My husband and I have been married for 6 yrs. Before getting on board with Dr. Harley's program the last 5 yrs. have been challenging for me. In the past my husband engaged in hurtful behaviors; gawking, flirting, have female friends and even made a hurtful comment that his female friend (he has no contact with her anymore) is way more better looking than me. When that hurtful comment was made I was working hard on how I looked I was finally gaining some self confidence in myself again, I was 130 pds I was going to the gym daily for 3 hrs. and eating VERY healthy, I dyed my hair blonde (which he preferred)I wanted to please my husband and myself. When he started to; gawk, flirt, and said that hurtful statement, I felt like whatever change I made was never going to be good enough or to his standard. Today, 18 months into Dr. Harley's program I still feel like I'm not good enough (physically). My husband no longer engages in those hurtful behaviors, I see that he tries very hard not to look at other women when we are out in public. We follow the POJA, Dr. Harley's concepts, and things couldn't be better. My only issue that still remains is with myself. I still feel that I'm not good enough (physically), my husband has apologized for his past behaviors and gives me complements but, I don't believe him and I still feel uncomfortable in public with him. Those hurtful behaviors in the past has affected me greatly; I used to enjoy going dancing, and going to the gym with my husband. I no longer enjoy doing those things with him, I feel comfortable doing any of these things with him. We live in Las Vegas and there really isn't much to do here other than going to clubs or casinos (which I used to like to go to but not anymore)internally I still feel like I'm competing with other women. Will my feelings ever change with time? Has anyone experienced anything similar to my situation? If so, how do you get over the hurt? Thank you in advanced.

Welcome to MB.

Does your H say you look good?

Are you doing the online program?

Thank you! My H says I look good now, but it's challenging for me to believe him due to the "eye candy" he liked in the past.

We listen to MB Radio and have had some of our other questions answered on the show, we've read His Needs Her Needs for Parents, Love Busters, and just finished watching Dr. Harley's new DVD (for small groups).

Do you remember when your questions were answered on the show?

You said he has stopped gawking, correct?

The problem is with love bank balances. While you have been doing all these things to deposit love units into his love bank, he has not. Indeed, his criticisms have caused withdrawals from your love bank. There really isn't anything wrong with you. Your husband needs to step up his efforts, and find ways to make some deposits. That will turn this around.

I think our other questions were answered June or July of last year.

Yes he has stopped gawking, he doesn't have friends of the opposite sex anymore (he used to have at least 7). I guess I'm the one with the issue of insecurity since all this happened, and I'm trying to pretend like nothing happened but its not working. Before MB my H lied to me about running into an old fling, I had a funny feeling about his behavior. I had asked him if he ran into anyone or if something was wrong and he kept saying no. A few days later his old fling liked my H Facebook page that I was running for his practice. I confronted him about her liking his page then he came clean. I guess that's why I still have trust issues on believing what he is saying is true. I know he doesn't want to hurt me anymore than he already has.

If you can remember the dates or names of the questions I can look and post them.

Like Mr.e said, how has he been meeting your ENs?

How much UA time are you getting?

Wow!! I have a bad memory. Lol. One of the questions had to do with job change due to running into his old fling, I believe that email was answered in Dec. 2011. My friend also wrote in because we were both dealing with the same issues and her email subject line was "The 2nd wives club". I don't remember the date she wrote in.

My H does a great job meeting my EN, we still are having issues with UA. Our UA is almost at 15, it's probably 10 hrs a wk. We've been having issues with childcare, our one sitter moved out of state and my parents are unreliable. When we do go out I feel uncomfortable due to the lack of things to do here in Vegas. I won't go anywhere anymore where there is half naked women (hard to find a place that there isn't here). So we do the same boring things every time: go eat, go to the mall and then go get the kids).

I will try and find your radio clips and post them. Unless you'd rather I don't?

Do you have access to Dr. Harley on the private forum?

Okay I found the date my question was discussed, it was discussed Dec. 15, 2011.

I do not have access to Dr. Harley's Private forum. How do I get access? Do I have to be invited or is it something that is offered with his sessions?

My question was discussed on Dec. 15, 2011. No, I don't mind if it's posted.

You gain access to Dr. Harley's private forum when you sign up for his online course.

Thank You!!

Yes definitely post to Dr. Harley.

Is this your question.
Radio Clip

Yes this is my radio clip, it was the 2nd one (Tawny from NV).

Will you be able to post to Dr. Harley on the private boards today?

I don't have access to Dr. Harley's forum because I'm not enrolled in his online program.

Oh ok. I can't listen to your clip right at this minute. Can you please tell us what Dr. Harley told you on your clip?

Dr. Harley said that you should never talk or see former lovers and don't help anyone else of the opposite sex with their marital issues.

In the pasted my H would give marital advice to his patients mommy's. This would really bother me, I told him he's a pediatrician not a marriage counselor. These mommies would bring their kids in(some were not sick) just to see my H so they could have a conversation with my H. He no longer works at the same work place and he no longer engages in this behavior (as far as I know).

Ok so let's recap.

Your DH says he is happy with your PA.
He has implemented EPs/boundaries at his practice, but you aren't 100% sure they are being followed.
He is meeting your ENs.
Love Busters are eliminated on both sides, correct?

UA time needs some help.

Have you seen this?
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

What can he do to make you feel more safe when he's at work? Do you drop in unexpectedly to his office?