So glad to have found this site and forum; although, I'm a little afraid I did the exposure wrong. Without this site as guidance, I took some haphazard steps towards exposure within 3 days of learning of the affair. I was told that the OW's husband knew about the affair at that time, but I didn't have any information or way to contact him to know for certain. Since then, my adulterous husband and I have been muddling through reparation, but the signs that he's been working towards reparation are few to nonexistent (he hardly talks, doesn't want to answer questions, gets defensive, locked his phone back up and places it upside down all the time, and he hasn't called to schedule therapy, and it's been since 7/19 that he said he would contact her and end it (he did, because I saw her confused text after).

The problem is that my husband travels for work, a lot. We've barely had time to reunite to work on us, we haven't gotten to marital counseling, and we have the above problems, and he's supposed to leave for 3 weeks across country to San Diego, one of the locations of their sexual meet ups. Another week to San Diego is scheduled for September, meaning 30 of 60 upcoming days are scheduled for him to be away. His work facilitates the cheating, and the stress and demands of his work are destructive to any love bank budget. For years, he's dumped his workload of stress on me daily without caring to ask me about my life or my days.

I have a lot of complaints about the marriage over the last 12 years (16 together). He's addicted to porn since the beginning and replaced porn with this affair the last two years, sexting her regularly at night while I was sleeping. He was also military and always traveled to war zones or in harms way or for training that was always dangerous (he's an explosive ordnance technician and works with spec ops still as a civilian contractor now that he's retired). Don't ask me why I love this man, but I do, and I have a lot of compassion for what he's going through, having his lover and all his excitement ripped from him, knowing that he's a dirt bag marriage wrecker, suffering depression and withdrawal. But the world of denial I had created in my marriage meant something to me, and it's very hard to say goodbye, even if he never loved me the way I deserve.

So today, I took additional steps of exposure, late in the game, yes, and now I regret it. She immediately called and whined to him, and he called me and gave me the wrath from hell over the phone then by texts, saying we're over, and that I need to get my things and get out, sleep upstairs, etc. etc. He's never been physically violent, but I do have some fear of how angry he is with me today. I know you can't help me, but I guess I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing by taking steps to expose a second time and after we'd been talking about reconciliation. I just felt like I needed to ensure the affair was truly over before he leaves for 30 days. And now, I am the "evil to the core, heartless" person who ruined two families and behaved vindictively, etc. etc. I've been through such a roller coaster, that the tears have just about dried up after a few weeks.

I really could use some support or thoughts here. I've been reading the pages on exposure, plan A & B, etc., but none answer this question about how stupid I was to expose twice or expose late.

In the disaster zone waiting for the other shoe to fall. Clearly, I am the scapegoat for their acts because I exposed to friends and family ("We should have gone on Jerry Springer, Christ.")

Halie

Halie, welcome to Marriage Builders. Don't question yourself - you're doing great! Of COURSE you need to expose this affair! I am unclear about your exposure targets. Did you expose to her husband? He's you best exposure target. If you haven't exposed to him, you need to do so asap. You don't want to give WH and OW time to spin their story ("Halie's an insecure nut! She thinks everyone is having an affair with her husband!")

Have long have you been married? Do you have children? If they are over the age of four they need to know about the affair. What about your families? Do they know?

Who is this ho-bag who is screwing around with your husband and helping to destroy your family? Does she work for the same company?

Speaking of working: your WH is going to have to quit that job if you want to save your marriage. He cannot travel. That job's gotta go. I know - easy for me to say, right? Regardless, if you want to save your marriage, your marriage is going to have to be the priority - not the travelling job.

How much have you read on this site? Have you read the Start Here link? Please do so if you have not. It's at the top of this forum.

Thanks for responding so quickly, and thank you for reinforcing the (2nd) exposure. Yes, I've read the start here. I haven't read the pages on the marital agreement or the brutal honesty yet, but we haven't gotten that far. I just found the site yesterday, and he's been very defensive whenever I need to talk, not to mention that I've been insisting he get therapy, and that hasn't happened (it is free, hello). He's ashamed, and he wants to hide his head in a hole, but it isn't helping us.

The whore (yes, thank you!) who he's been f'ing seems to be able to travel around the country pretty easily. She lives in IL, works in academia, and has been free all Summer to ruin our marriage. No, not the same company, but apparently available to follow him all over the place.

We've been married 12 years, together 16, and one daughter that he adopted when she was 7 who is now 22, and yes, she knows. She told me that my plan to leave him and to return to my hometown was a good one. Amazing how insightful young people are. I need to listen to her and stop hanging on to this marriage, which has not been so great for me.

In the first exposure, I didn't tell his family (mom, sister, and brother), but supposedly he did tell at least his sister that he had an affair. At that time, I didn't have guidance, so I simply friendship requested a ton of her FB friends. The night prior, I got on his phone and shot back photos of their latest sexting exchange followed by a letter to her work (email address) letting her in on the reality of the lies at the heart of their affair, and I suspected that possibly the husband intercepted those things. The next day WH tells me her husband knows, but I had no clear evidence as to how much she was being taken care of. I only knew that she had called him whining that I had friend requested people (including children unknowingly) and joined some of her groups. He asked me to undo those things, and I did.

