I am new to this site and methods, but am working my way through reading everything. I am liking the approach this far and plan to have my husband read it as well. Our present biggest conflict right now is that my husband spent a week lying to my face again and again. He had a dirt bike for about the past year that seemed to be fine. However, he recently started racing (on a very casual basis) and quickly discovered he wanted a faster bike with electric start. He asked me about it and I said no, since he would have double the money in it. We are looking at getting I to a different house, or if we stay in ours now, it needs several thousands in work. So we should be saving money, plus I have returned to college to advance my degree. (Something both of us want me to do.)
Anyway, I eventually told him that he had to sell his current bike first, then look for another, with the understanding that he would only have about $500 more in a different bike instead of several thousand. Long story short, he found a good deal before selling his and bought it. It took a week to sell his. In the mean time, his buddy kept it at his house. I became suspicious and discovered the money. I gave him several opportunities to come clean, without directly asking him. He kept weaving the lies. Finally he sold his and so I told him I was proud of him for taking my thoughts into consideration and selling his first and that I wanted to go with him to pick his new one up when he found it. I was still hoping he was telling the truth and I would feel like the heel as everything he said was completely plausible. He tried a ruse to get the bike without me there and I didn't budge. He knew he was done. So he came home and told me he had to come clean. Only instead, he continued to make up another lie fabricated by his friend and maintained the money was about half of what it was. I called him out on it and it took a couple moments of silence before he admitted it was that amount. Then it took me a couple mins to realize the rest of what he had just told me was also a lie. I lost it and told him I think I need to go away for awhile. He said he was sorry and I think he meant it. He said the bike isn't worth losing me and he will sell it. I talked to our friend later as well and he said my husband was a wreck and couldn't believe how much so, but not sure if I should believe him either! I am inclined to, but he helped lie and hide it.
Anyway, I know this isn't as big as infidelity, but this is the worst thing we have been through thus far in about 10 years together. I am devastated that he lied to me over and over and not sure what to do. He said he will go to counseling with me. I am calling to make that appointment tomorrow. I don't know if I should let him keep the bike or not. Or if that should even be up to me. He loves dirt biking and was in it big many years before he met me. I know it means a lot to him, but I told him my first reaction in the moment was to sell the bike and ride the four wheelers we have as a family with our son. To take a break from dirtbiking, which is a "him" activity that our son cannot do yet and I don't do. I haven't been able to bring myself to look at the bike yet and told him he cannot bring it onto our property yet. I told him I am terribly hurt and this will take time for me to work through. I am getting there, but slowly. We visited the friends today (several days after "d-day", lol, and I told him he was not allowed to go to the garage, for today we are pretending it doesn't exist and the three of us were going to visit our friends as a family. The guys were not disappearing off to the shop while the women watched the kids. He obliged. I am trying to find that fine line between "punishing" him and communicating my needs. Bleh!
My other option I considered was letting him keep the bike because maybe he needs the reminder. I told him that bike is forever tainted. So maybe he needs to look at it all the time. Not to punish him, just as a reminder of how hurtful this all was, that it isn't just about him and what he wants to do. That sounded mean too though. I am at a loss!
Thanks for any helpful advice. I know we have other things to work on and we will. But right now I feel like we need to come to an agreement about this wretched bike.

There are two basic concepts in MB that, together, handle this problem rather nicely. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. RH would have kept this situation from ever occurring. It's application is clear, so let's concentrate on POJA. While you made a good attempt at a POJA solution at the beginning, it sounds like he wasn't enthusiastic. Now, it sounds like you are considering unilateral decisions that ignore POJA. You and your husband need to seek a solution that you are both enthusiastic about. There is no place for punishing him, and there is no place for unilateral decisions. You should not "let" him do anything. You need to enthusiastically agree on the path forward.

Every decision under POJA has to be a joint enthusiastic agreement. So he cannot make you endure a purchase you don�t want, any more than you can 'tell' him he is visiting family (He has to enthusiastically agree to decisions as well as you do)

It also sounds like his pastime is huge competition for his loved ones' time. If as Dr Harley suggests you and he are spending 15 hours UA time, and 15 hours together as a family, there isn�t much time for people to do other stuff, so it makes no sense to spend huge sums on solo activities.

I'm a bit concerned about this tone in your post where he gets 'told' to do things and 'punished'. I imagine you are upset and exasperated after his deception (which is certainly a very big deal) but don�t let that make you take a disrespectful stance, or make you talk down to him.

All things which defy POJA must be undone. For example one time Dr Harley gave away some old belongings of Joyce's and he had to recover them because he hadn't checked with her.

