Writer1,

I'm curious as to what is bringing all of this up now? This was 20 years ago.

For a number of reasons.

1)Because sometimes awareness takes a long time to pass a threshold where you act. When OM2 happened I just buried myself in my work even deeper, and tried to forget.

2)My GF/W never regained any passion for me after OM2, I worked to please her, but she never reciprocated. This needs an explanation, as it represents years of marginal sex life.

3)At one time I assumed having your GF/W cheat on me was just a cost of having a really hot partner, MB changed my view on that one.

4)At one time I assumed people just got over affairs. Affairs were something everyone laughed about behind the betrayed spouses back, as I had seen happen so often. Yet I never forgot my W's affair had dreams about it.

5)My W still has a good opinion of OM2. Now the story is she viewed him like a "brother" cute.

You knew about the relationship between your then-girlfriend and this OM at the time. You chose to marry her anyway. You've had 20 years together, and now, all of a sudden, you decide to make an issue of this long-ago relationship to the point of actually taking your wife to see the OM. Why?

Marriage builders!

God Bless
Gamma

NG,

Colleagues, it seems Gamma has courageously agreed to perform an experiment on his marital union, for the benefit of our universal bank of knowledge.

NG there are a great many BS who will never get the answers they seek, and who have WS who feel entitled to keep their secret second lives to themselves and even blame their BS for their affairs. Your WWs affair was over quickly and you got the details you needed,if I recall your story, but that's not everyones outcome.

Yes what I did was a bit like resorting to dynamite, but sometimes there is no choice when a WS goes silent.

God Bless
Gamma

FTF,

Yes I very much remembered Lightsout thread, and it gave me some hope I could get my W to talk.

There was another thread, don't recall name, but he got OM to spill on his WW affair from 20 years earlier. He told me his technique when I had emailed him. I emailed him because he had subtly revealed his identity in one of his postings.

God Bless
Gamma

Alphalion,

Don't worry about the threadjack, my original question went unanswered, so it's a mutated thread now.

Sorry to hear about your lost children and even more I feel for your son who lost siblings, how does your WW process what she did to you son?

God Bless
Gamma

G, would it surprise you to learn that, being astute enough to accept the
ineffectiveness of warning you against doing something you've already done,
right now I'm hoping that your "puppy-nose-poop" (Great analogy, Trip!)
policy actually works?

Gamma,

How come you avoid all my posts, but will answer everyone else?

What do you have against emailing Dr. Harley?

BrainHurts,

Because of the Monty Python reference.

Serious, the links you sent me would take some time to read, and I was going to do that when this thread slows down, and I am not ready to email the Harleys.



God Bless
Gamma

Ok thanks for the explanation.

I really do think emailing Dr. Harley will be a good thing.

In your original post on this thread, this is the closest thing to a question I could find.

I'm guessing no one is answering it because very few people here have done this, considering the fact that Dr. Harley advises against it and it seems like a bad idea in general.

Continuing to communicate with past affair partners breaks the policy of NC for life. I believe this policy is for both the BS as well as the WS. I'm pretty sure it is agains MB principles for a BS to look up his WS's affair partner from many years ago, talk to him, and then take the WS to see the OP.

The answer to number 2 is because of you, not "OM2". To say "marginal sex life" is to make your complaint a disrespectful judgement. Do you realize just how much you are letting her know you don't appreciate one doggone thing she has done with/for you, especially sexually? Your overriding drive for OS and that's the only thing that will prove her love to you probably makes her feel close to worthless as a human being. For almost 20 years.

The questions you ask about that old relationship are what is contributing to number 5. You aren't asking questions that help keep this from happening again, you are asking questions so you can use the answers to let her know that she's not doing for you what you believe you are entitled to. You are keeping all her mistakes fresh and present. You.

If you really cared about the quality of your life instead of making sure you are right, you would be so ready to write Dr. Harley. You haven't even found the time to read the links that were posted to you. Have you even read SAA, Lovebusters, HNHN?

