Even if you dont recover, Plan A and Plan B are just quite simply amazing for YOU and your healing. Check out my sig. I am happier than I could ever have dreamed right now. Plan B makes divorce hurt less.



You love him because you are human and the only cure for love is no contact and a period of withdrawal in Plan B (which DOES work, believe me)

The first few weeks of withdrawal in Plan B were torture for me. Although there was nothing loving or admirable about my H at the time I CRAVED the sound of his voice. I could anticipate his reactions and thoughts to everything that happened when he was gone. But over time it just.. goes away. Love cannot be starved and survive.

You are sick because fighting an A is tough. That's totally normal. For Betrayed Wives, Dr Harley says you should Plan A for no longer than three weeks and then get outta there. Plan B is for your protection.

If you are really feeling it make proper Plan B preparations NOW. Check out my sig for proper arrangements.

how are you doing Halie?

Hi, and thank you everyone for your replies. I took a few days away from the forum because nothing different was happening, and I needed time to process. A few days ago, I went to Patient First and was scripted Xanax for physiological symptoms to stress. I was pretty bad for a couple of days with shakes, panic, etc. Now, I only feel that way after a trigger, and apparently his texts (he's traveling, go figure) are now a triggers. Nighttime is the best time, and I have wonderful dreams. Waking up sucks.

I believe the OW is completely out of the picture now; although, I had some contact from FB asking me to renew my understanding of terms (Do I know it's a violation of terms to randomly friend people ((initial feeble attempt at exposure))). I suspect that at least one friends of hers made a complaint. I don't care. Obviously, FB is far less important than my marriage. The sister has stopped emailing me, but I wasn't in it for a new friendship, plus . . .

I attended a divorce seminar for women run by a family law practice specializing in representing women in divorce, and I learned so much. For example, my lawyer can subpoena his chat records directly from the cell phone company. Nice. I am entitled to half of all his retirement account gains for the duration of our marriage (and this is significant) and funds will be rolled over into my name without his involvement (yay!). His monthly military retirement income is considered marital property, meaning, it too is divided, although not in half. Although any court-awarded spousal support must be paid by him to me (spousal support as well as his monthly military retirement), I can pursue him just as diligently as one seeking child support from a dead-beat parent. Also, in VA at least, separation agreements are not our friends because nothing prevents full disclosure of assets, and any hidden assets may no nonrecoverable. Instead, I'll make a charge of adultery directly to the court, and because the courts are backed up about a year, I'll still have health benefits until the final hearing. Of course, that's just the good stuff in a nut shell.

So I've given him until my appointment with my lawyer to take conciliatory acts; although, I don't want to be married to him anymore. I now see that he has emotionally abused me for years, through extensive military deployments, now extensive travel, the porn addiction that took him out of bed our entire marriage, the psychological abandonment over the last two years, the unsafe sex, the blaming of me for every problem in the marriage (failure to attempt to work out problems). It's just too much.

I've said goodbye. He actually got in bed to sleep the night before he departed on this trip, and when I realized he was there, I turned towards him, tucked my head into his back and neck and cried while whispering goodbye to him. Then I played the song I'd found that put everything into words so well, James Blunt's Goodbye My Lover. I played it, then I got out of bed and went to the divorce seminar (above). This allowed me to say goodbye, not to this philanderer he has become but to the husband I thought he was.

Now, I'm home for 3 weeks without him, and I'm taking this time to copy all of our vital records, which I'm storing at a friend's house. I have to figure out how I'm going to come up with funds for a legal retainer, but in the long run, I have much more money waiting for me in retirement funds, funds that I'll need to care for me when I'm older and that will continue to grow. This is the time to be strong and take care of myself.

And so, yes, it's on to plan B. Thank you for all your support, and I will still check in regularly to try to learn from each of you amazing people. I truly appreciate everything you've said here and all your guidance.

Halie

Halie,

Plan B and divorce are not necessarily the same thing.
Have you read about Plan B?
Have you drafted a Plan B letter?
Do you have someone willing to act as an intermediary in plan B?

I also must add that my situation is unique in that I don't plan to stay in this home for Plan B, and I don't care to continue asking him to come around from the affair. I expect that my lawyer will by my IM. I also expect that a pendent lite hearing will award me temporary support that I will use to provide for me during the period we wait for a final hearing. This will allow me to begin my new life faster. We don't have children, just pets, and I'm having to rehome 3 beloved dogs (he can deal with our feral cat). I returned one beautiful dog to the adoption agency yesterday after a year of her being part of our family. The collar I kept is now a trigger.

I now have a new job, I'm planning to wrap up my MA in the next year, and I'm going to move into a rental for a year to begin fresh. This is the plan anyway. Now I just need to recover my body because it is dragging from a depression that my mind refuses to bow to.

Halie

Jedi, No, not yet. I will draft some sort of a letter to him the day I file the complaint with the court.

Halie

Halie I sent my ex wife a modified Plan B letter 10 minutes after divorce!
I have children so I needed to include some info in the letter.
But your door should be very easy to close.

I've been divorced for a year and I can tell you that life does go on and get a LOT better. In fact I'm I'm bankruptcy and foreclosure and feel GOOD! And in control of my life!

During my ex wife's affair I became physically exhausted and reached a point where I knew I couldnt go on. I had to surrender her to God and take care of myself and my kids.

We are here for you anytime you need to talk.

With no kids, using your atty as an IM is a fine idea, as long as you're serious about staying dark. For your own health and sanity, you still need to be dark, even during and after a D.

If you have no desire to R, you still send a Plan B letter, but it simply tells him that you will have no further contact with him due to the pain his adultery has caused you. It doesn't outline any plan for R, or steps to come home, just tells him to only contact you through IM (in your case, the atty). Still change your cell #, email, and all other contact info so he can't get through.

Sounds like filing for D is a much stronger option than a LS. If, at some point, you begin to have doubts, you have the option of allowing it to drag on. The initial filing is the important part, to protect you and the assets you still have from the time of your M.

I hope you do stick around and keep posting, before/during/after your D process. You'll gain a great deal from the experience, and be an inspiration to others with your success. And you will succeed!

You will feel much better when NC is in place.

I dont blame you for not considering reconcilliation. With no children and such a history - there's no point.

Dr Harley says all Ms CAN be recovered, but that doesn't mean they all should.

Unless there is a compelling reason to save the M, Dr Harley says to ask the question: "What's good for you right now?"