Ok, so I haven't been on here in quite a few years and last time I was posting as the WS...

Unfortunately, now I'm here seeking advice as a newly BS

so basically I took quite a beating on here last time around and I totaly "got it" I fully understood my position and roles and responsibilities as the WS to help my DH recover and save our marriage.

fast forward 5 years and now I'm in the opposite role... so of course first of all I'm willing to give him another chance... after all, he gave me one.

The problem I'm having is that when I had been the WS I was more than willing to do any and everything I could to "save him from dying" figuratively speaking .. to save our love

but the attitude I get from him is that he made his choice and its me so I just need to get over it and theres no reason he should have to make any effort to do anything ever... he just continues to live his life and go fishing whenever he wants or do whatever he wants. He wont make any effort to surprise me or take me out ever... Im not looking for much, but he put soooo much effort into lying, sneaking around and even having a whole group of other ppl lying for him as well... am I not worth any effort to show me he loves me after his choices and actions this last spring clearly said otherwise???

So Ive been trying... really hard... to fight off the depression and keep a positive attitude, but I'll admit, its a huge struggle and its hard for me to keep motivated and keep up with all the daily chores... which of course does not please the hubby and naturally as a man, he withdrawls affection...

I'm to the point where I'm tired of being the only one that puts any effort into this relationship... I just can't do this alone and as much as I hate to admit, the anger, resentment, hurt and frustration are taking over and not leaving a whole lotta room for love anymore

How do I know when I've given him a fair chance to do his part in helping me recover?? cuz honestly, I just think he's too selfish to even know how to care about my feelings and I can't live with all this pain and hurt all the time... I dont want my children to see me crying almost everyday ... I pray about it all the time, but still can't find peace... please!! can anyone help???

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you to this website, again.

Sounds like your marriage didn't really recover from your own affair? Both spouses should have and follow Extraordinary Precautions all the time, but particularly after an affair. Betrayed spouses are usually at a higher risk for starting an affair of their own, so EPs are for both spouses.

That you had an affair does not negate the need to handle your H's affair properly.

Have you exposed his affair? Have you also exposed your affair?

Is he ever in contact with his affair partner? Did he write a no-contact letter?

What were the conditions of his affair? Have they ALL been eliminated?

Tell us about the Extraordinary Precautions you and your H have agreed to. They are not negotiable and are designed to prevent another affair from happening.

You will both need to agree to live a transparent integrated life: no nights apart, shared passwords, accountability for time and money.

Rebuilding the marital relationship to one that is better than the pre-A marriage.

Each of these steps must be followed or you two will continue to limp along and you will continue to be terribly depressed about the state of your marriage.

OKM,

What was the downside for OM, was OMW or GF told of the affair?

Did you BH confront OM, was OM a coworker or superior and was he fired or demoted.

OM walking off unharmed will keep a BH in the fog for a long long time.

God Bless
Gamma

Who was his OW? How did they know each other?

Have you exposed?

Have you read SAA?

Have you either of you been tested for STD/I?

You expose the affair, and help speed up its demise. Then establish just compensation: extraordinary precautions and transparency. Then work mutually on a fulfilling marriage.

Are you trying to get him to care when he is still contacting her? If so, you got to get that no contact established.

BINGO! You are absolutely correct. Even though I knew we both had the A's because of the same reasons/conditions I didn't think of it with those same words... Very helpful! Thanks!

So what EPs are you both going to put in place?

His A was exposed.
She was a co-worker... WAS!
NC was established.
He refuses STD test.

As fot the conditions of his A and knowing if they've all been eliminated completely, well that I'm not too clear about that. I dont feel like I fully understand all of the conditions... Sometimes I still feel like it can't be real... after all he KNEW what it felt like to be betrayed... how could he do it to me full well knowing the agony it cause if he really loved me?? UGH!

We both read SAA in 2008 and I've read bits and pieces since then.

As for my A, it was exposed and ended in 2008. The OM wasn't in a relationship. He was a co-worker and did lose his job.

Thank you again everyone for your time

Is there a list of EP's anywhere? I need some examples

Here you go.
Extraordinary Precautions

That's a huge red flag that he won't get STD tested. That's even more of a reason to get one.

When was the last time you had SF with him? When was the last time you were tested?