brainHurts,

Can you please link in the radio show in my or my H thread so he can listen to it as he asked me for it and I haven't got a clue how to find it.

Thanks

I will as soon as it hits the archives, but since it was on Friday's show they will replay it all weekend. So just have him hit the Listen Now.

Thanks if totally forgot it was on a Friday therefore it would be available all weekend.

H voluntarily and without any prompting asked for my I pad so he could hear the show via the app I have downloaded. Then today again without any prompting from me called the Dr and booked a double appointment one for Ad's and one to sort out his hands issues.

I am really impressed by his actions and really happy that he is following through without any pushing from me.

We had a wonderful family weekend by the sea and took today off to have some more UA time. The house looks a total mess but we are both relaxed and happy, just the brake we needed from our hectic schedules.

Another clear signs of recovery and progression came yesterday when we went to visit his elderly grandmother in her new residential care home, it was close to where the town where OW lives and signs for her town were nearby, H was concerned about me when we were driving and took care to make sure I was ok, I couldn't care less, many of my triggers have gone now. The only thing that still gets under my skin is if I see any hotel belonging to the chain of hotels they had sex in. That always makes me want to throw otherwise I'm ok.

This is off topic but I have been wondering for a couple of weeks now where is MelodyLane? Haven't seen her post on SAA forum for long time, is she ok?

Thanks Brain,

All is still progressing well, I'm having a personal stressful week but H is being supportive. His Dr appointment is coming up will update on the progress made there.


I am struggling because I have applied for the job of my dreams but feel petrified of the effect this will have on our family. It does not involve nights apart but involves shift work. I know we have the shop to sort out as well and things are set to get more chaotic but this is the opportunity I have been waiting for since 2010. It's my dream but I don't want it to cost me my family.

Quick update,

Met with Dr today and after a little struggle and quoting Dr H re if reasons for low self image make no sense then have to consider depression got H started on AD's.

Also got H referral to dermatologist for his hands,

So all progressing well.

Wow how quickly things change in this house.

LBs flying all over the place and huge shouting match going on,

All because of the game again....

Really done with this mess.

I want out

What's going on? You both have read Love Busters?

You both should be beyond this?

It's my stupid fault for not POJAing properly,

Yesterday H had Dr appointment,

He came to me before a day before the appointment and asked if we could POJA if he could play the game outside of agreed hours on monday night because there was a tournament of some kind on the game. I clearly stated I would never be enthusiastic about him playing the game but as he had been adhering to the rules of play time for so long I feel like I can't say no, of course H took that as a go ahead and play the game when you want.

Fast forward to Monday - I had the day from hell, kids on school summer brake were unruly and I had to take them with me to the shop, H was working day shift. I have a serious job assessment on Wednesday and have a lot of studying to do, kids playing up, customers being demanding and I can't eat a thing because of stress the gastric band is extra tight (lost 7lb in 10 days), didn't manage to do any studying and when I got home had to go with H to the dr to fight for the AD's and referral for his hands.

All of this is one thing but coming home but having no food in the house was the final straw. We have funds to go get food that's not an issue the issue is that after the day I had H wants to go food shopping after he plays the game at 11pm at a 24 hour supermarket.

I bite the bullet and wait around till 11:10, still no sign of H who is downstairs playing the game still. I text him knowing he is obviously in possession of his phone asking him about the food shop, get a reply "oh are we still going food shopping?" Basically fishing for more game time.

It's now 11:20, I am exhausted, stressed about the job assessment, worried about no food, have a million things to do for the following day and I'm sitting there waiting for his selfish self to set aside a game so we can go get food in and I just lost it.

Today I have 4 kids, a business to run, a grocery shop to take care of and a job assessment to study for all while not able to eat anything. H is working day shift with his dad so I am on my own with this, I am not feeling very enthusiastic about this marriage right now. I hate that game and hate how he could have helped me last night and chose to play instead knowing I was not enthusiastic about it, how he had me stay up late waiting for him and then he "played dumb" about the food shop he pushed to be moved to a later time, hate that he knows how much this job means to me and yet he's not helping, hate that I felt blackmailed into agreeing so he would go to the Dr and get AD's, hate that he didn't consider my needs at all, hate that while he played the kids continued to be my responsibility and more stress ensued and just hate being married but lacking the benefit of a supporting spouse that a marriage should have.

I called him Peter Pan--- the boy who never grew up. That's my LB.

I am exhausted today, after the AO 's LB's and showdown last night I of course didn't sleep much while he happily snored the night away unaffected.

Sounds like your first mistake was to sacrifice instead of negotiate, which lead to resentment.
Your post is full of DJs, btw.

Ugh,
More LBs due to the game yesterday, he's playing it outside agreed hours, can someone on MB please reason with him about this issue. It's driving me insane.

How to negotiate this??

