Wow TP! I think it is great that you have the opportunity to be a caller on the show and are considering it! What could be better then getting all your questions answered by the Dr. himself?

I am very impressed that you are being so proactive. Go TP!

Let us know when you're on the show.

Will confirm when I know

With thanks for all the kind advice

Don't wait for a text. Change your number NOW. It takes about five minutes with your service provider. Do it NOW. Have no further conversation with him. There's nothing more you need to tell him.

And all your contact information.

Sorry due to a work crisis and being in the UK I didn't get to be a caller but my e mail was featured as the last segment of today's show.

I've just listened and found it really useful.

So no dating, stay separated, make decisions with a clear head ...

TIsmeagain you have been really amazing. Brainhurts thank you for all the pointers really helpful stuff.

You're welcome. I will post your question when it hits the archives.

Did you change all your contact information?

Hi there Brainhurts,

Smiling because you are brilliantly tenacious ,,,

I can't change my contact details as I am a partner in a firm with responsibilities for business development.

I'd have to give up my partnership and that I am not willing to do.

I"m guessing that's the wrong answer!

Would you really have to give up your job? Is there not another way? In those avenues of possible contact that are related to your job, can you think of other ways to keep yourself accountable? How about if your work contacts passed through a trusted subordinate?

I can't change my work e mail address or phone number but I could have all my e mails and texts immediately bounced to the H's iPad ... Didn't think about it but it is quite easy to do ....

But all OM has to do is email you from a different address and it will get through and text you from another number and it will get through. How is that an EP?

Here's a good show tell us what you think.
Radio Clip
Segment #2
Segment #3

Itbdoesn't matter where. The OM e mails from or texts from --- I can offerto have an automatic forward on all email and all texts to my numbers and e mail addresses.

Everything I get would appear at the same time on H's iPad?

The forward is attached to my number not the OM's ..

TP,

You are very welcome and I am happy to have helped!

I heard your email today. I thought they did a great job with it as always. Now that you have ended your affair you can make a clear decision about the future of the marriage. Dr. H never believes in marriage at all cost, and of course your H has given you plenty of reasons for divorce.

I hope that if you decide to give him another chance that you will have following the MB program part of the requirement.
This would eliminate all the selfish and independent behavior that always goes hand in hand with addictions.

CBT is great for teaching the addict new skills and behaviors, and how to deal with anxiety (most addicts have anxiety problems) but, not so much the selfish thinking, but MB does!

Thank you Tismeagain

The H and I are texting (He is on his detox holiday in France- no bar and has just done his first yoga class and had a massage).

Problems - in my head i am thinking he will probably try it on with any attractive female in the place!- I have resisted the temptation to ask if the masseur was a woman!).

I will definitely make CBT a condition of the next 6 months (I am right the Dr H suggested 6 months). Can I ask for his attendance to be reported on? Can i go with him?

I think you are right about anxiety issues despite his very good job, high earner, good looking etc... underlying he is anxious... He hasn't got a great academic record and that still lies with himafter all these years despite having many top university 1sts from oxbridge types working for him...

His parents were not great... low expectations of his achievement were communicated... don't answer in class in case you get it wrong etc..

The CBT is usually short term...like 12 to 16 sessions, because it is goal oriented treatment plan vs. "talk" therapy where you begin an exhausting search through childhood and relationships to try to get to the "root" of the problem, and that can go on for years! (btw, we tried that in the past also, and was useless)

Dr. Harley doesn't recommend the talk therapy approach for marriage, and I doubt he would for addiction recovery either. I just mention this because I thought you may be expecting the CBT sessions to last 6 months and I don't think that is likely unless it has changed.

I am not sure if you will be able to attend all the sessions wih your H, but I am sure you can attend the first meeting and give some input (I did this) and could maybe go along and wait during the session if you would like to be sure he attends each one.

I hope you will keep us updated.

Oh, and as for having his attendance reported to you... my guess would be no because of all the HIPA laws and privacy issues, but it never hurts to ask!

Thank you for that.

We are having lunch on Friday when he gets back and have an agenda agreed to:

Catch up re his holiday
Discuss research that needs doing re CBT Discuss how to label this transitional time....I would like to take off wedding rings to symbolise the old marriage is over and if we do reconcile it would need to be a new marriage. This I haven't brought up as not sure how he will react.
Initial discussion pre relate of how the separation will work in this transitional time.

Great idea re going and waiting. It is actually good for me to here it is time limited

This afternoon i got a big rant e mail from him about the OM and a text he wanted to send. It did make me both cross and wonder if he can can over it.

I did suggest that it might be a good idea going forward to :
1. Not spend thousands in lap dancing clubs
2. Not sleep with other women
3. Not forge my name to cash investments
4 And most of all when you admit this to me tell me you don't deserve me and I should find someone else.

He has apologised and says he can get over it.

i have been researching Al-anon as replacement support ... did you ever try that?


Thank you again I have found your support really valuable.

Yes, although I am not currently. I attended meetings years ago, while my H was involved in his A. I was such a huge mess at the time that I don't think I got as much from it as I could have otherwise. To be honest at that point I had not found MB and was just trying to "fix" my H, obviously that is not the purpose of Al-anon.

A few years later I joined an online Al-anon group. This worked best for me at the time because I had young children and time was short. I found it very useful for myself, and learned to stop cleaning up his messes, or allowing him to push responsibilities off on me that were his. It had become such a habit, that it was automatic.

I also learned not to get so wrapped up in his issues, choices, moods, or whatever else. It really was very helpful. I didn't agree with everything, but as they always said, "take what you like, and leave the rest"...and that's what I did!