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Does OM have Facebook? Copy all of his contacts into a word doc for later. This is one example of a tactical consideration. Meaning, get your ducks in a row (quickly) so you can hit all your exposure targets in one swoop. Not her relatives today, yours tomorrow, and OM's the next day. Get it in order to tell everyone at once, before the waywards have time to start their spin machine. Again, what you have is enough. If you find anything else out while snooping while prepping for exposure, it's just icing. You already have the cake. You have the next best thing to photos or electronic proof, that of an eyewitness...you.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I know I need to expose but I have to get it all together. I want it to be effective not spur of the moment. Is not talking to her on a daily basis a mistake? I havent texted or called her in 4 days. Is this space a mistake? I will expose soon.
I have checked the phone records before she had her phone shut off and a new one activated on her own account. The texting/ calling started on July 24th nothing before that. I plan to deliver all the letters late sunday night so the get them at once Monday morning.
Is this waiting too long?
L&S
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I couldn't agree more. Read this and expose ASAP. You have more than enough proof already. You have the truth.
-SOL
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SOL,
I plan to expose on Monday. Do you think that is too long? Im just not sure if doing it spur of the moment without a good plan is a good idea?
L&S
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Your plan is Plan A. Have you read this? Carrot and Stick of Plan A
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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This isn't really spur of the moment. You have now been mulling this over for at least the past two days. Waiting until Monday, your looking at a week. I suspect your fear is holding you back a little bit. That is expected but must be overcome.
Why do you think you do not have a good plan? What is your current exposure plan?
Phone calls to who? Letters to who? Facebook message to who? Are your finances secured? Are you prepared for their reactions?
Arm yourself with knowledge about Plan A. If you wait for everything to be absolutely perfect, it may take too long.
Recommend you post your current status on exposure plan here and the great folks on here will help offer changes/modifications if needed.
I defer to the experts on here as I'm a little rusty regarding specifics on timing and all, but I can tell you that these people know what they are talking about and they have helped me tremendously in the past. The consensus I'm getting is sooner rather than later.
You have the tools. Read Exposure 101 and the article linked above. Protect yourself financially (bank accounts & such) and read more on Plan A because that is where you are now. Develop in your mind how you will respond to her 'outrage' about you shining the light of truth on their adultery.
-SOL
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BrainHurts,
Thank you for the links I am reading now.
L&S
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SOL,
The reason I am holding back is because she has access to all of my finances still. I am going to get them secure tomorrow. And I will post my plan and example letters tomorrow as well.
L&S
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I will post my exposure plan and sample emails, FB messages and letters tomorrow for feedback. Also, who I plan to call and what I am going to say. E-Day is Friday. I am going to get off for tonight and get some well needed rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day with establishing my plan and our first counseling session(if WS shows up). If not it will be good for counseling for me. Thanks for all the support.
L&S
Last edited by lost_scared; 08/07/13 10:25 PM.
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I will post my exposure plan and sample emails, FB messages and letters tomorrow for feedback. Also, who I plan to call and what I am going to say. E-Day is Friday. I am going to get off for tonight and get some well needed rest. Tomorrow is going to be a long day with establishing my plan and our first counseling session(if WS shows up). If not it will be good for counseling for me. Thanks for all the support.
L&S Great plan. Get some rest.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I will post my exposure plan and sample emails, FB messages and letters tomorrow for feedback. Also, who I plan to call and what I am going to say. E-Day is Friday.
Strap up and dig in, my friend! You will have support and counsel here whenever (and on whatever topic) you need it.
She will probably go bat-sh*t crazy. YOUR BEST TACTIC is to stay cool , collected and resolute.
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Thanks guys,
I will post back I a while. I am starting to type up the letters.
L&S
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Does each letter and FB message to the WW's family and friend have to be different for each individual? Same with OM's family and friends?
L&S
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Does each letter and FB message to the WW's family and friend have to be different for each individual? Same with OM's family and friends?
L&S
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That would be a lot of unnecessary composition, so make it generic:
I'm sending this to you as you have been an important person
in WW's life.....I'm asking your help, combined with all other
friends and family, in urging WW to give up her illicit behavior
and return to her husband and family.
Make the same general addresses to POSOM's contacts.
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Just stopping by to lend my support. Exposure was a tough thing for me, but I knew it needed to happen.