Then today, I used the template from Marriage Builders, and I sent paid messages directly to some of her close family and friends that I was able to access from a new FB profile (she of course blocked the first).

As for the job, yes, I agree. It's been horrible for our marriage, facilitating the affair and possibly other cheating. But in reality, he chose the job, didn't he? He set up our entire relationship in just such a way that he'd have freedom to cheat. Again, maybe I need to just let him go, but saying goodbye to years of (what I thought was) a rich and loving relationship sucks [censored]. But back to the job, he'd like to leave it and is talking about a new job, but any job he takes right now will likely require traveling. Any job he takes will allow him to continue cheating. Someone hit me over the head now.

Halie

Oops, it appears that I lied. I didn't delve in thoroughly enough into the Start Here link, so I'm doing that right now. Thank you!

Halie

You need to expose to her employer. They might be interested to hear that they are employing a liar and a cheat. AND someone whose morals are so low that they bottom feed, looking for married men. Do some homework and find out the names of her supervisors. You need to write them a letter. We'll help you with the wording. Don't send it until you've run it past us.

The idea is to blow this affair UP. To create so much havoc and exposure, that they are running for cover. That's how you will save your marriage.

If you weren't there to witness the disclosure, it likely didn't happen. Waywards lie. It's what they do best.

You don't know this. You're too early into this to make that judgement. That may well be true, but wait to determine that.

Okay, you've exposed. Now you need to compile your list of requirements for allowing your husband to remain in your marriage. What are they?

Some suggestions:
Quit the travelling job.
No Contact letter to the skank-ho who's been spreading her legs for him. He writes it - you approve of it and you both mail it to her. We have sample letters on this site that will help you with the letter if/when he agrees to write it.
Complete disclosure to your families and your children.
Complete transparency: you have access to all electronic communications; email, cell phone, etc.
Facebook: if they were in contact via this, or any other social media, he cancels all accounts.

I understand your daughter's loyalty to you. Thank her and then proceed with ending the affair and going for recovery, if that is your plan. Kids don't have the same perspective that adults have. She can't appreciate what you have invested in your marriage at her age.

Keep in mind that you have the right to end your marriage because of his infidelity. That is up to you, friend. We'll support you either way.

Well, it appears that his anger from the exposure was enough to keep him from coming home tonight. I'm fairly certain that this is the end for us, especially with the looming trip. I'm feeling physically ill, and I can't tell if I have food poisoning or if it's the reality of this ending that's hit me. I need to look towards a brighter future without him. I would be very surprised if he magically became the remorseful and dedicated husband. He's just too much of a taker, and he always has been.

Halie

You can withstand his anger, but your marriage can't withstand his affair.

He will get over it. No one can stay angry forever.

You did the right thing by exposing his affair.

Do you know if he is still in contact with OW?

By the way you did a fantastic job on exposing.

His anger is a sign that your exposure has worked really well. The angrier the wayward, the more effective the exposure. No wayward expects there to be accountability and it absolutely infuriates them. this is TYPICAL.

However well it SEEMS to have affected him though, I would make SURE that ho's H knows. And her workplace. And her married friends. And everyone who knows your H. Get them all to remonstrate with him.

You cant expect someone who has been living a secret second life of porn and hook ups for so long to come to a place of remorse overnight. It happens though. However his remorse and how he reaches it, is not your problem. You have ended his secret second life because it attacked you. What he does next is his problem. How he demonstrates enough remorse to keep you around is his problem. If he doesnt, you leave and will have the wonderful world of Plan B to explore. Full stop.

Keep going, you are doing very, very well!

BTW, the anger does not last even with the most unremorseful of H's. Mine completely refused to repair the marriage and was entirely hostile and vile. However even two years on, and post divorce, he tries to reach me through friends because he 'cares about me'.

No one ever passes the messages on however because they know it would anger ME!




These are ESSENTIAL conditions. Your marriage will not recover unless you stand firm to these. A text is no replacement for a proper NC letter. As soon as she texted back - there was contact again! She will not be able to respond to an NC letter, because he will have changed his numbers and contact details before hand.

Of course, he will not agree to the conditions in his present mood. but as I have said, his mood is not your problem. Setting boundaries for yourself is.

I would put the following in a letter if I were you. Then take yourself off to get a well earned pedicure.

Dear H

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a loveless marriage. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me. Your contact details must also be changed.

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - you must leave your job to create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - I must have access to all cell phone passwords,finances etc

4. No opposite sex friendships or relationships of any description

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have full willingness and the ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married.

Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back, because these precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of more honourable behaviour and meeting requirements which will make me safe.

With all my love

W.

I will just pipe in and say

everyone else said it all.

Good job on the exposure.

Do not apologize for doing it. You didn't create this mess. He did.

You simply revealed his secret life.

You did good.

(When he is nasty, think of the movie The Exorcist. When evil actions are confronted, people who did them get scary hostile/vile)

Stand strong.

Halie --

Do not let him browbeat you into fear. Stand tall and proud!
You did the right thing (he did not...)