And it's pretty sad that your redefinition of MB has made things worse. It seems that it has prompted you to believe you deserve more care without you providing more care yourself.

Can you at least give some thought to what you do that hurts your marriage?

Why does Mrs gamma accept a bad marriage?

Why does Mrs gamma withhold the information that her BH deserves to have?

If Mrs gamma would tell all it would remove the wall between them.

It could lead to a better marriage, divorce, things stay where they are.

Gamma is unhappy. Save to assume Mrs gamma is unhappy. Counseling with Dr Harley would get them some where. Staying in limbo is not good for either of them.

Gama, your posting here is a waste of time because you are just running around in circles. Going no where. Getting nothing accomplished.



Tell your WW that every year we are a year older. Have a year less to have lived a happy marriage. Let us call the Harley's.

Is there anything in the books, on the site, or ever broadcasted on the radio show that ever lead you to believe that it would ever be otherwise?

While it may happen that a WS will view at transgression as a mistake, for them to have a negative view of the AP is highly unlikely. When these things end right - suddenly rather than naturally - a positive LB$ balance remains. That in itself is why a negative view won't develop - and why NC for life is an absolute must.

Dr Harley has said that the positive love bank deposits with the AP remains on the books.

That is why the he says NC must be for life otherwise the chance for the affair to restart is to high. That is why they restart.

As to I just think of the OM as a brother.

Another example of trickle truth.

Did you expect your WW upon seeing the OM again to recall and tell you the fun times, hot sex, and how the OM2 still makes my undergarments wet just seeing the OM again and remembering all those things.

LL,

The answer to number 2 is because of you, not "OM2". To say "marginal sex life" is to make your complaint a disrespectful judgement. Do you realize just how much you are letting her know you don't appreciate one doggone thing she has done with/for you, especially sexually? Your overriding drive for OS and that's the only thing that will prove her love to you probably makes her feel close to worthless as a human being. For almost 20 years.

Again, I have not had OS for a long time, have never demanded it, have had a standing offer to do it for her whenever/if ever she wants. This is not my primary goal in my marriage or in life.

If I were given the choice of getting the truth of my Ws affair or OS everyday for the rest of my life I would choose the truth.

God Bless
Gamma

gamma, is your wife in love with you? That one thing more than any other would probably help to turn your marriage (and sex life) around.

TR,

Why does Mrs gamma accept a bad marriage?

Actually she is very happy with our marriage and the great strides I have made to meet her needs.

Why does Mrs gamma withhold the information that her BH deserves to have?

1)At least in part because she feels our marriage is recovered, as she said to me one, "why would you want to know details that would destroy a recovered marriage".

2)Also because she feels great shame in what she did, heck it took her decades to tell me about something that happened before I even dated her.

Gamma is unhappy. Save to assume Mrs gamma is unhappy. Counseling with Dr Harley would get them some where. Staying in limbo is not good for either of them.

Not so much unhappy as resolute to get to the bottom of this.

God Bless
Gamma

HHH,

While it may happen that a WS will view at transgression as a mistake, for them to have a negative view of the AP is highly unlikely. When these things end right - suddenly rather than naturally - a positive LB$ balance remains. That in itself is why a negative view won't develop - and why NC for life is an absolute must.

That explains it very well, why OM remains a faultless person in W estimation.

God Bless
Gamma

If you understand this, especially the NC for life part, then why did you think it was a good idea to take your wife to see the OM after all these years?

Markos,

W claims a great deal of love for me and appreciates the improvements I have made, and the compliments from others who see the way I treat her.

I am afraid that this increase in marital happiness has made her much more reluctant to tell me anything, as she views what happened pre-MB almost as if it was a different marriage.

God Bless
Gamma

In many ways, what happened pre-MB is a different marriage.

And in your case, what happened with this "OM" was pre-marriage period.

I really think it's time to leave the past in the past and focus on the future and on creating a better marriage today.

This path you are walking down is treacherous and will only serve to erode your wife's Love Bank and drive her further away. Is that your goal?