Coming up on a year since D-Day 2. Thought I would use this space to share the journey / vent / ask questions / get support (incl. 2 X 4's as necessary.)

VENT: Recovery is a B-Itch!!!

We are enrolled in the online course. Working on eliminating DJ's, which had been our biggest LB on the abuse continuum. We have both had a big reduction in these, but I still struggle with trying to educate Taffy; assuming I know his emotions without his input; sharp-tongued responses when I feel threatened or ignored. I can actually feel myself disrespecting him in my mind. But I am better at holding my tongue now. Our goal is total elimination by September.

Then we can focus on EN-meeting.

I am having big trouble managing triggers, especially lately. I really feel like I am battling these all on my own. I can't discuss w/ Taffy, as that would be bringing up the A. And he says he is dealing with his own triggers... various reminders of the Dolly. So I really feel that I am out in the weeds here.

And Taffy does seem to insensitive to my triggers. For example, we recently had to make a trip to the city where the A took place. Taffy was in charge of booking the plane tickets. His were through his company, mine were on our points. He was unble to get us on the same flights, even flying on the same day. Net result, he spent a night in the A city, alone, before I got there. When I expressed my concerns, he said I was being unreasonable, and to just use my trigger-management techniques, like he does. My problem is that I feel this is a lack of support from Taffy, and my reaction is to shore up my inner walls, which is a form of withdrawal. I am left alone to deal with the trigger, AND I am more withdrawn.

Tomorrow is our 17-year wedding anniversary. Last year, Taffy was in the A-city, working, while I was at our new home, 2500 miles away. At that time, we were in false recovery. I REALLY wanted to spend our anniversary together, and suggested a way for Taffy to fly here, just for the night. The plan would involve much driving, planning and sacrifice on my part, but I felt it was important. Taffy said he thought it was too much sacrifice for me. I later learned he actually had a dirty weekend set up with the Dolly instead. Big ouch...

So this year, I am really triggering...but I can't talk to Taffy about it because that would be bringing up the A...

Bit of a dilemma...

At this point, Taffy's account in my LB$ hasn't moved in months... I am feeling discouraged, and he is frustrated.

So sorry catwit about your struggle. Have you thought about posting to Dr. Harley on the private forum?

I'm sure the night apart was a huge struggle and now you're coming up on the year anniversary.

Yes it's true you shouldn't bring up the affair. Dr. Harley states that if there is still resentment into recovery something hasn't been resolved.

Do you have a code phrase or word that tells Taffy you're struggling without bringing up the affair? For example, "I'm having a tough time today" and then he knows to give you a hug or whatever it is you need?

Has he been meeting your ENs?

Catwhit,

With the LB still hurting your relationship, it's not surprising that you would not yet be in love with your H. It sounds like you haven't started yet working on meeting each other's most important ENs, because you're working on eliminating the DJ's. So every time a DJ occurs, more love units are drained away, and very few love units are incoming.

Can you practice over and over to yourself to say, "It bothers me when...." when something about your H bothers you.

Do

And "How would you feel about...." when you would like your H's help with something.

The hard work is in the building of new habits.

I don't want to hand out 2X4's but that business of him being overnight in the city of A without you is a big problem. You and he should be spending every single night together. And this one night, in THAT particular city, was spent apart, resulting in a huge trigger for you. And for your H.

My H has to travel occasionally for business as well, and in order to avoid the problem of traveling separately, we ask the company to make the travel arrangements, and we then pay for ours up front- both his AND mine. This is sometimes a big personal financial hit that takes a while for reimbursement, but there simply is no other way we want to do it. We absolutely made it a rule that, regardless of the cost or inconvenience to me as the extra traveler, we would go together.

I would have had an incredibly hard time dealing with my H going to any city, much less the city of the A, on his own.

Are you getting in your 15 plus hours of UA time each week? Are they the most enjoyable hours of your week?

Hi Brainy;

Yes I have been using the Private Forum when I have a specific question for Dr. Harley. It is a tremendous resource.

Our accountability coach advised us that it is Dr. Harley's format to focus on ending LB's first, in order to patch the gaping holes in our love banks, so that when we meet EN's, the banks can fill without draining away. DJ's being our worst offence, thus our focus. So we haven't worked much on each other's specific EN's yet.

Taffy reminds me that not only is it his responsibility to become expert at delivering my EN's, but it is also my responsibility to coach him in how I want them met. I struggle with the line between educating him (DJ) and respectful requests. So I haven't done a great job of coaching him yet, with predictable results.

