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I understand what you are saying, but I think he needs to recognize that his personal desire to work in missions poses an unacceptable risk to his family and whatever church he attends. It's as if I had been trying to practice medicine--be advised that I have no medical training whatsoever--and had seriously harmed several people as a result. The solution wouldn't be to make me stop "practicing medicine" for 2 years; it would be to make me stop it altogether. If I were truly remorseful for the harm I'd caused, I wouldn't even consider engaging in that behavior in the future.
Moreover, couples can POJA activities which are harmful to their marriage, and applying POJA to a risky activity won't make it less risky. If EPs are designed to eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible, then his ability to do this activity should be eliminated. Do you see where I'm coming from? Yes, I do. However, all Christians are expected to do the Lord's work, and it is very much an exercise in POJA for a married couple to figure out how they are going to fulfill that requirement. Much of the problem here is in agreeing on precisely what is meant by "ministry". If, by that, we are talking about some kind of self-gratifying experience, then you are precisely correct. There is really no place for that. Yet, ministry does not need to be grandiose. My autistic son and I go to the church every Friday and fold the bulletins. That's a ministry, one which he really likes doing. This couple should be doing nothing (not even folding bulletins) but concentrating totally on recovering their marriage. Once they have recovered, then whatever church work they engage in needs to satisfy POJA. I, too, believe that self-gratification has no place in church work. The Lord commissions us to serve, not to be served.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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L2C, I'd advise that you not let your attention wander or be drawn over the horizon to what mininstry or form(s) of service will be part of your life 2, 3, or 10 years hence, nor in wasting time pondering or debating what that might look like. There'll be time for that -- some other time. For you to do so at present would constitute a loss of focus -- and that's a luxury you, your wife & your family can't afford.
When someone is trying to land a jet in a storm, he or she had better focus on landing the darned jet, not on what kind of punch they might be serving in the flight crew lounge tomorrow evening. That immediate task, if you will, is your mission right now, and your commission, for the forseeable future. It's not a detour from some longer-term path; rather, it is your longer-term path -- until you & FF are someday at a point where you're in a recovered marriage that is better than what you've had in your marriage prior to this mess of the last couple of years.
In my previous post on this thread, I mentioned the need for a set of specific actions. What actions will you be taking? What's your list of actions? This is not a mere rhetorical question; it is a practical direction for you.
I'll be looking forward to your answers, as well as any questions you might have. Please focus on this.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Not yet. I will confer with FF about doing so. You don't need to confer. Post to him right now. Yep. Just exposure yourself and ask for help. Have you done this yet?
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I'm still here. More later but for now here is a brief update:
- Poly is today
- NC letter written; FF said she will mail it to OW
- Enthusiastic agreement to find new church
- I commit that whatever church we end up at I will refrain from serving
- I commit that I will focus on FF and our children--on being a better husband and father than I have been
- I will respond to your questions and counsel this weekend (thank you)
- I will write to Dr. Harley this weekend
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I see in FF's �things I never thought of� thread that she mentioned I recommended several questions for my poly. I regret that it appears I have tried to muddy the waters or dilute the test.
I suggested in addition to verifying I have had no physical relations of any kind with OW that FF also ask:
- Have I had any contact or communication of any kind with OW since 5 August
- Do I have any secret means of contacting OW that I intend to use or might be tempted to use in the future
- Do I have any secret plans for any kind of future with OW
These are questions for which I wish I'd had the truth when I was the BS. My motivation was to help us get the most we can out of today's poly toward building trust--toward giving FF the added assurance that the answers to all of the above questions are �no.�
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I see in FF's �things I never thought of� thread that she mentioned I recommended several questions for my poly. I regret that it appears I have tried to muddy the waters or dilute the test.
I suggested in addition to verifying I have had no physical relations of any kind with OW that FF also ask:
- Have I had any contact or communication of any kind with OW since 5 August Your BW told us that you met with OW and her husband on Aug. 11.
- Do I have any secret means of contacting OW that I intend to use or might be tempted to use in the future A polygraph can only test your memory of something that occurred in the past. A polygraph cannot verify your feelings or intentions, so that is not a legitimate polygraph test question.
- Do I have any secret plans for any kind of future with OW Again, that is not a legit polygraph test question. A polygraph cannot verify your plans for the future; it can only determine whether you are being honest regarding your memory of something that occurred in the past.
These are questions for which I wish I'd had the truth when I was the BS. My motivation was to help us get the most we can out of today's poly toward building trust--toward giving FF the added assurance that the answers to all of the above questions are �no.�
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- I will write to Dr. Harley this weekend Why the delay? Why not today? Suggestion: do it today.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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