|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3 |
Well I don't know really how to start this. I have never shared my issues with anyone but I feel I need to. So I will be honest about everything. I am 38yrs.and my husband 42yrs. next month we will be married 14 years. Our marriage has always had little ups and downs but nothing any other couple probably has not had. Dealing with the in laws, raising children, money issues ect.. Here goes: My husband and I met through his ex wife she was my friend (I did not cause the divorce they had already been divorced aprox. 2 yrs)We hit it it off well that's what I though all these years. We dated a bit and eventually moved in together. I had a daughter and he had a son both of us having full custody and no help from the other parent. So we felt it was equal. At one point he called off our relationship due to my parents always getting involved and I allowed it to happen but then we talked and I admitted if I wanted us to work I had to commit to our relationship and needed to make my parents stay to the self. After about a year I got pregnant I was on the pill my husband think even to this day I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and I swear I did not. We got married after I had our daughter. My pregnancy was a risky one (I had a daughter when I was a senior in high school delivered her at 7 months on Christmas day and she passed away on Jan. 2nd due to breathing complications then with my second daughter I delivered her at 8 months and she was healthy) My daughter we have together was due in April I was admitted to the hospital on Dec. 30th and delivered her on Feb. 11th she stayed in the hospital for 9 weeks today she is a healthy teenager the doctor says we are luck to have her. I wanted to get my tubes tied after 4 months of having my daughter I was scared to get pregnant again my doctor agreed with me he said it was to risky to try for more children not only for the baby but for me as well my husband dis agreed he wanted more children. After me pleading with him for aprox. 6months he finally said just do it he did not go with me to the surgery. Aprox. 2 years ago my husband decided he wanted to go on the road has a truck driver away from open he says he raised his son and I should be fine with the girls he did go on the road for about 6months coming home every week or so for a day or two. I then told him to choose a life on the wrong or his marriage he choose our marriage. I could tell he was angry with me from that point on. About 5months ago a friend of mine said she thought my husband has a account on line with Ashley Madison (a site where married people would like to have a affair but very discreetly) I viewed it from my friends account and yes it was my husband I spoke with him about it and he did not deny it. Then two weeks ago a woman approached me on line and stated she had been talking with my husband via email and she felt bad and wanted me to know what my husband was saying about me. She sent me all the emails he told her stuff I could not believe he told her he was married, his wife was top notch, a good mother, a good wife, good lover but he was not in love with me and never was. I only arouse him once a week, the kids are my ace in the hole, I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and I made him choose the road or his marriage. Anyways there is more but bottom line I approached him with this and he did not deny it. He said he loves me but not in love with me but wants to try to
fall in love with me. I am so confused because I truly love him and want to be with him but I am so hurt and there is no trust there anymore. I am not wanting someone to tell me I am stupid for staying I just need people/someone to talk to before I go crazy ??????
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757 |
If that's your real name at the bottom of your signature line, you should probably delete it, just for your own protection.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956 Likes: 1 |
Well I don't know really how to start this. I have never shared my issues with anyone but I feel I need to. So I will be honest about everything.
I am 38yrs.and my husband 42yrs. next month we will be married 14 years. Our marriage has always had little ups and downs but nothing any other couple probably has not had. Dealing with the in laws, raising children, money issues ect..
Here goes: My husband and I met through his ex wife she was my friend (I did not cause the divorce they had already been divorced aprox. 2 yrs)We hit it it off well that's what I though all these years. We dated a bit and eventually moved in together.
I had a daughter and he had a son both of us having full custody and no help from the other parent. So we felt it was equal.
At one point he called off our relationship due to my parents always getting involved and I allowed it to happen but then we talked and I admitted if I wanted us to work I had to commit to our relationship and needed to make my parents stay to the self.
After about a year I got pregnant I was on the pill my husband think even to this day I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and I swear I did not. We got married after I had our daughter. My pregnancy was a risky one (I had a daughter when I was a senior in high school delivered her at 7 months on Christmas day and she passed away on Jan. 2nd due to breathing complications then with my second daughter I delivered her at 8 months and she was healthy) My daughter we have together was due in April I was admitted to the hospital on Dec. 30th and delivered her on Feb. 11th she stayed in the hospital for 9 weeks today she is a healthy teenager the doctor says we are luck to have her.
I wanted to get my tubes tied after 4 months of having my daughter I was scared to get pregnant again my doctor agreed with me he said it was to risky to try for more children not only for the baby but for me as well my husband dis agreed he wanted more children. After me pleading with him for aprox. 6months he finally said just do it he did not go with me to the surgery.
Aprox. 2 years ago my husband decided he wanted to go on the road has a truck driver away from open he says he raised his son and I should be fine with the girls he did go on the road for about 6months coming home every week or so for a day or two. I then told him to choose a life on the wrong or his marriage he choose our marriage. I could tell he was angry with me from that point on.