Today he told me he is frustrated that I haven't flipped over the romantic love threshold yet. He wonders if it will EVER happen, and doesn't want to be in this same place in 20 years. (Me, neither!!)

So, today, we are struggling a bit.

Even UA time has slipped. We used to get 25 to 30 hours weekly. Lately, we sometimes dip below 15, again with predictable results.

We live in a very rural area, which tests our creativity for UA dates. Last night we went to the local cinema, and it was closed for some reason. We just couldn't find anything else in town we wanted to do, from very limited selection, especially since we were date-dressed. So we often do our dates at home, not ideal, for certain. When we do go out, it is nearly impossible to avoid friends.

Tomorrow night's date is going to be an overnight on our sailboat, to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower from the cockpit...

Thanks, LongWay...
Your post is really helpful for me. I will re-focus on practicing the "It bothers me when..." and "How would you feel about...?" phrases.

UA was at 25 - 30 hours. Lately it is more like 15-18, sometimes dipping below 15. I really notice the difference. We have to keep re-committing to being diligent. We are actually pretty good about planning the hours, but sometimes we are tired on the specific date time, or just retreat to our "corners" instead of interacting much. That's when we fall below the 15 hours. Only recently has Taffy been involved in keeping track, or scheduling.

Taffy was unconcerned about being away from me, overnight, in the A city. He says he never triggers any more, and suggested he thinks I should be over it now, too, since it has been nearly a year. To me, that just shows that he doesn't understand the depth of the injury to me. Or he is "rug-sweeping." However, I can't bring it up, so I am kinda stuck with it.

On the other hand, I DON'T want to dwell in the past...So I try to 1/ Change my focus, and 2/ make new positive memories associated with the trigger. And good practice for squelching my own LB's.

Recovery takes about two years, at the least, and that's with both partners on board.

I think I started to fall in love again within the first year, but the pain remained pretty fresh and raw for a while. And if a trigger occurred, it felt D-Day was just yesterday.

At two years, things were much better.

Recovery is individual and depends on how much there is to "get over," as how well each person eliminates the LBs and meets ENs, how much great UA time you and your H, and if POJA and PORH are part of the marriage.

Long Way:

Thanks, again, for your post. The timeline, and your experience, are very encouraging to me. I will re-read your story.

For me, I think the False Recovery punched a hole in my ability to recover this time. Every time I start to feel closer toTaffy, my mind reminds me of the last time I thought we were recovering. So those feelings themselves are a trigger, in a way. However, you remind me of the (general) two year timeline... and that gives me hope. My verification is much more stringent nowadays, and Taffy is "on board" the bus, though I would say I still drive, for the most part.

Have you seen this thread:

Are you surprised you still feel traumatized as you approach the 2-year mark?

No, I hadn't seen that one. Thanks, FTF!

Great idea, Brainy. Don't have a code phrase right now, but will put one in place... Thanks!

You can change this overnight things and visiting affair places through POJA. How on earth was he able to stay there at the first place when you both know about POJA? Did you agree to the idea? Why?
When you say yes to the idea that really bothers you, you are not using POJA. Your NO whipes this bad idea off the table.
I remember we were like 2+ yrs into recovery and we both came to the idea to visit the country where my affair took place, our "reasoning" was to claim the place back. Stupid-stupid idea. Luckily, we dropped it, because my H would have been hurt with triggers and I would feel very uncomfortable to go there again. No person is strong enough not to remember, and your H's talk about how he is not triggering anymore, is just not true, the place still reminds him of all that had happened.

I could have written this myself! I completely understand your frame of mind. My FR was worse than the A itself....much worse.

Reading your comments reminds me of where I was about 2 months ago (and hope to keep that in the rearview mirror!). Although I still have moments in which the entire ordeal sweeps over me, at 1 year and 7mo's into R, we are seeing improvements.

One technique that has really helped me is consciously staying in the 'now'. What I mean is that I don't even like to talk about what happened a month ago, let alone 3 years ago. In fact, I have even shared this with my family. Typically, when someone brings up the past, I immediately change the subject.

By keeping my Eyes on Today and planning for things tomorrow, I am able to keep past memories coming to the front of my mind in check.

How much IC are you getting with your H? I notice a big difference in my ability to stay in 'today' when we can share thoughts, feelings, plans for the future and how we feel about each other.

