Hello,
I am a former marriage builder user, can't even remember my user name and not sure if I ever posted or just used the tools on the site. My husband cheated on me starting at least 4 years ago while I was pregnant up to 3 years ago when DS was a few months old. I found out by coming across his online profiles on several websites including plenty of fish and Facebook (secret profile under different name). After he admitted it he gave me access to his real Facebook where I found he was even having or trying to have emotional affairs with women who knew that we were married and about to have a child. One of them even told him to leave me so they could hook up. Otherwise his affairs were random strangers. We used marriage builders and an amazing counsellor to help is through it and for two years our marriage was amazing again. We were trying to have another child, hopeful for the future. About 2 years after D day I was diagnosed with unknown secondary infertility. Things got stressful especially when I had to go through rigorous STD testing. I kept thinking maybe he gave me something and it was missed and is causing this. Everything came back clean and after fertility treatments I finally fell pregnant again. I wasn't prepared for some of the old emotions coming back. Last time he started cheating while I was pregnant. This weekend things came to a big head and huge argument. DH was a groomsman for his brother (married this weekend). Several months ago I asked him if they planned on having a bridesmaid/groomsman dance. I told him I didn't want to be blindsided by something like that, that I was concerned and it would be a trigger for me to see him with his arms around another woman would be too much no matter how "innocent" the situation. So I had asked him to find out so that he and I could discuss it and potentially have him step down. When I followed up with him a few weeks ago he said they hadn't planned on it. We go to the wedding and the bridesmaid he's paired with looks like a supermodel while I'm sitting there a pregnant whale. They started taking some pretty racy pictures including having groomsmen touch their cheeks, grabbing their asses etc..I felt like I was going to pass out and went to another area of the reception where I didn't have to see. Ill admit I was pretty hormonal and emotional after that and feeling angry toward him because I was already triggered and I kept saying that I wasn't wanting to stay late etc..After dinner he comes up to me and tells me that his brother did actually plan not one but three bridesmaid/groomsmen dances. I asked him what happened, he told me there wasn't going to be one. Turns out he never even asked. Suddenly he's telling me to grow up and suck it up. I told him to either bow out of the dance or I was leaving because it was cruel to make me watch that. I told him I didn't know what the right thing was to do because I didn't want to hurt the couple or make a scene but at what cost to our marriage? I had brought it up months ago for a reason, so I wouldn't be put in this situation. He did talk to his brother about it however he told him the reason was "because I didn't want him to". His family doesn't know about his infidelity, I was never close to them so exposing it to them never happened. Plus his fianc� came along after we were in recovery. His brother told him initially ok and to just sit it out but after talking to his wife she said absolutely he had to. DH ended up "accidentally" going outside with our son during the dances to avoid the situation. The couple told their bridesmaids I was a controlling [censored] and I spent the rest of the night being glared at and having snarky comments made while DH got drunk. By midnight I had asked several times to go home, out son was sick and fell asleep. I had to drop my daughter off at her dads because she was leaving on a flight the next morning at 6am. After pushing him a few times to leave, he finally called me a stupid idiot and controlling which got nods and smirks from the bridal party. I begged him to come home and he kept refusing. I left. He didnt come home until the next evening only to get his car and say goodbye to our son since he was leaving to work put of town. We've only argues since. He said I was out of line and I'm not fulfilling his needs because I just caused a rift with his family which is the most important thing to him. I don't know what to do here. I don't know if I handled the situation at all properly, I was on the spot. I don't know what to do now. Do I tell my SIL my reasons? I don't know where to even start with our marriage and the state it's in right now. Any advice?

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. I took the liberty of breaking up your post into paragraphs, so it will be easier for others to read and help you.

Is this a 2nd marriage for both of you? Blended family? You mention a daughter and "her dad."

Have you two been following the Policy of Joint Agreement since your H's last affair? Has he been radically honest with you since his last A? These two policies (POJA and PORH)are THE foundation of a great marriage. Has your marriage been wonderful right up to the point of this past weekend's wedding?

Did you and your H institute Extraordinary Precautions and abide by them since his last A? Has there been a way that you can check up on him in order to help build trust and keep him accountable?

