Hi,

I am new to this forum. I have been reading the posts here for a few weeks. Many of the posts have been very helpful. I am not a good writer but I will do my best to explain my situation. Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated. I hope this is not too long. This is the first time I've posted on a forum.

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. We have one child who is 17 yrs. of age. Our marriage has been good for the last 15 years. My husband has always been very busy outside of the home coaching youth. The coaching position took him away from home many nights and weekends. As a family we adjusted to this schedule and went on many trips with the team.

I was always a little envious of the time that he gave to the team, parents, kids, etc. I wanted our son and I to be a little more of a priority. Finally I surrendered to the fact that this was very important to him and probably wouldn't change.

A few years ago my husband was involved in an accident and was in rehab for many months. After his accident it was difficult to be intimate and unfortunately for many years after. We kind of drifted in the intimacy department. It was very sad and heartbreaking.

During this time I began seeing a counselor and we discussed the problems in the marriage. My counselor and I thought we should consider marriage counseling with him. I asked my husband to come but he said he was not comfortable discussing it with him.

I decided I thought I might get another counselor. Fortunately, I found a fantastic counselor and have been doing intensive individual counseling. Thank goodness for her!
I told my husband how helpful she was.

In the meantime (in early May)my husband told me that he found his old female friend on facebook and that they chatted. He said her husband was very jealous so he probably wasn't going to continue chatting with her on facebook. At first it didn't dawn on me what was happening.

Later that month we decided to go to marriage counseling together. The subject of his female friend came up. The counselor told him that it was not a good idea to have a relationship out of the marriage if he was going to give 100% to our marriage. He agreed.

Fast forward a few weeks. We had our 19th wedding anniversary. We had a nice night and were intimate. It was a breath of fresh air. I knew we had a lot to work on but it was a start.

Weeks went by and I noticed him drifting and not being present. We had another counseling session and discussed the no contact with this friend. He said he wasn't clear the first time about no contact. He said they were just friends and it was "no big deal." He told her this time he was clear and wouldn't be in contact with her. I was hopeful.

In the meantime there was a change in plans for the summer. He needed to go help a family member. The family member lives in the same town as his friend. He came home that afternoon and said he needed to get away and would be gone for a few months. I was in complete shock. This came out of the blue. He must have packed that night and was gone the next day. I was completely devastated.

During this time that he was gone we texted here and there. Things about our child, etc. He was enjoying his space and not really missing us. He said he felt guilty but he liked being alone. At this time I realized I better start reading about what was going on. I read lots of articles on mid life crisis in men. It almost fit him to a tee.

I continued a few counseling sessions at this time. I would have liked to go more often but my counselor was out of town for 3 weeks. My world was turned upside down. Unfortunately I do not have a support system in my family so I've been dealing with this on my own. I have one really close friend that I can trust.

In late July I received a text from him saying that he had lunch with his friend. He said it was very awkward and weird and probably shouldn't have happened. He said it was very clear that their bond was better left in the past and it was done. As you can imagine I was very disappointed.

I met with my counselor and we discussed the situation. It was clear that he was not sure what he wanted. We would have to wait and see when he got home.

We communicated through text for the next few weeks and I told him that I wanted to continue counseling and hope for a reconciliation. We have been married for 19 years and have been together for 23 years. I felt like that was a long time to just throw away. I wanted to know that I had done everything possible to save our marriage. He agreed that we would consider counseling but that it was going to be a long road and difficult.

He came home yesterday morning. It was a little awkward but we got through it. We decided to go out to dinner and see a movie since we hadn't all been together in over 6 weeks. It was pleasant. I didn't try to discuss heavy issues or be affectionate.

We got home late and got ready for bed. I was hoping we could chit chat for a few minutes before bed but that was not the case. He got right into bed, turned his head and didn't say a word. It was so incredibly awkward that I burst into tears and had to leave the bedroom. It took me awhile to settle down because the reality had really sunk in.

Tomorrow we go back to the counselor. It should be interesting to see what transpires. I am going to be a good listener.

I have decided that no matter what I have to take care of myself and not be a victim!

Some days are good and some days are horrible. It is the worst rollercoaster ride I have ever been on.

I am curious if any of you think this is a MLC & emotional affair. I have read many posts and it sounds like an MLC but not sure of emotional affair.

Tomorrow can't get here fast enough. I need some direction.

I appreciate your advice.

Thanks in advance.

Strawberry, I am so very sorry you are here. You really don't know what has hit you so I am going to explain it to you. The only crisis in your marriage is not your husband's "mid life" but his affair with this woman. He moved out to pursue his affair with her. He either moved in with her or moved close to her so he could pursue his affair. This is an emotional affair for sure, but it has been physical for a very long time.

I am sorry to have to tell you this but you have to know the truth in order to EVER have any hope of saving your marriage.

The true facts have to be out on the table in order to go forward. I would first try calling the OW's husband and ask him what he knows about the affair. Tell him what happened with your husband this summer and ask what he knows. He might know all about the affair.

That is where I would start.

SB, once you get the full truth, we can help you with next steps. Your marriage is very salvageable and you will get lots of help here. But your husband has to start with the truth. No recovery can be built on a foundation of lies and that is all you are getting right now.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Every time a poster comes here claiming their spouse is in MLC, we here on MB start thinking, uh-oh, affair.

When your H started to exhibit the symptoms of what you believe was MLC (distant, moody, etc) it is because he had already started his A at that time.

This actually happened with my sister, she told me that she believed her H was having a MLC and refused to believe it was an affair. I convinced her to post here on the forums and she ended up snooping -- and it turned out we were right.

Long story short: Forget about the MLC and focus on ending this A if you want to have any hope of recovering your M.

x2

You should also know that whenever a spouse moves out, it is because there is already somebody in the wings and the WS wants freedom to pursue the affair.

This has been Dr Harley's experience and we see it here on the forums over and over and over again.

Hi guys,
Thank you for your responses and advice. I was pretty convinced that it was an emotional affair but need confirmation. Guess I didn't want to face the truth that smacked me right in the face!

I forgot to mention that one night while we were talking he said "you know I'm not that guy." I guess the guy who doesn't "cheat". I guess in his mind not having sex is not having an affair.

Oh I know he got to Colorado as fast as he could to be near her. (physically and emotionally).

If he is not willing to lay everything out on the table in the next counseling session or own his behavior I may have to be done.

I guess we will see what tomorrow brings... will keep you posted. I am going to discuss the facebook thing tomorrow. He is still friends with her. I guess I was plan B when plan A didn't pan out. I guess she wasn't interested in pursuing anything further. Seems like her husband makes more money, pretty nice life.

It saddens me that he hasn't spoken to or seen this person in over 30 years and now she's the most important person over his son and I. She even convinced him to do yoga. He wouldn't have done that in 1000 years. I never thought I was exempt from cheating, but I guess I was in complete denial!

I look forward to your support.

Most counselors will do you no good -- they have high divorce rates, and generally keep you talking and do you no good.

First of all, gather intelligence, second, expose. EVERYONE needs to know about this who could possibly know, to prevent it ever happening again.

Did you read our posts? We can't help if you won't follow the advice. Your husband has had an affair and is lying about it. It was not an "emotional affair," but a very physical affair.

Obviously, your counselor is completely oblivious and helping you stay in a state of denial. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you are going to have to face reality and stop running from it.

I think deep down you know the truth.

Not "was," but ARE in denial. NOW. WE can help you, my friend, but not as long as you deny the problem.

I think you know the truth but are afraid of facing it.

You are enabling your husband and his girlfriend. Like Dr Harley states, it is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.

Here.
Polygraph Testing