Also, we have been ramping up or focus on becoming experts in each others EN's. This is also helping to direct us forward.

This is just great advice. REALLY embracing the POJA has had amazing impact on our R.

Do you feel that you are both using it along with the PORH?

Hi Mrs_Recon;
Taffy says he has very little memory of his A. Says it all seems like a bad dream now. On our wedding anniversary dinner date, he wanted to reminisce about past anniversaries, where we were at each one. I was aghast, because he didn't even recall that last year we were not together, because he had a hotel date w/ the Dolly instead. Said he really did not remember. This seems amazing to me, because it is seared in my memory.

But maybe, if he truly doesn't remember A details, he isn't triggered. Wish I was so lucky.
However, his lack of memory might be why he thinks I should be farther down recovery lane than I am. And why it is hard for him to fathom my triggers.

I agree that we SHOULD have POJA'd the different flight dates. I wasn't even aware of the situation until a day before departure, but also, it really didn't occur to me that it might be a trigger for me. My reaction escalated once I triggered.

Thanks, 20Year;
I appreciate the advice from your perspective "further down the road".

Our IC is kinda shakey. It is one reason why our UA has fallen off; we just don't seem to have much to talk to each other about. We can easily spend hours together side-by-side, on our respective iPads. Nasty habit, but one we need to correct. I liked the recent post on ideas/suggestion for IC topics, and we will incorporate that.

We will be going over our EN questionnaires this weekend. Time to get more focused.

Question:

How do people here get in UA time when you have houseguests?

This summer/autumn has been full of visitors for us. I am the chief cook and bottle washer, with more heaped on me when we have visitors. Taffy works from home so disappears into the office often. When we don't have guests, we get our UA time in on week nights. But with guests, our UA really suffers. We can often get an hour in the hot tub each mornings, but that is about it.

Living in a remote area, UA time out of the house is next to impossible. If we go to one of the caf�s or the only restaurant in the local town, we won't be alone since we know many of our neighbours. In the summer, we can get out on our sailboat, if the weather is fair. Taffy likes moto riding, but that doesn't count as UA time. There are no gyms near by, so working out together is out. I love going hiking, and Taffy says he does too, but somehow we never get out if a hike is scheduled.

UA time is hard enough for us, without the added challenge of what to do when we have house guests.

Suggestions?

I think the obvious answer is don't have so many house guests if it interferes with getting you UA time in.

It sounds like you are making the mistake of scheduling UA time around all of the other things in your life instead of the other way around.

Can you send your guests on the hiking trails and other excursions for them to enjoy while you get some UA time?

You and your H could wash the dishes together while the guests are encouraged to take a walk or relax with the tv.

If you ride two-up with your H on the motorcycle, that is considered both RC and affection and can be classified as UA time. Dr. Harley says this is a very romantic activity to do together.

We don't really care to have house guests unless they are willing and able to get out of the house a bit on their own, leaving us to our happy devices now and then. When we MUST have them, we try to get to our bedroom earlier than usual and sneak in a glass of wine and some private time. Or we'll say we absolutely MUST get out for a walk. We walk really fast and hardly anyone can keep up.

You and H could linger a bit in bed, encouraging house guests to get breakfast on their own, if they're up earlier than you.

Since you have hiking in your area, you and your H could rise early and go out on your own together to get some UA time.

Finally, you could also simply state to most or all visitors, depending on who they are, that they can stay for some period of say 3 - 4 days, and leave several-day break between guests. And graciously enforce it.

Yup, FTF, you're right. However, I am not sure how to overcome this.

In fact, though we have a standard scheduling meeting on the books each week, if I don't police it, it doesn't happen. And since I dislike the police role, I avoid it. We have discussed changing the scheduling meeting, and, in fact, changed it a few times, we still rarely have it, but generally just catch up on the fly.

Taffy is very sensitive to feeling like he is "doing MB wrong", or not doing enough. So even my lighthearted cajoling attempts irk him. But the truth is, I often DO feel like he is doing it wrong, or insufficiently. Which, I can't express because that's a DJ.

We haven't gotten to the place yet where our UA is much fun. Not unpleasant, just not that fun. So it feels like a sacrifice to schedule it, especially when we could be doing more "necessary, productive" things.

We have a THREE DAY visit limit! That way we get in our UA time and don't tire of our company.

My suggestion would be to schedule your time FIRST and then schedule houseguest time.