As soon as you expressed your reluctance about the groomsman/bridesmaid dance, he should have respectfully told his brother-in-law he would not participate in the dances. He could even have graciously bowed out of the groomsman role in respect to you.

The most important thing to both of you should be your marriage, yet you say he told you the most important thing to your H is his family. That's a big red flag.

Your H did not return for a full day, only returning the night following the wedding because he was leaving for out-of-town work? Does your husband travel or work out of town? What was he doing the time he was away from home?

Have you two been scheduling in your 15 hours of UA time? Do you two make it a practice to meet each other's most important ENs and avoid LBs? Or is this weekend something completely out of the blue?

Let us know the answers to the above, and we'll proceed from there, okay?

The main thing that I'm concerned about is that it sounds like his affairs were swept under the rug, and you never entered into a program of recovery. Your marriage is limping along.

You did NOT deserve to be treated like that.

You need to expose your husband's past affairs to his family. Hopefully, they will support you. But if they do not, you may want to cut them out of your life.

Does your husband still use Facebook?

Not sure why you didn't expose the 1st affair to his family, especially if they are very important to him. It's never too late and it could help the new bride understand why you acted that way at the wedding.

Why did you let him off the hook? You're not feeling safe because it sounds like he never faced any real consequences for cheating.

It's not to late to correct this. He sounds like the typical, entitled wayward who could easily cheat again if there are no consequences and seemingly there are none.

Oh, and because there was no exposure, he's had a lot of time to reinforce to his family that you are jealous and controlling. It's called spin and he's had A LOT OF TIME to spin.

Sorry you are suffering. You need to take bold action to get this situation righted. Not even asking his brother if there would be a dance is just one small example of a reality that sounds incredibly disrespectful to you and your children.

Hi there.

Sorry about that, I'm was posting from my phone and didn't realize how long that novel was. Seemed shorter in my head :-) thanks for making it clearer.

Reading your reply made me realize just how far we've fallen. We haven't been following anything. We followed the program for about a year and once things were "good" and life got busy we really just abandoned everything. I think first thing we have to get back to the basics. You're right, policy of joint agreement and radical honesty is a good start because we've abandoned it all.

The problems aren't sudden. He was very open to the program, we recovered very quickly and our counsellor used marriage builders techniques with us. We eventually stopped counselling as my benefits cover "temporary" situations and we seemed to be doing ok. I never revealed the affairs to his family because honestly they would not have cared. The wedding this weekend, the groom (husband's brother) was to be married two years ago to a woman he had two kids with. Six weeks before the wedding he called it off because he had been cheating on his fianc� with the woman he now married on the weekend. His parents have the opinion of "their lives their choices". They saw how he was talking to me at the wedding and swept it under the rug, it's kind of what they do. His twin (usually a factor in most of our problems) has been trying to break us up for ten years because I had a falling out with his then girlfriend now wife. I could see him using something along the lines of "well if you cheated clearly you don't want to be with her". I would actually like to cut his family out at least temporarily until we get back on track, but I'm not sure how when one of his biggest wants and needs is to have a close relationship with them.

When we were working on things I was able to have a close relationship with his family because he started putting our family first, putting my feelings first, putting my needs above theirs. Eventually we hit a point where there wasn't any choosing me over them situations.Things sort of fell into place and we were really very very happy.

Things really fell apart after we discovered our infertility. His twin started trying for a baby and they conceived second month in. It became very hard for me to be around them with everything we were going through. Most family get togethers happened to coincide with something bad for us and our fertility investigations so the last thing I wanted was to be around the happy baby talk etc... I'd ask to skip dinner and instead of being supportive he reverted back to his old ways and we'd argue and I'd feel like he wasn't putting my needs ahead and it continued a vicious cycle. We weren't using any joint agreements or anything.

