Pretty much yes - Of course they are hearing spin. However on one hand they have his side of the story, on the other they have mine. My own family really hate him right now because they have seen the damage he has caused. His family I guess have heard more of the spin. They love him - morally bankrupt? I think they just don't want to be seen to be taking sides. If I forced them to take sides they would go with him as he is their son/brother.
I don't have many friends who aren't his friends. Those that are lead very busy lives.
I have to admit, I still feel like a total psychopath emailing those people. It goes against everything that I am. I didn't sleep at all last night. I feel so utterly awful this morning. He's been telling everyone that she is his soul mate because she likes to go on long walks and bike rides with him. I love long walks and bike rides. He's been telling me that he likes to bike ride alone. I am so sick of how my life is turning out - not a happy bunny at all

Also does this whole exposure/plan b stuff actually work because at the moment all I feel is going to happen is that everyone I know is going to think I'm a deluded mess, everyone I don't know is going to think I'm a lunatic, Hubby and ow will have a great time telling each other what a psychopath I am. One or other of them will lose their jobs. Everyone will hate me, I will hate myself because before at least I could say that this whole situation was something horrible that is happening to me but now I feel that if anything awful happens, I will be the architect of my own downfall. I was just about holding myself and my kids together through this hell. In fact I was proud at how well I was conducting myself. Now I just feel like a total loser. Before, the only person I could really count on was myself and now I can't even do that. I don't think I've ever felt so wretched in my entire life

Jostar, please hold yourself together. It is wrong to have an affair, it is not wrong to tell the truth. You are just spreading the good news. If they lose their jobs, it will be because of their affair! So hang in there and push forward!

And please also send an exposure letter to his family. I don't think they have the truth. Ask them for help.

Well after all the stress I put myself through last night, it was an anti-climax.
A couple of days ago I alluded to hubby that I was going to do something (what I actually did was hug him and say remember that next week)
He sent me an email that night:

Well, I'm sure it never occurred to you when you opened your mouth, but now I'm stressed out about whatever awful thing you've got lined up for me. I didn't enjoy the movie and I can't see me enjoying the rest of the weekend. If you'd said nothing, at least I'd have been happier until whatever's going to happen happened - thanks a bunch!"

Then as you know, last night I exposed as much as I could - no word back from any of his friends/family yet. Some messages from facebook saying they are sorry but they don't know ow very well or haven't seen her for years.
Three text messages from hubby
1) Have you contacted the csa?
I replied "no"
2) Were you saying sorry on Sunday because you PM'ed all ow's friends on facebook?
No answer from me
3)Are you planning on moving abroad with the kids? All I can think about is this thing you alluded to yesterday. I can't concentrate on my work for worrying about it.
No answer from me.

Originally we had both planned to move abroad when stepson was 16. He is now 14 and I think hubby got cold feet - It was aalways my dream to move abroad. When he first "dumped" me he told me that he would be ok if I moved abroad with the kids. I've not mentioned it to him since. I didn't realise it was weighing on his mind.

Next step - plan B - give him letter tomorrow. Send ow the same letter with addendum that I still love him etc.

Actually I have had a number of phone calls with withheld numbers - I've not answered but someone is really trying to contact me!!

I am worried that he will come to the house tonight. I 'm not sure how to handle that

Jostar, did you expose the affair at work?

Yes - not heard anything about that either

How did you do it and to whom did you expose?

I did it to my hubbys boss, and his and her work colleagues. I did it to everyone could find the contacts for

The most impactful workplace exposure targets would be the Human Resources Director, a key VP and/or the owner of the company. Can you get their contact information and get the word out to them asap? You can find this information on thier website, or by calling and asking for their email addresses.

Also, I would strongly suggest you write letters to his family and friends. I don't think they understand what has happened here given their odd reaction. I know there are families are totally morally bankrupt and really don't care, but it is very strange that ALL of them would be so dysfunctional. I think they have the impression this was a mutual decision between you and him.

I would be sending them an email patterned after some of the templates in my exposure thread and -----------------> ASK FOR THEIR HELP IN ENDING HIS AFFAIR!! Tell them your children need an intact family.

His friends and family know full well my side of the story. They know he cheated on me. Non of them approve but they have heard his side of the story and are agreeing to meet her.
What can tell you - I have emailed all of them. Not one has got back to me.
I did follow the templates.
I invited my sister in law around to help me last night with this. She thought I was wrong to send all the emails. She was the one who invited hubby and ow to their bbq and not me. She still says she is on my side but doesn't want to get involved too much. Her hubby - My hubbys brother thinks what I have done is pointless.
This is not the first time my hubby has left a family with young children. He left his ex when her kids were 5 and 2. I don't think any of them ever got over it. I didn't meet him until they had been split up over 18 months. But now he has done it again - I should probably have seen that as a warning sign however his ex was crazy - There has been drugs, drink and child abuse on her part plus they were very very young when they had their first child.
I wonder what a 31 year old woman would want with a man who has run away from 2 families? Also he's had a vasectomy so he can't have kids with her.

I can see his pattern is to dump women and then paint them as "crazy." Now it is your turn to be the crazy one. I am sorry to hear his family is so low down and sorry. I can why he is this way. If my son had an affair, he would be horsewhipped and his hoe would not ever darken my doorstep. Yuck...