The issue is NOT the REVEALING of the affair....the issue is THE AFFAIR.

Don't let him sidetrack you into defending yourself. Do not let him bully you into fear. Do not let him manipulate you into backing down.

Please confirm that you have told OW's husband. I don't see that...

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses and words of support. They are truly appreciated. Yes, I was afraid of him yesterday. Although he has never given reason to think he would physically attack me, I feel like I have cornered him, and the guy is well trained and armed.

Yes, I exposed well, twice. The first time wasn't so clear to me, though. I wasn't sure if her husband knew or not. It was just my husband's word (still getting used to those initials.) This time, the exposure was much more effective. I used the template from this site, created a new facebook account, and sent messages to 15 people (paying paypal for direct messages at $1 each). The people had each either liked her birthday photo or her children's athletic photo, and they appeared to be family or adult friends (and a grandma). In response, I got one text saying, "there should be a law against this. These things should be kept private," another with the name and address & phone # of the spouse, and a third from her sister apologizing and asking me for more information. The OW's sister said "the sisters" are going to convene with the OW. She wanted to know who all I had sent the text to so as to know which children may know and need family counseling about their aunt's behavior. One of the recipients may be an adult sun (The OW is 45 years old). The sister also said they will be contacting the husband.

I wrote her back offering the requested info and asking for copies of the OW's cell phone text messages (my husband used a work cell, so I don't have access to those records for our pending court battle or leverage, either way). I also informed her that I have genital herpes and photographed a copy of my pill bottle. I know that the affair was bare back because that's how he is. I also suspect that there may have been one night stands throughout our marriage and that he may have slept with other people with the OW or away from her in the last two years. He did admit to not using a condom and to not having been tested for HIV since he retired from the Navy some 3 years ago. So that family has a lot to deal with right now.

I have the contact info for the husband, but I'm afraid to call, and I don't know what time to call. I suppose I could just leave a message for him to call at his leisure.

I'm still dealing with very sick feelings today. It's been a month since D-Day (is that what you call it?), and I think I feel as bad from this exposure backlash as I did from discovering the affair. I have no idea why I love this man. He's bad for me. I don't want to care if he calms down and comes around. I now believe he's a monster, and I need to get out of here to recover my life.

Halie

To add that the angrier the WS gets the more effective the exposure is.

Today, he contacted me saying that she is ready to kill herself, and that if she does, he'll prosecute me for internet bullying and manslaughter. Nice, eh?

Halie

...he'll prosecute me...

Wow! All by himself?

Even if she does commit suicide (unlikely - OW's are notorious drama queens, and generally want to keep everyone ELSE at the edge of their seats), it's still not your fault for telling the truth.

They gravely harmed two families, and need to be held accountable by both.

If WH is a repeated offender, and because he has the porn addiction, your chances of R are smaller, but not gone. I still recommend Plan A and then Plan B no matter what you end up deciding. It's your best chance to still salvage your M if that's what you want, and also your best chance to walk away with your head held high, knowing that you did everything you could.

Plan B is a great option for anyone, whether they want R or not. Extended contact with a wayward will make anyone crazy.

Congratulations - you hit a bullseye with this! One last thing remains, and that's to ensure firsthand that the BH knows. Don't wait. If she hasn't already started badmouthing you, she's trying to get this story down about how you're insane and controlling, and thinks you're having an A with your dear friend, who is just friends.

If he doesn't hear from you about the hard proof another GOOD JOB for getting that - he may believe her.

OW is threatening to kill herself because she didn't want anyone to know she was screwing a married man. She knows it is a bad thing to do.

Not your problem.

Your WH now has to deal with the stupid OW.

BTW.....the threats to prosecute you (so you will shut up) are par for the course.

Good work. Caring families want to know when a relative is putting herself and children in harm's way and destroying a marriage.

You COULD reply back to the 'should be private' message, that if they dont care about their friend/family, that's up to them, but I wouldnt bother. If they want to be like that, that's their response. Every single person who sent me a message like this turned out to be a wayward themselves, so be aware of that.

I wouldn't reply to your H's ludicrous accusation either. If the shame of being an OW makes people kill themselves, then he shouldnt have made her one. Dr H says everybody in an affair is depressed so it is more likely you are helping her, than harming her by letting her family know what her mess her life is in.

If he confronts you tell him you are sorry his A embarrasses him or "I am sorry OW is embarrassed by her decision to have an A".

I wouldnt be afraid to tell him either:

"OWs family is very angry that you have made their sister your mistress. They are angry that you have exposed her to STDs. They will help her make a better life from now on"

Agreeing with waywards in a confusing way is also a good way to keep them baffled.

Him - "Rant, rant, rant you are vindictive, you are destroying her life"

You - "Yes I agree she has made a mess of her life"

Him - "Her family hate her!"

You - "I am glad she has her family's support to do better in future"

Him - "You have shamed her!"

"Yes, it is normal to be very ashamed of adultery"

Him - "I will take legal action, it is cyber bullying!"

You - "I checked and it is not illegal to tell the truth in a calm and respectful way."


Or tell him: "Affairs are embarrassing and depressing things. But now it is out in the open, you will have all the loving help you need to move on."