Let him undo it, and start doing better. You were perfectly right to make it clear that you won't stay in a dishonest marriage where you don�t have an equal say. However if he can undo the mistake, don�t let that mistake sit around punishing him and tainting the mood of your marriage in future.

Make it clear that you want BOTH of you to have an equal say in all your future decisions. Once he's undone his mistake you will make new, honest decisions together in regards to all finances and activities.

...And friendships. A friend who actively discourages your H to lie, isn�t a friend to the marriage and isn�t a friendship I would enthusiastically agree to.

k80,
indiegirl nailed it. I second all of what she said and recommend you take her words to heart.

You and your husband will greatly benefit from reading Dr. Harley's material. Doing things "your way" (like most people do) is going to continue to lead to problems like this... and from an experienced perspective: the problems just get bigger and bigger and bigger.

Putting some time into re-formulating how you look at marriage NOW will be the best thing you ever did for yourself, your husband, and your family.

Keep posting. We tell it like we see it. There is a lot of material here and somewhat complicated concepts. We can help you both stay on track and learn/implement it quicker!

opt

Thanks for all the input.

I don't know if there is an option that we will both be "enthusiastic" about. I did forget one option. That I would get a dirt bike also and ride together more than he rides alone. We used to ride off road all the time together on four wheels, two might be a new fun twist. It will take some work on my end. I can ride and had a motorcycle in the past though, so it isn't an uncanny option. This will still leave our son out and require us to get a babysitter, which causes my husband to be a little less than enthusiastic about, but he leaves us both out altogether when he rides alone! My thought was we need more time together doing what we did "before child." It's not like we'll sacrifice a TON of time from our son. We RARELY do anything without him. It might be a good change that we need.

I read some of the POJA info to him this afternoon and he seemed receptive. I know I can work on things with that too. I am not enthusiastic about spending more money, but we can sell one of the ATVs to cover the cost of both. I can live with that and I know he is ok with it as we have discussed it in the past for other reasons. (Mainly bc they collect dust more than mud!)

Some very positive ideas and suggestions, Kris.

You might be interested to know that Dr Harley and Joyce spent more on babysitters than on their house payments. There are no lies in an integrated marriage where people feel so close they can't imagine lying to, or disregarding each other. Dr H's opinion is that without 15 hours UA time a couple become slowly distant, then the relationship is ultimately doomed. There is also the point that a divorce and running two households is a lot more expensive than any babysitter.

There are always cheaper babysitting options too. Can you swap sitter favours with friends? Look into youth groups and activities?

Dr H actively encourages spending a MINIMUM of 15 hours away from the kids. Its impossible to be in love if you are only parents when together.

I can't believe I am back here with this basic same situation again. I bought a dirt bike and we've ridden together some. It was like a band aid, though. Long story short, we were really great for awhile. We looked out for each other, made the effort to spend time together, and were talking about decisions and things we wanted to do, before doing them. Now, about a month later, I started to feel like he was getting "too comfortable" again, returning to his old self. I mentioned to him I felt distant again, and he said he didn't. I really wanted to say, because you are reverting to your selfish self that you are perfectly content with, and I'm naive enough to think we were working together on this. I didn't, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. However, he recently told me he was thinking of buying some gear that is several hundred dollars and basically, something he can't even use for at least a month, and maybe not even until next spring. It truly is something he does not NEED. My red flags went up and I went through his email and discovered he ALREADY bought the item the day before. So, he sat in front of my face again, pretending like he had not bought something, when he already did. When he discussed it with me, I gave him legitimate reasons why I thought it was unnecessary and he seemed to agree it was logical to not buy it. Now, the gear has arrived at the house (saw it stashed in a room I rarely go in) and he's said nothing. I'm so done. I want to ask for a divorce, but we have a kid, and I'm not sure I can do that either. This sounds so dumb, when I explained it to my closest friend, I felt so stupid. But he DECEIVED me, again. And SO soon! I feel nothing for him right now and don't even want to speak to him. I want to walk away and never look back, but I can't because of our child. I can't believe he would essentially lie to my face after all we went through and worked through last month. I have been waiting for him to say something to me, to admit that he already made the purchase, but I don't know when/if that will be, and I don't know if I can keep faking kindness. UGH!! Why do people DO these things to each other!!

You can't work through a conflict by avoiding the conflict.

You need to confront him. Complaints in a M are good. He needs to know that this behavior has drained your love for him. That you are contemplating a divorce.

Radical Honesty.