POJA about game failing >>>> he broke POJA 2 times in one month I am not enthusiastic about him playing this game at all now, his attitude when he is with me is changed and I don't feel he enjoyed time with me because he's counting the minutes till he gets back to the game.

If I demand that he quits isn't that against MB principals? As every time I bring it up I am told I a DJing by MB members.

If I don't demand and ask him and he does not give it up then I'm sacrificing and not negotiating.

If I simply grab his phone and smash it its of course an AO.

After so many broken POJAs about this game I am truly done with POJAing anything that will allow him to continue to play it.


I am no longer enjoying UA time with him and do not feel like SF at all due to the LBs he's committing by playing this game especially outside POJA'd hours.

He got put on citalopram 20mg AD's 2 weeks ago I haven't noticed any difference although he's backed off making me feel guilty about the weight loss wich due to stress in general is going strong, 14lbs in 3 weeks was a major hit.

NB28, I can commiserate with you about the gaming. If you have read my thread, you know how much it upset me when Kiss would play a certain video game. I told him "It bothers me when....and I would rather spnd that time with you". So he stopped playing the video game when I was home from work. But he would play it during the day and IT still bothered me. But I didn't really know why. After some thought about it, I realized that it bothered me because he was making it a priority before other things, such as reading MB materials, or posting. It bothered me that the game was a priority to him rather than improving our marriage.

Most couples go into marital negotiation without doing their homework. They don't fully understand the conflict itself, nor do they understand each other's perspectives. In many cases, they are not even sure what they really want.


Once I realized and could relay to him why it bothered me, the gaming has about stopped and we are spending more time improving our marriage.

Could this apply to you as well as maybe there is an underlying reason why you don't want him playing the game?

Here is the link to the Four Rules of Successful Negotiation Link for a refresher for you. I'm really looking forward to Dr. Harley's new book because I think that will be a big help to Kiss and I!

Spot on RQ,

It bothers me because it is taking something away from us.

For example, yesterday H offered to give me the day off kids and shop wise as kids are on summer holidays and they are unusually misbehaving lately, I have been stressed organising the family holiday, the kids, the shop, the house and a very important job move from shop owner to EMT (have had to pass entry tests and now waiting for interview process), I thanked him and accepted his offer however in the morning I was up early and remembered I had an appointment set up with someone at the shop so told H that I will have to go into work after all.

His reaction was of total disappointment and I KNOW it's because he planned to play his game at work and not for care of my ruined day off. He of course denies this but I feel rejected. I wanted him to be a little bit happy that now we would be together for the day instead he was angry/annoyed by it.

Does this make any sense?

I think the gaming needs to go for now. It is obviously his most enjoyable time of the day, even over spending time with you. It is creating a contrast effect that will make it difficult for you to fill his lovebank. He will never be able to enjoy what he does with you as long as he has his games to compare the time with.

Thanks Prisca,

Now would you mind telling him that?

I don't know how to negotiate him quitting this game as stated before, it will be either a AO, DJ or Demand, none of witch is within MB rules.

POJA is difficult as he will never be enthusiastic about quitting and I won't be enthusiastic about him playing at all.

It is not an AO, DJ or Demand to simply state "I am not enthusiastic about you gaming." You control whether it is an AO, DJ or Demand.

The default condition of POJA is "do nothing" not "continue as is." If you are not enthusiastic about him gaming, then according to POJA, he must stop and the two of you do nothing. THEN you can negotiate something else to do together.

You don't negotiate quitting. You inform him you aren't happy with him doing it, and he quits until you guys come up with an alternative.

He doesn't have to be enthusiastic about quitting to quit. The POJA specifies "do nothing without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse." "Do nothing" means don't play, because playing is doing something.

You need to be radically honest with him about your nonenthusiasm. He needs to respond by not playing any more. Then, you guys negotiate (something else).

Markos and Prisca,

I truly understand that and POJA and obviously I have said to him repeatedly exactly this "I am not enthusiastic about your game"

The issue is that he sees this as me expressing how I feel but he can do what he wants so he carries on playing regardless.

The only time he took an interest in POJAing this was when he got given allotted times to play which became and issue because he broke this POJA several times and this has led to me no longer being enthusiastic about any game time allotted or not.

If he does not respond to my lack of enthusiasm about the game and carries on playing it despite POJA rules what's my next step?


He knows playing it in allotted times is something I am not enthusiastic about
He knows that playing it outside allotted times is a major LB for me
And as far as radical honesty goes he is in denial as to how much his game takes away from us.

He can stay up till god knows what hour to play the game but if we have UA time scheduled in the evening he's falling asleep on me halfway through the evening.

He gets up early to play the game wich in turn means he is not fully there for UA time in the evening because he is tiered.

I know it's just a game but it is effecting everything, I have not been intimate with him for nearly a month and the game is the big LB that kick started my withdrawal.