Hello everyone, I am new here but have been in search of ways of getting over my heartbreak. I recently learned due to facebook conversations and phone records that my husband had been talking to other girls among them his ex-girlfriend while I was 9 months pregnant with our second son. As you all may know this devastated me. Per phone records he had been talking to his ex as I was in the recovery room recovering from my c-section. My son is now a year old. We have been married for 4 years and have two beautiful sons one 3 and one 1 yoa. After much talking and arguments we have agreed that we are going to move on. He claims he may have talked to other girls but has been faithful to me and our relationship.
Now the problem arises from trust. I cannot trust him. I look for ways to forget his betrayal but I just cannot. To me the pain of him talking to someone else as I was giving birth to his son and not knowing what was said or if he actually went through and did something during that time.
I have become obsessed with checking his phone and his Facebook and his text and have even asked him to do a lie detector test to prove me that he indeed did not physically cheated on me to which he says that he wont because he doesn't want us to get to that point but I feel like I need it to start trusting him again.
I am looking for closure to be able to move on in this relationship.
Any advise?

Hi Sortejita, welcome to MArriage Builders. You are absolutely correct that your husband should take a polygraph test. You are at the point where you need this in order to move forward. It is very likely there is much more you do not know about which would explain his resistence.

I would make an appointment with a tester and tell your husband TWO days before the test. At that time hand him a list of all your questions [ask him facts, not feelings] and tell him you are giving an amnesty period to come clean. Then tell him you fully expect him to pass the test.

Initially he will agree to it, in the hopes that his agreement will influence you to cancel the test. When he sees this not working, he will start making threats: "we might as well not be married if you don't trust me!!!" Just smile and agree with him. Tell him you don't trust him, now what is he going to do about it?

You will see lots and lots of drama leading up to the actual test, but it is very important that you don't back down. When he sees you are dead serious, he will start singing like a canary. And if he doesn't, you don't have a marriage anyway. I predict he will sing!

In the meantime, you need to start affair proofing your marriage, dear. He needs to cancel his facebook page and change his email address. He should agree to NEVER EVR have an opposite sex friendship again. His whole life should be an open book so it would be impossible for him to have an affair.

Get ahold of the book Surviving an Affair and read it so you will know how to turn this around.

Hello Sortejita,
****edit**** People forget that each one is imperfect and bound to make mistakes. Although your heart is telling you there is more going on, you cannot follow that at this time. You will have to find out the truth. a separation does not mean that is the end of your marriage. ****edit****

Per MB: it takes TWO people to have a great marriage. One spouse can prime the pump, but the other spouse must join in to make it fulfilling for both.


Per MB: We must learn to adjust to one another by eliminating our love busters. Yes, we are bound to make mistakes. At those times, we must be open and honest and CHANGE to accommodate our spouse.


Per MB: Spouses are supposed to work together as a team through tough times like financial setbacks and other challenges of life, not unconditionally "love" the spouse no matter how one is treated. The purpose of marriage is to care for one another.


Per MB: Yes, she must snoop to find out the truth of what her husband is doing, so she can protect herself.


Per MB: yes, it certainly is grounds for divorce; however, many people find that they don't want a divorce after all, because they want to recover their marriage. There are a host of logical reasons to try and work it out, if both spouses can get on board.


Per MB: A separation with no contact is recommended when an unfaithful H refuses to leave his adultery partner and take the steps needed to recover the marriage. It's not to make the WH miss their BW, though. It's so she can protect her health and any love she may still have for her unfaithful husband.


Per MB: After our intuition tells us something is "off," we snoop quietly to find out what's really going on. People with nothing to hide don't hide what they're doing.



Per MB: Snooping is healthy and right in a marriage. It is the best way to prove one is trustworthy. Snooping doesn't make a person sick. Living with WH can, though.


Per MB: Emotional affairs are JUST as damaging as physical affairs, and often they are even more damaging, because there are often deep feelings involved. This makes it even harder to break up an A.

Per MB: Recovering a marriage is not about punishing at all; it is about Just Compensation.


Per MB: The WH would have to eliminate all the conditions that led to the affair, including any social media. The couple would lead a transparent and integrated life, making an affair all but impossible.

Have you read all the basic concepts on this website? There is so much valuable information from Dr. Harley. We don't offer our own opinions here. The objective is to offer the guidance of Dr. Harley, to the best of our knowledge.

YES on the polygraph.

saying 'you need to trust' and other fogbabble is a sure sign a lot more has been going on.

As long as you don't know the full truth, you will go crazy with suspicion.

It is simple.

A polygraph can clear his name and pave the road to trust.

I'm sorry you are here. You will find great resources to make a PLAN to recover your marriage.

Now I'll leave it to brainy to link to the poly questions thread

Here you go, from my friend Pine.

There are example questions that other posters have used.
Polygraph Testing