Married 23 years. 4 months ago, discovered a several year ongoing emotional email/telephone/skype affair with the girlfriend from high school. This is after multiple transgressions over the years ranging in severity from sex with multiple people during our dating, to chat rooms/phone sex, to inappropriate flirtations with umpteen women/past girlfriends and messing around and having smaller emotional affairs with women he worked with. In addition, we have endured severe financial hardship our entire marriage due to business ventures he would undertake without my approval or support and our family has suffered greatly because of this.
I'm not perfect, either. I cheated on him 18 years ago in reaction to his criticism, anger, unhappiness. I honestly believed he did not love me, confused as to why he wanted to marry me in the first place, as he never seemed content with me as soon as we married. The guilt over my mistake made me feel indebted to him. I resolved to endure the emotional and financial hardships and be patient with him and help him grow as a human being. I didn't think it was ok to be mistreated, just that I would be dedicated to healing and growth no matter what.
I think, in hindsight, my patience and determination, without him understanding where I was coming from, only made it worse. I realize now that I have been harboring an enormous amount of animosity and resentment towards him. He thought all these years that I had always been faithful, supportive and long-suffering, and he still cheated and excluded me from his life emotionally. What kind of reward is that?
When I found out that he was sharing emotional feelings with this past girlfriend, telling her that he had never let her go in his heart, I just gave up inside. It made no sense to me because we had always been open about our past relationships, and this particular girl had never been on the �serious� list. I felt like he was even lying to HER just so he could enjoy her infatuation with him.
I told him that I wanted a divorce, that I was tired and defeated and I would rather struggle to support myself and break my kid�s hearts with the truth than go on living this way with him, always feeling like he�s disappointed, always feeling like I have to try harder.
I am totally open to admitting the role I have played over the years that contributed to my husband's behavior, but I truly feel that he has deeper issues that have nothing to do with me at all. I have told him about my infidelity. He WILL talk about all the past with me, but he doesn�t really want to. He feels it only makes it worse by focusing on things that can�t be changed and just wants to look forward and create a better relationship with a clean slate.
He has been doing everything "right" to try to reconcile, he has been very receptive to the concepts here and in the book, totally applying them, totally being patient with me when I'm having a meltdown. I have been a lunatic basket-case. I believed he would accept my proposal for divorce and we would go our separate ways, and I had mentally coped with all of this. I did not expect tenderness, sorrow, effort. He has spent HUGE amounts of time with me and expresses more love than I have ever felt from him, but as soon as I start to feel close to him, I pull back.
My problem is that I feel I am done with this relationship. I love him very much, but if we didn�t have children, I would not stay with him. No matter how nice and considerate he is, I simply don�t believe in his capacity to really love me. How can I say I don�t want to work with him and destroy my family when he is willing to try so hard? This isn�t about forgiving him anymore--I just feel so empty and I find myself wishing he would just be the way he�s always been so that my decision would be more obvious. I want so much to love him and believe in him the way I have in the past, but it just isn�t happening. I�m afraid this may be permanent but would like to hear anything that could change my heart. Thank you for reading and posting your thoughts.

Hi da2, welcome to Marriage Builders. Many of us have been in your shoes and are now in passionate, romantic, intimate marriages. We can help you have the same thing if you stick with this. You have only been at this for 4 months, which is way too soon to expect to see change.

Hs your husband given you all the facts about his affairs? Has he affair proofed your marriage? Cut off all contact with his OW? Exposed his affairs to family, friends, and concerned parties?

What exactly triggers these meltdowns?

Is his OW married, and if so, have you informed her husband?

Hi Melody, thanks for responding. Yes, to all your questions, except the exposure part. She is divorced, and we have not told family or friends. I have confronted and talked with her. I'm not convinced that exposing all of our problems to family, kids, friends is really necessary, but will do so if I decide that it is.

My 'meltdowns' come because I am tired of being rejected and the fear is so thick. I start to feel close to him, then I get angry at myself and I pull away. It's not just him either. I feel myself pulling away from everyone, including my friends, family, my kids...even the pets. I feel like I'm spiralling and, even though I can see it, it's hard to use logic to snap out of it.

It all just seems so pointless. When he cheated or did something inappropriate before, he would show remorse and I would believe him. I don't expect people to be perfect, I just expect that they will care enough to learn from their mistakes and not hurt me over and over again. During this time period while he was communicating intimately with her, he had lost his job and we were under serious financial duress. For the first time in our adult lives, we had to ask family to help support us. I know that was very difficult for him, but between us, I felt stronger and closer than I ever had before. The crisis, I thought, had brought out our strength. And our intimacy has suffered to be sure, over all the years. I could almost understand if he had been having physical outlets, but to have an �emotional� attachment to someone else is really my tipping point.
So now, I just look at this horrendous obstacle and I just don't feel up to the challenge sometimes. It feels that anything he tries to do is just too late for me to receive it.
I don't want to torture him. I've asked him why it's different this time. He says it is cowardly, but he never thought he would lose me. He knew I would be angry, but now he says he's really afraid that we will break up and he doesn't want that. Instead of making me feel loved, it makes me feel abused. Instead of making me feel secure in the future, it makes me feel like the only way to be respected and treasured is to hold myself a little out of reach and I can't live that way, so it makes the future look unstable.