About 5months ago a friend of mine said she thought my husband has a account on line with Ashley Madison (a site where married people would like to have a affair but very discreetly) I viewed it from my friends account and yes it was my husband I spoke with him about it and he did not deny it.
Then two weeks ago a woman approached me on line and stated she had been talking with my husband via email and she felt bad and wanted me to know what my husband was saying about me. She sent me all the emails he told her stuff I could not believe he told her he was married, his wife was top notch, a good mother, a good wife, good lover but he was not in love with me and never was. I only arouse him once a week, the kids are my ace in the hole, I got pregnant on purpose to trap him and I made him choose the road or his marriage. Anyways there is more but bottom line I approached him with this and he did not deny it.
He said he loves me but not in love with me but wants to try to
fall in love with me. I am so confused because I truly love him and want to be with him but I am so hurt and there is no trust there anymore. I am not wanting someone to tell me I am stupid for staying I just need people/someone to talk to before I go crazy ?????? I'm so sorry for your pain. I broke up your posts into paragraphs to make it easier for other posters to follow. You may get more help that way. You're not crazy for wanting to save your marriage. Lots of people want to recover their marriage after an affair. MB is the best place to do that. The words "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means he has a point of comparison, another woman he is likely in love with. Continue to snoop quietly and find out as much as you can about what he's been up to. Was there just one woman? Were there more? Did he meet with any of them? Get your proof and keep it in a safe place in case you need it later. The first thing that has to happen is to get proof of his affair(s) and expose them. He will need to write a No Contact letter and eliminate every condition that led to his affair(s.) He will need to end his traveling job and never spend another night apart from you again. You and he must live an integrated, transparent life. Your H must agree to commit to a plan of restoration of the marriage. Your "new" marriage must be better than it ever was before the A. You will have a roller coaster of emotions ahead of you for a while. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. If you are feeling depressed, please see a doctor for some ADs.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Anyways there is more but bottom line I approached him with this and he did not deny it. He said he loves me but not in love with me but wants to try to
fall in love with me. I am so confused because I truly love him and want to be with him but I am so hurt and there is no trust there anymore. I am not wanting someone to tell me I am stupid for staying I just need people/someone to talk to before I go crazy ?????? Hi love2travel, welcome to Marriage Builders. I think there is much more going on here than you know about. His comment that he loves you but is not in love with you means he has a new point of comparison. The fact that he wanted a traveling job makes me suspect he was using this as means to conduct an affair. I suspect there is someone you don't know about. I would go slap a keylogger on his computer and some spyware on his phone to see if you can find something. Once you do that for a few days, ask him if he is in love with someone else. Ask him to tell you about any and all relationships he has had and ask him to take a polygraph. The reason for this is because you can't recover if he is not telling you the full truth. Having lies between you makes true intimacy impossible. So I would focus on getting the full truth and taking steps to affair proof your marriage. Once you take these first steps and get the full truth on the table, you can start working on creating a romantic, safe relationship. We can guide you through this. In the meantime, read the article below and read all the links in the "Start here" thread at the top of this forum. "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip> Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Also, you should get tested for STDs and insist that he does too.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3 |
I did not realize it would show my name. How do I delete it? I was so nervous writing about my issues I felt like I was doing something wrong. I am not a computer wiz I am learning.
Thank you
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
I did not realize it would show my name. How do I delete it? I was so nervous writing about my issues I felt like I was doing something wrong. I am not a computer wiz I am learning.
Thank you It looks like the MODS may have taken care of it for you.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 2013
Posts: 3 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,481 Likes: 6 |
Did you see this? Anyways there is more but bottom line I approached him with this and he did not deny it. He said he loves me but not in love with me but wants to try to
fall in love with me. I am so confused because I truly love him and want to be with him but I am so hurt and there is no trust there anymore. I am not wanting someone to tell me I am stupid for staying I just need people/someone to talk to before I go crazy ?????? Hi love2travel, welcome to Marriage Builders. I think there is much more going on here than you know about. His comment that he loves you but is not in love with you means he has a new point of comparison. The fact that he wanted a traveling job makes me suspect he was using this as means to conduct an affair. I suspect there is someone you don't know about. I would go slap a keylogger on his computer and some spyware on his phone to see if you can find something. Once you do that for a few days, ask him if he is in love with someone else. Ask him to tell you about any and all relationships he has had and ask him to take a polygraph. The reason for this is because you can't recover if he is not telling you the full truth. Having lies between you makes true intimacy impossible. So I would focus on getting the full truth and taking steps to affair proof your marriage. Once you take these first steps and get the full truth on the table, you can start working on creating a romantic, safe relationship. We can guide you through this. In the meantime, read the article below and read all the links in the "Start here" thread at the top of this forum. "The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. <snip> Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
273
guests, and
28
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
