Just wanted to add that if you and H work the MB program and use the policy of joint agreement (POJA) and extraordinary precautions (EP's) he can't forge documents, have affairs, or go to strip clubs anymore.

Have you mentioned the MB program to him yet?

Not this time. I was quite zealous in 2003 and told a lor of friends about it, some friends took the emotional needs questionnaire together and the H did not rate the W highly on anything - they split... My H started to call it marriage breakers.com and so I have been loathe to mention it since.

I did try to get him to commit to the policy of joint agreement before but he was dismissive. EP's are going to be interesting too... Ski-ing is his big love ... Can't see him being happy to give up lads ski weekends .....

So I am going to introduce it after I hear what relate suggest. I have re read it though ...

I will give al-anon a go for support.

Thank you for the advice tismeagain

Here's your question.
Radio Clip of The_TP's Question

TP, I understand what you are saying about a failed attempt with your H and MB in the past. This occurred in my marriage as well, in fact my H's interest in MB was just that it could be a great tool to fix me, and also I could learn to meet HIS needs. UGH. TBH, my H's approach made me sick, and caused me to shut down and go into deep withdrawal.

That obviously was NOT using MB. Your friends just doing the ENQ was not using MB. The program does have to be followed correctly and completely to work.

You and your H tried to recover your marriage on your own, with a dab of MB (same as we did) and the results were a complete disaster (same here :))BUT...MB does work when you actually work MB!

I feel like you are basically in the driver seat here, about the terms for recovery and reconciliation are for this marriage.

Thanks for the link brainy!

You're very welcome.

Well H is back from detox week..

Big chat yesterday

He has done 2 weeks no alcohol on willpower and this expensive week away
Promises to give up completely until 1st December
Promises to undergo a programme of CBT
Has switched his tracker on his phone on
Says as is eating is very healthy I can watch his weight loss continue and then maintain at a good weight as proof he isn't drinking
Says I can see everything via bank account and will provide supermarket receipts so I can reconcile his spending..

In December he wants top try social drinking and will agree with me in advance which social events he will drink at. To be followed by say a week back to no drinking.

If he cannot cope and falls by the wayside he will repla with something like AA?

Does this sound workable?

Why would he ever want to try to be a social drinker?

As an alcoholic he should stay completely away from alcohol.

Why play with fire?

Here.
Never Take the Word of a Wayward

Does this sound workable?



No, not at all. Read up on the progressive nature of the alcoholic addiction. I have been in AA for nearly 19 1/2 years and have never seen a former member of AA go back to ANY amount of drinking without it creating further problems.

LTL

Ah..

but I am advised that CBT does work on alchohol addiction for some people, so they can move to controlled drinking without going back to the old patterns of behaviour?

Any experience with CBT?

Thank you for the warning LTL..appreciated

No, I'm sorry that i can not share any personal experiences about CBT. I have read about it, but haven't utilized it.

LTL

I have posted another question to the radio show about the next few months, my separation and how it should work if i did want to give H another chance to sort out his alcohol...

Good. Let us know when you'll be on.

will do, when I hear..

My question has been answered by Dr Harley by e mail

Here was my e-mail


Thank you again for addressing my question on 1st August.

I have followed the advice and ended my dating as you made me see that was just complicating things.

I am due to see my husband for our last relate session this evening and have decided to give him another chance if he can prove to me over a period of time that he can get sober and find someone to hold him accountable for the changes he promises to put into his life.

My question is how should this period of time work?

We are currently separated with me living in the family home and him in the company paid flat 80 miles away.
Our children are grown up.

Should I be in regular contact with my husband during his recovery time?
What does regular mean? Daily/Weekly/Monthly
What does contact mean? Text/phone call/dinner/ dates?

Dr Harley said he needs somebody to hold him accountable- any recommendations on who that should be- family/friend or complete independent?

How do you recommend I work with the person who is going to hold him accountable?

Your husband should join an AA group or something similar to that where he would have a sponsor that would hold him accountable. You might also want to join an Alanon group to provide direction, support, and encouragement. You have the choice of either remaining separated to see if he can follow the program for at least a month or longer. But you should be in contact with him throughout that time, depending on how comfortable you would be with the amount of time and the method of contact. You can talk with him, and be with him as often as you would like. When you decide that it�s relatively safe for him to return home (no setbacks), you should make an agreement with him that if he has another drink, you go back to being separated again, and he increases the AA meetings, even to once a day. The point is that you cannot be married to a man who loves alcohol more than he loves you. Let us know how it�s turning out.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

So are you going to take this excellent advice?

I am. H wants to try CBT as an alternative to AA. He has booked a 12 week course. He is making enquiries to find a sponsor to hold him accountable.

I have decided to stay separated to see how he gets on (My friends are saying they know he can stay off the alcohol for a period of time but don't believe it will last and are concerned for me).

We are texting and arranging to spend time together next week.

I have explained to him that if he does return home and we end up having a set back the separation will have to come straight back into force. I have also set a zero tolerance on lap dancing and lying... so if he does have a set back he has to tell me about it so he can increase his support.

i have accepted that if he loves alcohol more than he loves me we will need to divorce.

I am very grateful to MB ...

I may have missed it in an earlier post, but why the recalcitrant resistance to AA?