We've both been using LB like crazy. He started working 2 hours away right before I became pregnant. He didn't give it as a choice or family decision. He moved in with his brother our of town and in order to maintain some level of trust we would spend our evenings talking over Skype until bed. He worked 12 hour shifts and keeps in regular contact throughout the day. I don't at this point even have a sense that he is having another affair. This is where I really noticed the radical honesty falling apart. One night when we were supposed to Skype he told me he couldn't yet because he was at a friend from work, a group of guys having some beers. We had talked all day and he never mentioned it. A lot of his lying was just omitting things. Turns out this wasn't the first time. There were other situations, not telling me that my soon to be sister in law had asked when I was going to be in town because she wanted to go for lunch. There was a situation where she had planned an Easter dinner and asked both boys and their wives to dinner. All three, BIL, SIL and my husband knew about this dinner and no one told me. They had decided they didn't want to go. I had no idea so started planning my own. My soon to be SIL got very mad that no one was coming to her dinner and I ended up being blamed for planning my own when I was out of the loop. I know they aren't big lies but they are still lies. I don't know how to handle him going for beers, I want him to have friends and have some relaxing time but it bothered me because of not telling me.

Sorry this is long, I'm not sure how much detail is needed so trying to give as much as possible while keeping it short.

My daughter is from a previous relationship. I had her when I was 19 and my husband has been in her life and helped raise her since she was 5, she is now 16. Her dad is in her life but my husband treats her like his own.

My husband no longer has any online profiles except for google because we use that to chat and I have access to it. We had a joint Facebook for about a year when his parents took a six month holiday and my dad developed cancer, it was an easy way to keep in touch with them. We only had family and have since (my father passed and his parents are home) deactivated it.

He is also now moving out of his brother's. There has been another fallout with him and his wife (seeing a common theme??). I've told him that his family(except for his parents) treats me differently than the other wives because they know they can. They have each tried to have drama with each other and the husbands have always put a stop to it. His brother and his wife had their baby. I have been visiting him while he's away and now that they had their baby they said they don't want us there but my husband can stay.

I know we are a mess and need to start over at square 1 with the program. Don't think I realized it until now. We also need back into counselling. We started counselling through the infertility but the counsellor was terrible and causing more problems so we kind of quit.

Some people do know about the affair, our friends know. I don't really even have a close relationship with his family and they tend to have this "side with the family no matter what" mentality. I will likely let the bride know what was going on because despite how she came to be with BIL her and I do get along. My husbands online life (gaming profiles etc...) were a big part of his life so having to give up that is a significant if not unorthodox consequence. I'm not sure how to handle things with his family. I know for certain telling them would not make them think any less of him or support us. There are family members that heavily drank during pregnancy and again the response was "oh well not our business". I actually think they'll think less of me for bringing it up. I actually revealed it to my BILs ex fianc�(while they were engaged) and she started talking to him about it and he (BIL) got so mad at her for falling for me "playing the victim" that he actually tried to blame me for their breakup instead of his cheating. He said my lies caused problems.

These people are toxic to your family. You need to distance yourselves from them. I can't imagine being a parent and knowing that my son is an adulterer. I would be upset for him, his wife and my grandchildren. These people are not helpful to your marriage. Would they side with him if he was a falling-down drunk who had lost his job and family?

You don't need these people in your marriage.

Yes actually they would. When he was having his affairs he had all around destructive behaviour. His partying and drinking were completely out of control. I had tried to approach his family about it because I was worried he would be partying or drunk when I went into labor and I'd have to drive myself to the hospital. I was told I was being controlling and it wouldn't even be an issue if I weren't pregnant because I was just jealous that everyone else could relax. I had two D-days. One when I was pregnant and came across his dating profile and he convinced me it was nothing he was looking for an ego boost and the second was after our son was born and I found more profiles and his Facebook and proof that it was more. His computer basically didnt screen lock and I opened his email and got his online passwords plus all emails from women he'd been with. There were also emails from his brother encouraging his partying and slamming me and my daughter.

Barelyoverit. There are so many red flags here that my head is spinning.

Can you install some spyware on his phone and computer when he comes home? GPS his car also.

He has plenty of opportunity to have an affair and his actions are very wayward.

I know you don't think he is in an affair - I didn't think my own H was either. You need to rule out an affair first and you do that by watching what he is doing when he thinks you are not looking.