Ok folks. In an unbiased as possible way that I can present the challenge please comment with suggestions for how to deal with situation and how to communicate.
Married 27 years. Have had marriage and communication problems the last few years. New to MB but wife has read most all Dr. Harley's books and husband has read His Needs/Her Needs. Both willing to practice MB concepts. Interested in meeting each other's needs.
Problem: Wife about to get her hair cut. Husband brings up idea for wife to get light "highlights"---he likes a blond look. Wife is very dark hair. Dark eyes. Dark eyebrows. LIKES her dark hair and has NEVER desired to dye her hair. Wife does not like highlight look, feels much more "youthful" in natural dark hair. Wife does periodically get a cellophance shade to camouflage grey hairs to blend into her natural dark hair. Before marriage husband predominantly dated blonds, probably prefers blond look (Speculation). Has suggested wife try dying hair and wife has for years reaffirmed that she does not want to be a blond, does not like nor desire highlights.
With the MB program, husband presents that physical attractiveness is one of his top emotional needs and he would like his wife to dye her hair "for him." Wife reiterates that it makes her uncomfortable for him to continue to ask her to dye her hair when she continually shares that she is not comfortable with the idea. Wife does not want nor like dyed hair. She understands some women like to change hair color but she prefers dark hair and would feel uncomfortable dying her hair. Husband accuses wife of selfishness and not interested in meeting his needs if she won't consider changing her hair color. Wife feels pressured and disrespected to be called selfish for just desiring to keep her natural color. I know this seems like a silly issue but underlying is husband feeling wife should meet his needs and wife feeling like husband should love her enough to be happy with who she IS without demanding she change in ways that make her uncomfortable. Wife has NEVER dyed her hair so it is not as if husband met her as a blond and would like her to go back. Husband says he would be willing to change some physical attribute if wife wanted. But still, wife feels hurt and pressured that he will not accept a "no thanks, that is just not me"-----How to deal with this? Suggestion for husband, Suggestions for wife?

POJA - wife not enthusiastic, no deal.

Husband is using angry outbursts and selfish demands = love busters.

No dye.

What did you do in response to the advice you received on your other thread about his sexual demands? Same answer as to this demand: like HHH said, the solution is POJA.

His willingness to follow MB has to include consideration and sensitivity to how you feel about any solution that is proposed for a problem.

ARe you the wife or the husband? Your post is very confusing.

In the POJA, both parties have to be enthusiastic. If you are not enthusiastic about getting highlights, that should be dropped. Forcing your spouse to bend to your will is not a factor in the POJA. Your husband is making lovebusters by calling you selfish for not bending to his will.

Wow we've brainstormed a lot of ENs but I don't remember a hair color preference before. Maybe just he's so deep in State of Conflict that he wants some kind of "big display" to know you still care. Work with him maybe a special vacation or something would be a similar gesture and make both of you happy.

I really like highlights but they always made my hair dry over time and I had to dye it back dark to give it a rest. Now for my greys I put a rinse over them and it gives them a pretty caramel color without lightening the rest of my hair. What do you think about trying something like that once the next time the cellophane is washed out? And like give it a week or two to see how you like it? Then if you still don't like it your H will know you tried and you can put the cellophane one back in.

X2

No dye job.

How about trying a lighter-coloured wig for, ahem, "indoor playtime"? Might be fun.

There are many ways to satisfy an emotional need for physical attractiveness. One has to apply POJA to the entire issue if mutually enthusiastic solutions are to be found. Considering just her hair color is going to be dead on arrival. Of course, if she doesn't want to change her hair color, it isn't going to happen. Yet, there are certainly many ways that the husband will find the wife to be terrific-looking besides just hair color. That is where POJA is effective. One can use it to find the best mutually enthusiastic total package.

It would be best if you stick to one thread. I can see immediately that this issue is related to the issue in your other thread.

It would also be best if you identify whether you are the husband or the wife. Trying to conceal that from us may result in us giving you bad advice. I know you asked for advice for both husband and wife, but we can do a better job for you if we know who you are. If you are both posting, I suggest separate accounts and separate threads, and not posting on each other's threads.

I read your post until I got here:


And immediately I saw a problem. Do you see it? Namecalling! Calling your spouse selfish is a disrespectful judgment.

Take a look at Dr. Harley's instructions for putting the Policy of Joint Agreement into practice:

Four Guidelines For Successful Negotiation


One reason to avoid disrespectful judgments like namecalling is that it hurts one's spouse. That's probably the best reason. But another good reason is because it prevents problem solving! The issue of how to meet this need will never be solved together if disrespectful judgments enter the conversation. If he would like to discuss changes with his wife, he will be more likely to get something he likes if he avoids namecalling. For this reason, his wife should disallow it and end the conversation when he does this.

The rest of the conversation quickly becomes a fight, and should have been avoided. She shouldn't have to defend whether she is selfish or not ("Wife feels pressured and disrespected to be called selfish for just desiring to keep her natural color." - it wouldn't be acceptable to be called selfish for ANY reason, right? Husband and wife shouldn't debate when it's okay to call each other selfish.)