I have been thinking of my part in him and his ex breaking up. He told me that they had been apart 18 months when they met and that she was crazy. I had no reason to dispute this. I was wary at first but she did turn out to be a bit mental. Social services have been involved for a long time with her. I have seen this with my own eyes. I wonder now though if they were split up 18 months when I came on the scene. I never felt like the ow but she certainly didn't like me. Now I know that hubby has lied to the new ow about us being split up when they got together.
I worry that I'm in denial about being the ow all those years back and that new ow doesn't see herself that way.
In my instance my hubby was still sleeping with me and telling me he loved me after he had asked ow on a date.
I'm guessing there is no point telling ow any of this story. She probably won't believe it as now I'm the crazy one (as you said)
Perhaps karma is biting me in the [censored] after all these years

I still have no intermediary. There is literally no one who will do this for me. My brother thinks I'm insane to even try (I think this is the general consensus.)
He is due round tomorrow so I need to send the letter to him asap.
This is the letter
Dear Barm,

This is the hardest letter I have ever had to write.

I want to start by telling you that I love you. I have loved you from the start and love you exactly as I did when we married.



I am honestly sorry in creating an environment in which you felt having an affair was the only option. I regret deeply my part in this. I understand now that my actions had you feeling that you had no choices in your life and you needed more "me time".

My desperate need for us to have more "us time" only succeeded in having the opposite effect to my intention I never meant to hurt you but I know I made it difficult for you to really talk to me therefore your emotional needs were un met.



I don't want our marriage to end we had some wonderful times together and a lot of fun. You were my best friend and I would like to have the chance to prove that I can be your best friend again.

I want to do what ever I can to put our lives and marriage back together. I want to do this in a way which will be more honest and beneficial to both of us I want us to grow old together and to be a family again. I believe that this is possible and am willing to truly listen to you. The last few months have been the most emotionally traumatic time I have to go through, the pain I am feeling from your affair is unendurable.



I feel I have found a strength I didn't know I could ever posses and feel proud of myself on how I am providing a safe and loving environment for the children. However every day is a continuing and painful struggle. I feel being in contact with you whilst you are still continuing your affair is an impossibility.



I hope you respect that I can not contact you or speak with you until you are no longer involved with someone else. Any matters regarding the children can be conducted via e mail or text, I will drop them off and wait in the car. You can see them when ever you want but unfortunately not in their house. I will try and minimize the impact of this decision on the children it is about me not them.



They will still be able to call you when they want. I want them to have a great relationship with you. I just can not have any contact with you at all except about the kids or in a emergency. I am needing this time to heal and put my self back together. Please respect that I will only reply to messages about the children. I hope you understand it is because of how difficult I am finding seeing you at the moment.



This decision is for my healing and not as a punishment to you. I know that we are going through divorce. It is not something I want but I feel I have no choice it is not because I don't love you or because I want to end our marriage but because I need to protect myself and the kids. Even if our divorce goes through, the door will still be open for you however I can not keep it open forever. It is up to you if you decide to step through and give us a chance at a healthier more honest and stronger marriage and family. If and when you decide to make a step it will be to someone who can forgive and put the past behind them. Although it must be done alone I can not be committed to you whilst you are still having an affair. Once you have finished and cut all contact from Mel please note I will be there to listen with a view to re building our friendship and marriage.

I love you as always, I walk forward in life I want you to walk with me holding my hand as I always held yours. Jo

Also he seems to be lying at every opportunity, definitely to me, definitely to her at least a couple of times. Probably a lot more.
There is a heck of a lot of deceit - should I address that in the letter?
Also, should I say anything else to ow at all or just send her a copy of this email - sorry for all the questions

My suggested edits. It is usually best to keep them letter somewhat short otherwise waywards don't really understand what they are reading.

What options do you have to assist with a kid exchange? A neighbor? A church member? You have to find a way to completely remove yourself from his presence.

Will your brother agree to be an intermediary and only pass on PERTINENT information about your children and the finances? Surely, someone in your life is normal and decent enough to care about you?? What in the world would be "insane" about cutting off direct contact with your abusive, lying, cheating husband?

When you send the letter, I would include a visitation schedule that is very rigid so you are not having to make endless changes.

Jo, can you notify the mods to merge your 2 threads? That way your info isn't in more than one spot.

How old are your kids? They are little, right?

#ETA - make that, your 3 threads.

Thank you for the edits. I like your version better. He is coming round to the house tomorrow night (for the last time) to put the kids to bed. I will hand write it and give it to him then. This will be the last time I will see him - total non-contact.
Seriously I have no one for this job. If my brother saw my husband at this point he would probably hit him, he lives too far away to help with the kids and doesn't have a computer to pass messages on. His family are totally out of the question. All my friends (that are not his friends too) live miles away, most in other countries. I seriously have no one to do this for me. Actually - there is someone who might do the phone/text/email blocking for me - she lives too far away to drop the kids off but she might agree to the intermediary thing. I'll call her tomorrow

All you need is someone who has a computer and a phone. Your H can email him/her and your IM can SCREEN out superfluous information and pass on pertinent information about the kids and your finances.

In the meantime, make up a visitation schedule and include it with your letter. MAke it for 2 hours on Wednesday and 4 hours on Saturday afternoon, and stipulate in your letter that your children are never to be exposed to his mistress.