Married 20 years and wife wants a divorce.. Problems started long ago with my refusal to put her first. I worship this woman but she can't see this. She is so hardened to the fact that I never gave a crap about her that I don't know how to get her to try to work on us. We have three children and I can't imagine not being in the same house as them.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

I have but how do I convince her.

The first thing you should do is to examine the entire section of LoveBusters on this website, better yet order the book Love Busters, and see if you are doing any of them. If you are, eliminate them completely.

Never make any demands; instead ask her, "How would you feel about....?"

Never be disrespectful or argue with her. NEVER be angry with her.

Most women have Intimate Conversation and Affection as their top two emotional needs. Start doing these two things first. If she rebuffs your affection, then do small things like pulling out her chair, opening doors, occasionally touching her arm. (The book His Needs, Her Needs is strongly recommended.)

Start putting her first by setting aside 15 hours every week, starting today, without your children or friends. Just the two of you on a date. It can a walk in your neighborhood, but get out of your house for the date.

Start following the Policy of Joint Agreement. Ask her how she would feel about any decision you are looking at. And only proceed when you have enthusiastic agreement.

At some point, she'll need to jump in with you, but you can get it started.

What has she complained about over the years in regards to how you treat her?

She begged to go to lunch with me and I never would. Went a couple times. I always felt like I was cheating my employer. I know I wasn't and he wouldn't have cared but I always made up a reason in my head. I seemed to put everyone before her. I dont think I purposely did but in her eyes I did. I don't want to loose her. I can't seem to regain her love. She has developed a hatred for me and I can't blame her.

What are her specific complaints about you?

How long has she been telling you about the complaints?

Did she say "I love you but am not in love with you?"

Does she have any male friends?

Please read these.
Can A Marriage Be Saved By One Spouse? (Part 1)
Can One Spouse Save a Marriage? (Part 2)

Please check your email and contact the MODS about using multiple aliases.

Did you see these questions?

She says I'm her best friend.
She has a male friend (gay) workmate that is now dating another female coworker. Acts gay obviously not gay. She knows I'm not comfortable with him. He is the only male that goes out after work on Thursday's with the coworkers.
Ther are many specific complaints. I have never cheated or hit her but I have never put her first till now. As of last night she says her heart has closed and it won't open back. She purchased a home for us in her name that she will be moving into. I will help, she doesn't want me moving in with her and kids. After 20 years I florida we picked up and moved to her hometown in northern ny. She is the happiest I have ever seen her. She has lost weight and is the most beautiful. She has been telling me about her complaints for years and the immature selfish [censored] I have been was not paying attention. She had an EA last year with a high school friend and that was what finally woke me up. Too late in her eyes now she sees men eyeing her for the first time since college.

So she is having an affair now, isn't she? Are you snooping on her?

How come you didn't put her first in the past? Was she complaining about this for all these years? Did you know and just refuse to change?

It's this man and any other male friends she has that are the main problem in your marriage. You need to find out the full extent of their relationship so that you can disrupt the affair and win her back.

You are not comfortable with the man because you know he's a huge problem in your relationship. He has stolen her affections! Whether he is "gay" or not, she can still fall in love with him.

This is the problem, and you need to face it head on.

Click "notify" and ask the moderators to move your thread to the "surviving an affair" section of the board, where you will get the help you need.

First of all, it is mandatory that you continue to check up on her for a possible affair, and disrupt it if there is one.

Second - the general strategy is lots and lots of conversation. LOTS of conversation. Read and reread the friends and enemies of good conversation daily, and practice them daily. Track yourself, on paper, over time, to make sure you are including all of the friends and none of the enemies.

The friends and enemies of good conversation are online here, but there is a better version in the most recent edition of His Needs, Her Needs:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

The good news is that once your wife is not getting her needs met elsewhere, she will eventually come out into the state of Conflict. She will be fighting, so you will need to make sure that you do not respond to her demands, disrespect, and anger with demands, disrespect, or anger of your own. If you love bust her AT ALL, if you do anything that she believes is demanding, disrespectful, or angry, then she will go back into Withdrawal like a poked snail pulling back into its shell. And like a snail she will stay in the shell longer next time.

Don't poke the snail!

I recommend the following:
* Contact Dr. Harley on his radio show and go on the show to talk to him about it.
* This is going to take a long time and feel discouraging to you - see your doctor and ask him to prescribe antidepressants for you for the short term, to help keep your emotions even. It will make it easier for you to keep priming the pump without reciprocation for awhile. It worked for me, and I still have a bottle around here in case we ever go there again. I delayed on this for years - just go do it.
* Listen to Dr. Harley on his radio show EVERY SINGLE DAY. You need a LOT of education to help you use logic to override your emotional instincts. And you need a lot of motivation and encouragement. Dr. Harley will provide both. Subscribe to the archives and listen to the old shows, too.

For goodness sake, she's moving into another house so she can carry on her affair(s) undisturbed!

Get the book Surviving an Affair immediately so you can understand what is going on and what you can do about it.

Please view this video from Dr. Harley:

You need to be working on two parallel tracks:

On one track, you need to be finding out all you can about her and her relationships. You need to find out the full extent of her affair. Once you have the information, you will need to expose the affair in order to disrupt it.

Meanwhile, in person and when in contact with your wife, you need to be the nicest husband possible, to WIN HER BACK. You need to be making what Dr. Harley terms "love bank deposits." You want to be together with her when she is the happiest. You want to make enjoyable conversation with her. As far as possible, you want to be with her when YOU are happy and at your best. If at all possible, get your wife to go out on a date with you, and make it fun, and then try to get her to keep dating you.

Welcome to MB. So sorry your here. I also agree. There is an active affair and she has a point of contrast. You have likely been given the lines of all lines that people in affairs use. "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

Now is not the time to become a doormat. Just because you were not the man she needed you to be doesn't mean you don't start cleaning your side of the street and become a better man for her. You gotta start with what you can change and work on, and that is yourself. You must snoop and get the goods without her knowing (keyloggers, phone spywares, and VAR etc). Once you know, DO NOT CONFRONT. Bring it here and we will help you with the next steps. You must fight for your marriage and show her that you can be the man she needs. It will take great effort but it can be done. Stick around. Ask questions and answer ours.

MNG

She is not having an affair. She just told me this morning. She told him no more contact.

And you believed her?