I hear you, NB. Thank you for your attempts.

Peter, what say you? Do you want to Plan B, or not? NB is committed to helping you, but I get the impression that you want to play games with your WW (we've seen this plenty of times before, with never a good end.) If you want to play games with your WW, let NB know that you aren't serious about being in Plan B and relieve her of her committment.

You are fiddling while Rome burns, sir. I already explained that you need to dictate your boundaries regarding contact with your WW. Your WW is going to try to play you - which she is now doing. Successfully, I might add.

Here's the bottom line: are YOU agreeable to using NB as an IM and truly being in Plan B? Because right now your posts indicate otherwise.

You can also tell your WW that all communication needs to go through IM's email or what about having WW's emails bounced to your IM (like it says in the IM training link)?

OK, so I will go one by one on the methods of communication as some people keep repeating the same things despite my explanations:

mobile phone: my wife is not calling or sending texts anylonger.

landline: she is not calling me on it anylonger. A week ago or so, she called and asked to speak to my daughter.

my daughter's mobile phone: my wife now texts her and calls her on her phone, usually to tell her when she wants the kids at her home but I stick to the schedule when taking them to my wife's house. I do not follow any instructions to take them when my wife says so.

my elder daughter: I have told her several times not to give me messages sent by my wife. Both are getting the idea now. I hope you do not come and suggest that I replace my elder daughter, like my mobile phone number ;-)

email: my wife does not send me e-mails anylonger. if I forwarded her emails (which she does not send) to the IM, my wife would not know about it as the IM does not have her contact details.

skype: I blocked her on skype but she was not using it anyhow.

notes: she still writes them but is resorting to this less and less as she has seen that she gets no response or results plus she does not even know if I read them.

cozi.com calendar: I have added the times for the girls during the week but not the week-ends. If I make changes, my wife gets notified by e-mail; she is also sent the schedule for the week by e-mail from the website.

It would be pointless to change mobile phone numbers, email address, block her etc as she can easily use my business contact methods but she does not do it.

The only other thing that could be done is to give my wife's contact details to the IM but I do not know about the 'invasion of her privacy'

BTW, I replied to every email and text from my wife in the past with the IM's email address and mobile number, just adding that my contact details are for emergencies only.

Now I'm confused. Earlier yesterday, you said this:
This is the post that prompted us to begin brainstorming ideas to help you keep a tight Plan B. Your most recent post makes it appear that the original post from earlier in the day is no longer correct. Which is it?

Bottom line: she can't contact you if you don't allow it. She will be forced to use your IM if that is the only way to get information back and forth. You need to be firm and unwavering about this.

There is no contradiction in what I said. I did say on my latest message that she still makes some shy attempts to send messages through the kids and that she still writes notes. The only thing that has not happened for a week or so is her sending texts.

I am saying that i think she would rather not communicate at all rather than using the IM and cozi. I still manage to get some messages through to her using the cozi site and they are only about times with the girls.

There is a marked difference between now and the time I was on plan A. Then, we were chatting all the time like at the best times of our marriage, we organised a number of family outings and many times I was having all my meals in the house plus I also used to stay until the girls bed time at times. I was in the house during the week-ends too. We were exchanging texts, e-mails and calls all the time. She even invited me to a small party with her friends. I was buying her things and gave her lifts everywhere (she does not drive).
Now I only see her walking in the street, as she is going to work when I am on my way to the house to look after the girls. That is all.

Are you describing the problem as your wanting to communicate with her? The problem is not about her trying to break Plan B.

The problem is not that she won't communicate with you using the IM and the calendar; the problem is that she is drifting towards not communicating with you at all. You don't like that. You want to communicate with her about the kids. You want her to respond to the messages you send the IM and via the calendar, and she has lost interest in you so much that she can't be bothered with your plans. She's the one who won't communicate with you, and you are ticked off about that.

Is that correct?

No

Okay. My apologies for misunderstanding.

This statement and a similar one earlier in the thread made me think that her lack of communication was the problem, rather than her trying to break Plan B.

I am saying I am into 2 weeks of plan B with two small children. There has to be some communication about parent 1 spotting that one kid has an ear infection and needs parent 2, who may not have noticed it, to take the kid to the doctor as parent 1 needs to go to work and the doctor times are within parent 2 times with the kids.
That kind of thing. There is no way around it.

On my part I need to let her know when i want the kids during the week-end.

I do not think that my wife is aware of a plan that she is trying to break. She will just say not to everything like a typical WW who has just been cut off from money supply, help and even chat.

The IM would get the message from parent 1 about an appointment and relay it (possible ear infection doctor appointment date/time) to parent 2 so they can take them.

Parent sends IM message about times on weekend you want to have the kids.

She would know that she is breaking a plan if you sent her a Plan B letter stating you are using an IM for all communication. Please post a copy of what letter you did give your wife so we can see how come she is oblivious to the situation.

It does appear that you are Plan C-ing which is not MB at all and is not going to give you any hope that either Plan A or Plan B would provide.