Good luck!!!
Me, 34 BW (although we made many bad choices that opened my marriage to this)
Him, 34 WH
Two sons 6 and 3
D-day 12/24/12 and many more in the 6 months after
Plan B, 7/10/13
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
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Does each letter and FB message to the WW's family and friend have to be different for each individual? Same with OM's family and friends?
L&S Just copy the templates in the Exposure 101 thread. Did you see them? FACEBOOK or email exposure letter to family and friends of YOUR WS - this was written by board member, Underdog:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. As some of you know, xxxxx has recently asked me for a separation, which has shattered my heart. To my shock, I am saddened to have discovered that the reason is because she has been carrying on an affair with a old boyfriend named xxxxx xxxxx who resides in xxxxxx. He is also married and has young children . The purpose of the separation is so that she can carry on her affair without my interference.
She refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers.
Warmest regards,
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Friday sounds good. So does securing your finances first.
You don't need to be forcing contact if she won't talk to you, but part of Plan A is being available and willing to meet her EN's if she'll let you. If not, as long as she KNOWS you're willing and available to meet them, you're doing your job.
In general, the angrier she gets, whether at exposure or your kindness in Plan A,the bigger the impact you're having. Which is a good thing.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Plan A will not work for you if you go in to it with
ANY EXPECTATIONS
that you
will
should
could
get YOUR own EN's met....
that's is the formula for failure...
set up to fail by the BS....
I have said it a hundred times...
PLAN A must have a time frame for ending BEFORE it begins....
so that the person entering it...realizes that they will be giving and doing things that go against...
societies advice...drop em dump em slam em....
friends and family who love you and CAN NOT stand to see you hurt.....
and even your gut instincts....IT'S NOT FAIR... that I the BS do this when the WS doessn't deserve it...
again and again and again...
the deep seeded rationalization it takes for a person to engage in an affair...
is the complete compartimentalization of reality
and has been building in their thought long before the affair 'officially began"
you must
must
must...
be willing to accept that the BS has been mentally villified to
excuse
justify
and
rationalize affair actions.......
PLAN A is allll about and in my opinion....
opening up communication
in tiny tiny avenues
always giving the WS exactly what they don't EXPECT
this is NOT door matt behavior....but like PEP once BRILLIANTLY concluded...
a WELCOME HOME MATT
love that cerebral picture....
you know what exactly feeds in to the WS justification...
behaving in a way that gives them the weapon to aim at you...
PLAN A is not grandiose fix it now
PLAN A is not about addressing deep marital issues....
that is also set up to fail as the WS is in total
justification mode....
PLAN A is NOT long drawn out talks that go way in to the night.....
When you pick your end date...the FIRST step in plan A....
then you build a road map...of all the things you can do that get the WS attention...
small verbal interchanges
small gestures....
WS spouses are drawn to say that even when the affair relationship is failing.....
that there is too much damage done already to fix the marriage....
there is great fear in facing their actions.....
and forcing them to do so when they are in this mode is also setting up for failure...
push for the apologies...and woe to you who get it without true meaning because you will not have true remorse...
but remorse that will again become the weapon....
PLAN A is full of hope and NOT about fixing things in the marriage in that the WS needs to address...
THAT is what recovery is for...
PLAN A is never ever about getting a committment from the WS to do something....
again hand the weapon
you will hear...
you made me
you forced me
you controlled me....
PLAN A is about setting your boundaries....that are full of actions for the BS and NONE for the WS
in a good plan A you can say...
I didn't make you choose anything...
I just refuse to be part of a triangle...period...
you my dear WS will make your own choice as well....
and then add....
with a warm smile...
remember my love....
doing nothing is a choice as well......
People that do plan A well find great freedom and creativity in the doing and giving and meeting of ENs...
people that expect their needs to be met...
flounder and get crushed....
please please please use the board here to ground yourself in plan A....
digging deep for its short term actions........of great sacrifice.......knowing the payoff is down the line.....
NOT while in plan A....
never in plan A....
I could go on and on and on about this......
If you don't understand this...use this board....
ARK This is amazing, really clears up what YOU all have been saying to me. Stop wanting and just give for the next few weeks. Borrowed from Pep but thought this could help here as well.
-SOL
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