This is the key, da2. He has to be able to demonstrate that it is different this time by making a radical change in his lifestyle. Otherwise it is not different. Most waywards know how to demonstrate "remorse" and cry huge crocodile tears when it will get them out of trouble, but it is meaningless.

What is meaningful is a radical lifestyle change that will make it impossible for him to cheat again. For example, has he ended all opposite sex friendships? Has he deleted any social networking? Eliminated any over night travel? What is the radical change in his lifestyle that will ENSURE you are protected in the future?

I would also expose his affairs to your children, family and friends. Everyone should know. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. You need the support of your family and friends. And your children need to know he almost threw away their family for a big fat nothing. NOBODY benefits from keeping this a secret, nobody.

Thank you for your input. I will consider your advice regarding exposure. We have discussed explaining this to our kids, who are all teenagers. My husband was open to it, however, we both ultimately felt that we were too unstable with each other to add the emotional turmoil that they will undoubtedly experience. This isn't a 'secret,' but I do want to be careful. I don't feel that I can provide support for them right now, and it seems selfish to drop a bomb on them and not be there to provide ANY type of reassurance or comfort. I will think about it, nonetheless.

I appreciate all your feedback. To be clear: he HAS demonstrated a radical change in his lifestyle. I agree that it has to be meaningful.

That is exactly my issue: He's doing everything he is "supposed" to do, and I am still unable to receive it. "His Needs, Her Needs" was so good to break it down into tangible actions that one can take to strengthen the marriage, and elsewhere on this site there is information that explains 'withdrawal.'

When I read the explanation of that, I felt like someone had put words to the chaos I have been experiencing. I am not used to being so crazy. While it identified the state of mind I was in, it didn't really offer anything to explain what has to happen to come out of it. We will continue to follow the advice in the book, but I was hoping that a new perspective might help me to be more receptive and more able to cope on a daily basis.

da2, the purpose of telling them is so they can support you and your husband. This is something that affects their family in a very great way. Your kids will find out eventually, and they need to hear it from you personally. Given that he has such a checkered past, it is likely they already have seen or heard some things. They need their parents to put it into context for them. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with secrets. Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about this:




And what are those changes EXACTLY? And I don't include "remorse." All cheaters show remorse. Can you be very specific? What proof do you have he is not cheating?


Right. Because it is too soon to expect that. First he has to stop the loss of love units. After that, it takes time to fill the love bank again.


Have you got to the part about undivided attention yet? It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20-25 to CREATE. That is the ingredient that makes this program work. You need to be spending 20-25 hours per week of undivided attention together meeting the intimate emotional needs of SF, conversation, recreational companionship and affection. Are you doing this? The Policy of Undivided Attention

I agree, 'remorse' is empty. Especially when someone demonstrates that their remorse has not previously been compelling enough to bring about change.

I started to compose a list of all the things he's done to show his dedication and it was just too long. Please believe me when I tell you - he's doing all the major factors regarding discontinuation of contact, transparency,...etc. and all that I ask and even things I haven't asked for.

What I'm hearing from you is that, as long as he makes these radical efforts, and as long as we keep doing the things to make sure we are meeting each other's emotional needs, then eventually I will have a return of interest in the relationship? Is that where you are going with this?

I wish the answer was something different than that.

You should first concentrate on stopping each other's love busters. If lovebusters are present then you will continue to empty the love bank and/or make the balance more negative. Stop the bleeding first.

Then after this meeting each others needs with the appropriate UA time will get the result you are discussing.

I woold expect to see things like: elimination of all opposite sex friendships, no more overnigts apart, elimination of social networking, complete and full access to all his email accounts, voicemails, etc.

Additionally, I would put a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his cell phone. That will create a massive amount of trust in your marriage.


Yes, exactly. You can fall back in love with him.


Do you want to be in love with him? That CAN happen, but that choice is up to you. You are not obligated to stay with him. That is your choice.

"I woold expect to see things like: elimination of all opposite sex friendships, no more overnigts apart, elimination of social networking, complete and full access to all his email accounts, voicemails, etc."

Yes. All those things have happened. He's done all those things.

"Do you want to be in love with him? That CAN happen, but that choice is up to you. You are not obligated to stay with him. That is your choice."

Right. That's kinda where I started. I don't want to be with him anymore AND I don't want to split up my family. These two cannot exist together. So my only choice is to change my perspective and try to love him and be happy with him.

"You should first concentrate on stopping each other's love busters. If lovebusters are present then you will continue to empty the love bank and/or make the balance more negative. Stop the bleeding first.

Then after this meeting each others needs with the appropriate UA time will get the result you are discussing."

I have been going through the motions, sometimes feeling close to him and hopeful, and sometimes feeling distant and defeated. I don't like it when my efforts don't feel genuine in my heart. If people who have been there before me can say that they have overcome this and have indeed fallen in love again, then I will have to trust the process and keep going.

Thank you, both of you, for your support.

Yes, those of us who chose to save our marriages have overcome this. When you try anything new it will feel awkward and not "genuine" at first. You and your H are like strangers, you have to learn to be with each other again. If you will be diligent about this, you will find your feelings coming back.

Can you take off for a romantic vacation? That would be a great launch for your new marriage.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

da2, I want to make clear that the goal is not just a return of interest, but a return of romance and passion. That is what we can help you achieve.