After numerous complications following the birth of our first child, my wife is essentially incapable of sex. Not just penetrative intercourse, but any engorgement of her vagina (basically if she gets turned on at all) results in extreme pain. She has seen several physicians who either tell her it will get better over time, that it will require reconstructive surgery, or that its just a fact of life that she, and by extension we, will not be able to engage in any sexual activity again. Interestingly, the one time we did manage to have sex since, she got pregnant!
I'm just having a hard time dealing with the fact I will most likely be celibate for the rest of my life. I catch myself ashamed watching porn or fantasizing about sex with other women. I honestly wish I could medicate away my libido. I meditate, pray and distract myself as much as possible, but I falter. My wife is sympathetic, but she's also angry and at times lashes out resentfully if she knows or even thinks I've masturbated or watched porn (she does apologize and admit its just a result of her own frustration and fear). She wants to "fix things" but insurance won't cover the surgery and there's no way we can afford it otherwise. She's going to see yet another specialist, but in all honesty it's such a frustrating situation that both of us have all but given up hope.
I guess the consolation is that we have two beautiful daughters and yes, we are still very much in love with one another. If given the choice of going the rest of my life without sex or going without them, I'd choose the former without hesitation.
Still, that said, any advice from people in similar situations? How do you deal with celibacy?

Wow, that is really hard. Sexual fulfillment is an emotional need and I think both of you should work on getting the reconstructive surgery ASAP.

I'll let others chime in, but I think that you should start saving hard.

How did she survive the last part of pregnancy when engorgement is rather natural? That must have been really tough.

In the mean time both of you should find other ways to be passionate without actual intercourse.

Welcome to MB.

I am sorry for the things that have brought you here. That sounds like a very tough situation.

First off it is vital you stop faltering. I understand you and her are not able to have SI. That doesn't mean you need to go elsewhere to get your needs met (porn, etc). She needs to be the source of your need meeting.

It is important you and your W negotiate a solution even if you are never able to resolve the pain she has from intercourse. Brainstorm ways you can get some form of fulfillment from her.

Can you email Dr. Harley?

"Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question"

Emailing the show is a good idea. Dr Harley is experienced in how medical conditions can affect a marriage.

I think you will find he will advise giving up the porn. Though it may seem like a relatively obvious release valve for you, it in fact is just going to exacerbate both your frustration and your wife's feelings of sadness and loss.

Your wife is not well and cannot compete with porn actresses. Nobody can. Just think how threatening they are to her. Ther is no way porn is going to make you feel fulfilled sexually or happily married either. This comparison effect is going to hurt her and adversely affect your marriage.

Is it possible for your wife to provide you with some sexy snapshots so you can keep the exclusivity in your marriage and remove this threat to her?

All your admiration coins are being spent on porn actresses and not your wife. This is a waste of lovebank deposits and will lessen your wife's love for you.