This is why Dr. Harley says 3 weeks for BW, but some women need less time.

I am no longer snooping, it is causing me more pain. I don't want to know what he is doing.

I'm backing off because I feel like I am still suffocating him. It used to be me who always texted him and called him. The first week after DDay he was the one calling and texting, saying he felt stupid because he should have done it before.

He is picking up DS5 next Tuesday so I am not going to contact him until then. That's if he does want to see DS5.

IDK, what do you recommend? Try and continue a mild form of Plan A, or continue hitting it hard? I want to continue leaving good memories, but every week something is happening that reminds him and me of what we were like.

I feel like I am withdrawing from his bank without trying, like I used to. I have said it before, I was pretty cruel. When we got back together I was going for revenge, and since that day I have treated him like shi*. There have been moments the last few years that have been good, but right now all I remember is the bad, and I am sure he does too.

I really needed to vent guys. I have not cried but I don't exactly feel chipper either.

Oh yeah, on the plus side I've lost 12 lbs since Dday! Lol, I know not the healthy way but still a loss. Now its the last ten left!

I will decided this Tuesday. I will see how we interact. I will let him cool off this weekend. Then try again next week.

Thank you BH and Prisca. I just feel like he is not seeing the new me, because of constant drama. That I do know I should not have done. Like continue to contact OW. I feel stupid cause they weren't talking, but I really believed they were. I still believe it. Lol, Can't believe liars now can we?

No matter how much Plan A I do, I either LB or outside events make me LB. Which is making him more cruel each week. At the same time, I know to let the consequences fall on their shoulders...

Ugh, this is so....I don't even have a word...

It sounds like you are coming to the end of being able to Plan A.
I'm really concerned for you and I believe you should be thinking about going to Plan B sooner rather than later.

You can always contact Dr. Harley again, you know. He welcomes previous callers to email him and keep him updated. You can tell him how you're doing emotionally, and see what he says.

I agree. Write Dr. Harley and update him. Can you do this today?

The concern is your mental and emotional health. What does your mom say?

Oh really?!?! I definitely will email then. I am trying to set up an appointment with him, but I am low on cash.

I am even selling some of our stuff to get the cash together cause I feel like I am floundering in my Plan A.

And you may be right about coming to an end with Plan A. That's why I am waiting to see how he is on Tuesday. That day I will decide if I need to go to Plan B.

Thank you Prisca.

Will do in the next few minutes. Mom took me to get AD's. She wasn't excited about Plan A because she thinks he should be the one crawling back to me.

See the thing is, everyone thought we had the BEST marriage, everyone said they wanted to be us. But of course nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. I told my mom everything from when he and I got back together.

I told her I made him beg and then said yes so that I could do the same to him, but I ended up pregnant. Still with a lot of spite. I told her how I treated him. Sometimes I would get physical. I was not a perfect wife, I was not there to make him happy, I was always looking out for a better man, I did not respect him. Etc.

Now my mom understands why I am doing this radical changes and she thanks y'all. She says I am becoming a better person, regardless if he decides to try again or not.

It is really hard for me to admit my past, but I need to say it. It reminds me to not be that person. And it was not just with him. I carried anger and resentment and took it out on everyone.

If I had not found MB, I would be worse. So I truly say thank you, for making me look at myself and what I had become..

Dr Harley no longer sees paying clients.
His son, Steve Harley and Jennifer Chalmers (who co authored Surviving an Affair) operate the telephone consultations.
Dr Harley will give you advice at no charge through email or radio show.
I don't think you need to pay for the telephone consultation at this time; the posters here are familiar with his concepts and can provide you with his advice. You can always email him for confirmation too.

I suggest you keep the money and save it for an attorney.

In answer:


Additionally, no matter how you treated him in the past, it is clear to him that you are different now (your Plan A was good). That hasn't changed how he's treating you, though (so, make your Plan B good).

That is one of the beautiful things about the MB program. Even if you do not reconcile with your husband, you will come out a better person.

You are going to recover from this, hon. With or without him.

I emailedd Dr. Harley with all the updates. Do I notify the mods?

JK, there really would not be an attorney needed. We were living check to check. I was in school full time. He is not working. We have agreed on visitation. Why would I need an attorney?

LL, see that's why I am so confused. Because he has only seen me one time be that happy positive person. Just one day. After that I have LBed. I'm not trying to be hard headed, really, or argue. I'm just trying to see it from his view.

Prisca, I agree. I know I will be a better person. I just need to work on myself more, especially now that I know what I did.

Notify the mods if you do not hear back from him in a day or two.

Don't trust him to stick to that. Be prepared to have to put up a fight.

Dr. Harley has said that for a BW, sometimes just saying you are willing to meet his emotional needs if he ends the affair is enough Plan A. That one sentence. You've done more than that.

Thanks Prisca, I will be ready for the fight.

As far as just saying it. You are right. I said it. He heard it. Agreed. Then was fired and OW family threatened him. Now he says its typical me. Lol.

Is the correct email the one for the radio?

Dr. Harley's email: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

I am still on Plan C!!!!

I thought I was not, but then I read the thread

BSs.....Plan C is not a Plan

I am still letting him control MY emotions.
I am still letting fear of what he will say or do control what I say or do.
I am believing his threats and tantrums.

I am angry at myself.

That's why Plan B sooner than later may be what you need.

OK, BH. WH is gone for the weekend. I will not contact. I will wait on Dr. H reply also.

If Dr . H recommends Plan B, I will do it this Tuesday. I'll make a last impression. Then he will take DS5 overnight, and I'll have him drop off at MILs on Wednesday. After he has left, I will take all his stuff to MILs, and the letters. He will be on Plan B this Wednesday.

That's a great idea!
Now regarding visitation I strongly encourage you to see an attorney.
The reason why is because verbal agreements don't mean anything.

Custody needs to be approved by the court. An attorney can guide you through this.

This may indeed come to plan B.

However, I suggest you get a babysitter, set up a time that you can carve out a couple of hours and just sit him down. Let him know what is on your mind and get some feedback from him on where he is at with things.

Let him know all the things that you have learned about yourself and how you visualize your future together. You know? Just a real talk. Write your thoughts down so you can cover the things that you want to.

Leave no stone unturned.

You are spot on. You must look at this through his eyes. Not until he decides to emotionally commit back to the M can you expect anything from him.

Spending time with him making LB deposits and showing him you are not going to hurt him again is the only way he can positive views of the future.

I say hold on if you can. Sure this is taxing on you. No matter how you slice this up, it is painful. Somehow you have to spend Positive time with him where you have Good feelings together !

Dr Harley's advice to you was to do at least 3 weeks, maybe MORE if you can. He said you were young and could possibly do a longer Plan A.