I am very glad to have stumbled upon this site. I am recently married. I will be hitting my one year anniversary this Sunday. I have been with my now husband for 18 years. I am glad to have made it this far with him. I did not think I would.

It will be three years this coming November that I learned of my then fiance's infidelity. I was crushed, torn, lost, and confused. during my discovery of his betrayal I found out that over the previous ten years he cheated on me with three other women that were younger and way smaller than me in size. After having five kids and health issues I was over weight. So this discovery was a mighty blow to my self-esteem. In the midst of all this I had just begun grad school. I wanted so much to give up on everything. My goals, my family, and my life. But some how I mustered up enough strength to continue and not give up. I must say that those two years were the toughest years of my life. I don't know how I even survived. I had no energy for my children, my job, nor my school. A lot of the times I became withdrawn and had to fight with myself to not give up.

I remember it clear as day. My fiance was complaining that he was not feeling well the day before. I was so concerned for him, he swore it was something he ate. The next day which was a Monday he went to the doctors. I called him while he was there and asked them how things were going. He then told me he was waiting for some results to come back but he needed to talk to me when he got home. I asked him what are the doctors checking you for. and he got quiet. Then I started to become suspicious. I asked him why was he really there? Did he cheat on me? I asked him that three times before he confessed to it. I was devastated. At the time I was breast feeding our 11 month old son. I hung up in is ear and grabbed my son and started to hold him and cry and pray for him. I prayed if anything is wrong don't let him have it. I was worried about STD's. To make a long story short. It turned out my FI, my son and I were fine after the standard testing procedures to check for STD's. As you may well know the six months between the first and second blood test are excruciating. Since then I have not been right or should I say the same. I decided for the sake of my children to work it out with him and we did. We decided to get married, I finished school, lost a ton of weight (by taking care of me), and I have a new addition to my family. I still have my moments. And some days are better than others. I have a lot of triggers because one of the women do not live far from where I live so I would see her every now and then. So my recovery is taking longer than I expected. I am just trilled though, to have found this site; and thus far it has been extremely helpful. I pray for all those affected by betrayal, that you will continue to survive and rise above it.

Welcome to MB and sorry for your pain.

Have you read through this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Why did it take you 18 years to get married?

Who is the OW?

I am sorry for the situation that has brought you here. After three years, you should be much further along in recovery. You will find the tools here to help you.

There are two books you should read as soon as you can. One is "Surviving an Affair". This will give you an outline as to how recovery is supposed to work. The other is "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders". This is a book about the stages of relationships. It is especially relevant for you because of the extended time you spent living together before marriage.

Let's start with a definition: Infidelity is a romantic relationship outside of marriage. Strictly speaking, you can not have infidelity if you are not married. That does not mean that the betrayal of trust is not deep or profound. But if you haven't made the commitment "before God and witnesses", then you simply don't have infidelity.

The question comes to my mind - Did you marry in response to the unfaithfulness in your relationship? If so, you need to understand that the act of marriage alone is not going to make much of a difference. This is where "Buyers, Renters. and Freeloaders" comes in. People who live together are in a renters relationship. Your comment about not thinking you would make it this far is solid evidence that you are still in a renters relationship. Getting married doesn't automatically change renters to buyers. Clearly, you desire for you and your husband to be buyers, and this book will tell you how to do that.

Once you and your husband are buyers, you are going to find your recovery much easier to accomplish. The important message that I want you to hear is that the status quo of your present relationship does not have to be. Those of us who have completed the MB program for recovery have wonderful romantic relationships with our spouses. We aren't just surviving and rising above our betrayals. We have recovered from them, and have better marriages than we ever had before.

Please read this.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders