Hi,
As some of you know from my previous posts on here my wife and I have been having marital issues for a while now due to her basic lack of caring about our marriage and possible affair. Basically we are and have been for the last year or so living together as roommates (sleeping in separate rooms, eating at different times etc). Basically my daughter and I hardly ever see her as she works all day till daughter gets out of school then picks up daughter at school and stays with her for 2-3 hrs till I get home from work and then she heads back out to work until after I go to bed most nights. My goal for this post is not to go over all that has been and is going on as that is spelled out in my other older posts. My objective here is to gain some info on what happens if we do separate and then divorce.

We both make pretty close to the same amount of money at our jobs, although I do pay most of the bills as of now. We both have about equal amounts in retirement accounts and the house is in both our names. Other than the house we have separate checking and credit accounts.
Now if we divorce I have no problem with paying 25% in child support although I certainly want no less than equal joint custody, as being involved with my daughter is non negotiable. Although I do realize that the husband is usually discriminated against if it ends up in court even if as in my case I have not been the one straying. I am hopeful however that if we end up on this path that things can be settled amicably and out of court.
My questions revolve around things beyond child custody and support. Like can she seek alimony even though we make the same amount of money and she is the one that strayed? Can she make me continue paying on the house even though I do not live there anymore? I guess my big issue is excluding funds that go for my daughter�s well being I would have a really hard time with her playing house with the �POS� guy she was screwing around with while we were still married and me having to pay for them to do it.
Just curious for any input from anyone who has been through this before as these are really uncharted waters for me. I am not even sure if it will come to this but I want to at least have some idea what it would involve in case it does.

Thanks

Dad, if you don't mind giving away a piece of identiying information, it might help posters if you tell us what state you are in. Your best answer will probably come from someone with close knowledge of that state's laws.

These are questions for an attorney who will know specific state laws, and IMO more importantly the temperature of the local judges.

It would seem that if you make the same amount of money alimony would not be awarded. But who knows.

As for cs, in many cases, if you agree to equal parenting time no cs is exchanged especially if you make the same amount of money.

Hi SugarCane,

Thanks you for the response to my thread. I am hesitant to say what state I am in as I am fearful as my wife knows of this site. While she does not know of this screename if she were to find out she would go off the deep end in rage and that would end any possibility of reconciliation. I do know my state is a "no fault divorce state" if that helps to figure things.

So different state laws differ that much? I did not know that. That is quite interesting.

Yes, for sure. And different jurisdictions have different standard divorce and custody arrangements.

It is true that a lawyer will know the specific state laws and also the temperaments of local judges. However, some people on this board have experienced having lawyers who tell them the standard or sometimes easiest route to settlement, because their interest is in getting the divorce done. Some posters have pushed for better settlements than originally suggested even by their own lawyer, and sometimes they have won better deals than expected. This isn't common in my experience, but it has happened.

That's why it might be a good idea to see what experiences people have had, if any of them have gone through these circumstances in this poster's state.

This is also very interesting I had not thought of it that way. I agree on the judge thing too, I have heard horror stories from many where the judge seems to discriminate against the father no matter what the circumstances.

Dad, I'm not even a citizen or resident of the USA - I'm British, and know next to nothing about this situation. We have one set of laws that cover England and Wales, and that's a much simpler situation. Goodness knows how a country can function with 50 different legal systems!

However, with regard to the no-fault state, I have read MelodyLane say that for example, although Texas is a no-fault state, there has been some influence on the outcome when adultery is cited by the BS. As I understand it, in theory "no fault" should mean that there is no point citing adultery, but in Texas at least, it's not as clear-cut as this.

We see people with that kind of fear frequently, but typically it's not actually true: the wayward spouse may indeed fly into a rage when they discover that the betrayed spouse is not playing along with everything they want - but it doesn't end the possibility of reconciliation.

In fact, I'd say a lot of successful reconciliations have a raging wayward spouse at some point. You just kind of have to weather the storm.

I was not arguing with you and I agree hearing similar experiences can add valuable insite to the decision making process. I would still encourage him to see an attorney and find out what his minimal rights are...he can certainly ask for more than that and negotiate with his wife based upon what his rights are.

I will tell you that my dh deeply regrets not being more aggressive when his wife was behaving exactly like yours is now. He was Mr. Nice Guy hoping to not make her mad. It did no good, and she got huge upper hand on him when she filed for divorce, had him removed from the home and got custody of the kids. She was the one in (probable) multiple affairs, which she never admitted and he never confirmed. He also never told his sons believing it was her place to do so. It was a huge mistake and he is paying for it now with his sons.

That is why people keep urging you to confirm she is in an affair and expose it. Even if you don't want to save the marriage (which is your right) you, your family, your children need to know the Truth. Otherwise, she will divorce you and then introduce your child to her adultery partner as a 'new' boyfriend when in fact he will be the cause of your child's family blowing up.

This is actually my biggest fear in this whole mess actually. It is why i continue to gather evidence to use if things end in Divorce.

The tough part is evidence gathering is slow as she is in so many places for her job (why PI got way too expensive) and all her electronic communication devices belong to the company she works for so I have little to know access to them (she actually sleeps with her iphone in the bed with her). I am still tracking and taping however but have not obtained anything really incriminating yet.

HUGE red flag is sleeping with her phone. Try and get the phone from her while she is sleeping. All your evidence is right there. My XWH would bring his in while taking a shower and basically never let it out of his sight! I would wake up at 3 am and search the phone. BINGO...it was all there.