Hmm, it's disrespectful for her to say he should love her enough to be happy with who she is. I agree though that he should not demand she do things she is not enthusiastic about. As others have posted, this has to be settled with the enthusiastic agreement of both husband and wife.

In general you guys need to learn to negotiate. Dr. Harley has a whole book coming out on this later this year.

Please read all four letters in this article.
Having Trouble with the Policy of Joint Agreement? Letter #1

Thank you. I am the wife--not trying to be hidden identity. I was trying to post in a neutral fashion that did not present only my point of view as I asked for advice for both. I told me husband I would post the situation on the MB forum to get feedback from others. I was just trying to remain neutral.
I do believe that this has to do with the POJA and Disrespectful Judgments. As my husband has only read His Needs/Her Needs he is less familiar with Love Busters. But I believe they are a huge factor in our relationship. I try to explain that pressuring me to change my hair in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable violates the principles of MBs.
My husband is skeptical of the POJA as he says that one person can then sabotage anything. I try to assure him that I am eager and committed to meet his needs in mutually satisfying ways.
Is there anyone who would be able to communicate to and encourage my husband to the effectiveness of POJA long term? I will check out the POJA letters BrainHurts posted.

Dr. Harley would be great at that! You can email him at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

If your husband were to come here, we'd be happy to discuss it with him, too.

One person can already sabotage anything. POJA gives a framework to help folks find things that make them both happy. Did you like the idea of a special trip together? Or what would some special gesture be that you two would enjoy making for the relationship? Often folks here start with scheduling some fun, light date nights, does that appeal to you?

WE just returned from a vacation. And the product I have used for my hair I thought was a happy medium. It is a semi-permanent color that doesn't strip natural color. Redken Shades I believe. So it covers grey and as it fades the grey look more caramel similar to highlights until it fades out. I am dark brown but actually use more of a red brown that covers and blends the grey and looks similar to a highlight over time. My husband likes the lighter look. I prefer it when it is darker, but I go maybe three or four months between so it is lighter about half the time like he prefers. I was just planning to get my hair cut soon when he approached me and asked me to consider just dying it lighter which I do NOT prefer.I believe the highlighting process would damage my hair. He does not understand that I try to make it a way he likes for at least for some of the time in a way that does not damage my hair. It just seems to me that any "no" communicates to him that I am not willing to please him and makes him resentful. I will see if he will read more about POJA and can see how it can benefit us BOTH. I need any suggestions that have helped others with spouses who felt that a "no" was unwillingness to meet needs. I am not unwilling, but will at times want to find ways to satisfy us both, particularly when they affect me personally. Trying...

Yes they are. He cannot fill his account in your love bank if he is making withdrawals. It is simply impossible.

It is important for you to hold him accountable about his disrespect and name calling. Tell him you are not willing to negotiate with him if he is disrespectful to you.

I feel that HNHN without LB is really half a program. I'm sure a lot of people have been helped by HNHN alone, but they probably didn't have as big of a Love Busters problem as I did!


How is it sabotage to make sure that both husband and wife are protected by patiently waiting until you can agree? Sabotage would be if he went ahead and did something you didn't want him to, or demanded that you do something you don't want to. That would be a love bank withdrawal, and sabotage would be a good name for it, because it would sabotage your attempts to be in love with each other.

Have you heard Dr. Harley discuss the Marriage Builders concept of Type A and Type B resentment?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2550250#Post2550250

Thanks. I am asking him to email and explain his point of view to Dr Harley. I am hoping he will do that. I think he does not fully understand the MB concepts. Or he thinks I just "resist his desires" because he does not see all the daily times I accommodate his preferences to meet his needs. I feel he has a hard time feeling satisfied if he ever meets will a "no" from me. But thank you for the idea to look at other mutually satisfying ideas. It is difficult for me when facing a situation where it feels like there is no "middle ground" but must be a definite yes or no so that it is difficult for both to feel satisfied on that issue. Or maybe I am just reactive to the fact that it feels my husband has a difficult time to ever meet a "no, I do not want to do that" He feels that I am being selfish and I feel that he pressures me to make him happy at my expense. How can I explain better that it is ultimately damaging if we are not BOTH HAPPY with a situation?

The important thing, even more important than explanation, is that you refuse to engage in any win-lose situation. You need to be the kind of person that he CAN'T get what he wants from a situation unless he makes it happy for you as well.

Get him to read Love Busters and the articles here on this site.

Watch the videos with him:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi1000_video.html

Listen to Marriage Builders Radio with him:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/mb3.cfm?recno=12

Listen to that radio clip on Type A and Type B resentment with him.

And when Dr. Harley's new book on negotiation comes out, get that and read it with him.

POJA is not meant to shut down one spouse. It's meant as a safe way to negotiate ideas and alternatives when kone spouse isn't okay with something.