT too early for you to assemble the list of what actions you would require to decide that WH has fulfilled the "commits" part of that mandate - documented NC, EPs as you require, transparency in all communications, accountability for his actions and travels, an obvious acceptance of responsibility for the betrayal, and eagerness to help you heal will be the types of things that should be what you expect to even consider commencing recovery with him.

Then the question will likely arise, which is the root of many "incomplete" recoveries here, "What happens when the WS starts 'slipping' in the future?" - violating POJA, not accounting for actions and whereabouts, not participating in (much less actually initiating) UA time, ignoring the BS's key ENs. The default situation is the dreaded "minimally acceptable marriage", which does not adequately represent payback to the BS for the investment in initially agreeing to attempt reconciliation.

Too often, the WS, once the affair is over, and the BS has "taken him back", loses motivation (because of laziness, or disinterest), and the BS cannot bring herself to THEN reconsider if the m.a.m. is worth continuing. Stalemate!

It would not be unreasonable, then, for the BS to make the subjective decision at the initial recovery question, if the specific WS has the drive, integrity, and reliability to follow through with the program indefinitely. It would also not be unreasonable to make that decision, and the conditions that would be expected to reinforce it, known to the WS at the time of the initial "possible recovery" discussions.