Plan C is what most couples do in their lives as their marriage falls apart and though you have every right to do it.....it is not recommended on this site (for well thought out and logical reasons).

peter, if you want people to understand your problem and give you help, I think you'll need to be more polite and respectful in your responses. I have tried to understand the problem that you came here describing in the past few days and failed. I didn't post here for my own amusement; I posted to try and help. I think you are inches away from ticking off your IM and not getting another on this board, and you are inches away from ruling out any more responses from me.

It seems from what you wrote here that problem is that you DO want her to respond to your communications. I fail to see what I said the first time that was wrong, given what you wrote here.

My response is that, in Plan B, you are refusing to have the other parent in your life. You have elected to live as a single parent (as Plan B advises) and you are living as you would do were you to divorce. That being so, you have no right to ask for help from your WW with any childcare issues that you are having, much less expect her to obey any request you make. I realised that your child being ill is not exactly a "childcare issue", but the part of it that involves needing someone to take time her to the doctor in your working hours IS such an issue.

What would you do if you were a genuine single parent, without the other parent around at all? Well, that is what you must do now. You ask for time off work to take the child to the doctor. It might not need to be a great deal of time off; I live in the UK and my local surgery offers appointments from 7AM until 6.30PM. Emergency drop-ins are from 8AM. They are open on Saturday morning too, and there is a locum service for evening and night-time emergencies. under the locum service, a doctor has visited my house late at night and written a prescription for the child. If I were really anxious I would take the child to the local A&E, open 24 hours.

From her point of view this is a monumental cheek and there is no reason why she should obey her estranged husband's demands for her to take the child to the doctor for an appointment he has arranged. He chose to cut her out of his life and for each to become a single parent; let him deal with the consequences of that and take time off himself. He chose to go down this path. That's what she may be thinking.

I know that as a mother, I wouldn't treat my own child like that and would be hot-footing it to the doctor, but then again, I have never chosen to make my kids suffer through my affair. I am not a wayward who has put her own interests above that of the kids. This wife is such. If this father in Plan B wants his kid to be treated by a doctor then he needs to deal with it himself. He can't expect his wife to agree that there even IS an ear infection.

I had not even heard of plan C. If this is couples at each other's throats, we know some couples doing this taking each other to court about everything and shouting "You'll be sorry". These couples do no have the slightest chance in hell of reconciliation after divorce (not that they want it). I am doing this with a Heart At Peace and have been doing so for the past few months.

My wife and I were probably on plan C until a few months ago when I changed all that after reading the Anatomy of Peace and started Plan A.

My PBL was not entitled: 'Plan B' but my wife may have read about plan A and B although I doubt she would bother to learn about these plans so that she could indentify them with us.

The IM was not mentioned in my PBL as I thought I would not be able to get one at the time. I told her about the IM a few days later after NB28 kindly offered her help.

It is intresting that people here assumed that I am parent 1, the one that goes out to work and that my wife is parent 2, who stays at home, being asked to take the kid to the doctor, because I am the man.

In fact I am parent 2, the stay at home one as I work for myself at home whereas my wife is parent 1, an employee, and she needs to go out to work every day.

The way I see this, we are going to end up in court in a 3 year battle over the kids under plan B. We managed to avoid it during plan A. I did speak to people about the potential problem with the kids under plan B.

Is there a guide for couples with small kids for plan B? but then again it would relate to the American law, if Dr Harley wrote it.

Have you written Dr. Harley?

I noticed you went to Plan B sooner than Dr. Harley advises for BH. Is there a reason you aren't in Plan A anymore?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question

You may end up in court regardless of Plan A or B.

I suspect, based on this post and previous ones, that you are not willing to follow Plan A OR Plan B.

I was in plan A for about 2 months. It worked well for me as I managed to cover most of the emotional needs where I had made love busters during our marriage: affection, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, domestic support and admiration. I also applied what I learned from the Anatomy of Peace. These things rubbed off on my wife. We got on well and she behaved like a wife at good times in our marriage (but there was no intimacy). She might have had an ulterior motive like getting money from me (I had cut off the finances from her) or getting me to accept the OM. During this time she kept in touch with the OM but did not see him, maybe once but she stopped staying away overnight. Things went well with the children on things like family outings. However, plan A did not manage to separate her from the other man or stop her divorce petition.

We are separated.

I made the decision that I would go to plan B if my wife saw the OM again and/or started to behave like a WW again. This happened about 4 weeks ago when she made up a usual excuse to go out with a female friend. I said that I had told her that I was not prepared to babysit for her to go and see the OM. She got very angry about my knowing she was lying and my refusal to help her with what she still thinks she is entitled to. She had to cause inconvenience to a couple friends of hers to look after the girls. So I spent a week making the final preparations for plan B, I wrote the PBL and delivered it to her.

I made the right decision of using a clear landmark (her going back to cheat) to make it clear to her why I went to plan B rather than just starting it with her not knowing exactly why. I made a clear reference to that day when she went away in my PBL. I had a hard time explaining to my elder daughter plan B after what she saw I did in plan A.