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Not sure what to do. ...I think my husband is having an affair again What evidence do you have?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I am not moving to new house with wife and boys. I will get an apt with blowup mattress and give her som e space. I am willing to do what it takes. She had two periods back to back last month and this month barely had one. Also tells me she is hot all the time and might be going thru the change. If she is entering menopause I'm probably in trouble from what I have read. Since she has so many issues with me. Wish me luck.
Last edited by Fordman; 08/20/13 06:19 AM.
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You are making a big mistake giving her space Fordman. If you aren't next to her each day you cannot show her how you've changed. Dating from afar is risky. You have a family. You belong in the same household.
As far as her "change" ... you aren't in trouble. Stop that kind of talk. It's disrespectful. If she is going through that this is an opportunity for you to prove to her how much you love her and how much you've changed. You have changed right? You have figured out what to do to win her back right?
Start a solid Plan A. Meet the needs she will let you meet, conversation, recreational companionship, admirmation, etc.
And snoop, snoop, snoop.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I am not moving to new house with wife and boys. I will get an apt with blowup mattress and give her som e space. I am willing to do what it takes. This is NOT what it takes. Please don't just use your best instincts on this, Fordman. Your best instincts built you a marriage where your wife hates you. Please follow the very REAL help offered on this site. You will NOT do well if you just follow random ideas like moving out - it will be a disaster. I PROMISE you. It will be horrendous for you and your children, not to mention your wife. Please listen. We would not be your friends if we let you do this without warning you that IT WILL BE A DISASTER.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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As far as her "change" ... you aren't in trouble. Stop that kind of talk. It's disrespectful. That's absolutely right! And if you want to save your marriage, you need to eliminate love bank withdrawals - like this kind of disrespectful statement. Start a solid Plan A. Meet the needs she will let you meet, conversation, recreational companionship, admirmation, etc.
And snoop, snoop, snoop. Very, very good advice. How many days has it been since you first posted here? In that time, how many times have you asked your wife out on a date?Are you just going to blog here on this thread while your marriage fails, or start taking the advice and doing the things that can turn your marriage around?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I've done a lot of reading here each night. But my wife bought this house in her name only because of our Florida house is in my name and I was late on 2 payments. She is not letting me move into the new hous, I don't have a choice. I have a key logger on her laptop but once she moves it doesn't email so I have to figure that out. At least that way I would know if she is with someone. All I read now is how she enjoys the flirting guys are doing to her. Of course they are drunk and in bars. But its as if she is experiencing a social life for the first time in 20 years.
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What happens if she finds out about snooping. That won't be good
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What happens if she finds out about snooping. That won't be good She will have to decide how she wants to respond: * acceptance and an integrated happy married life * abuse you to try to make you stop I would be prepared for either one of those. But if you are trying to avoid conflict, you might as well just prepare for divorce.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Did you read the Basic Concepts when you joined here? In the Basic Concepts, you will find a section called the Three States of Mind in Marriage: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.htmlThe three states are: * withdrawal * conflict * intimacy Notice that conflict is between withdrawal and intimacy. She is in withdrawal now. The path back to intimacy is probably going to go through conflict. She may very likely come out fighting! But if you patiently work through that, intimacy is on the other side. Don't fear her anger.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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What if I don't own the home. I dont want to leave my family. But I can see she is overwhelmed and must want her single life.
Last edited by Fordman; 08/20/13 08:00 PM.
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We have always had dinner together. I know this has always been important to her and me. She says she will still be having dinner with them.. I said that is awful I won't. She then says she doesn't want to talk about it.
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Fordman,
Please focus on the things you can do.
We asked a few questions and you haven't really answered them specifically. We're trying to give you a checklist of things you can do to help improve your situation so a response to questions is very helpful to us in providing guidance.
Have you read the Basic Concepts? Have you done any discovery of your LoveBusters and if so what have you done to stop them?
It all starts with you so I'll ask again ... have you changed? Do you understand what your W's ENs are?
What have you been doing to meet the top 3 ENs of Intimate Conversation, Recreational Companionship and Affection . There is a 4th but I suspect SF is off the table.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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We asked a few questions and you haven't really answered them specifically. We're trying to give you a checklist of things you can do to help improve your situation so a response to questions is very helpful to us in providing guidance. Yes, it is extremely unhelpful when we ask questions and you ignore them. We know how to help such situations like this, but it won't do a lot of good if you aren't listening, aren't answering questions, aren't following up on the suggestions we make.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Intimate conversation is hard when she won't talk about us. We have no problem talking about other things but my mind is on the situation at hand.
Recreational companionship- her rec right now is going out with friends. Well see this weekend if she' ll ask me to go with her. We want to take kids to water park this weekend also. We are like kids there.
I don't have a problem with affection. But for many years my affection was directly related to sex. Not anymore. I kiss her before bed and while she is still in bed when I leave in morning. She smiled this morning when idid.
I did read the basics and understand love busters. I screw up when I bring up the move.
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Intimate conversation doesn't have to be about "us". It can be and should be about each of your's hopes and dreams, etc. So be sure you are making a conscious effort to ask leading questions that would get her to open up. Listen intently as that is where you'll find out about her most importants ENs and discover topics of conversations that will help you build more and more conversation.
I know you are at her mercy regarding spending UA time (just you and her) but you certainly can offer invitations for dates.
The flirting she enjoys is bad for your M but that isn't something you can control � not directly or until she gets on board with MB and puts in some EPs. But one thing you can control is what you do with this need she has. Who better to offer admiration and flirt with her than her H.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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I have no problem giving admiration but she has an issue accepting from me.
Should I talk to the guy at her work. I enjoy hanging out together and I don't think he is a threat I think I'm the threat to my marriage. I'm going to buy a remote key logger soon
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I have no problem giving admiration but she has an issue accepting from me. What kind of issue? Does she simply reject it or get angry? Should I talk to the guy at her work. I enjoy hanging out together and I don't think he is a threat I think I'm the threat to my marriage. I'm going to buy a remote key logger soon Get the goods on them before you talk to anyone. If this guy is a predator you don't want him knowing you're on to him until you have evidence of an A.
Last edited by MrAlias; 08/21/13 12:57 PM.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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Intimate conversation is hard when she won't talk about us. We have no problem talking about other things but my mind is on the situation at hand. Intimate conversation should not be about the relationship or about conflicts (any difference of opinion over what course you should take). It should be enjoyable. It should be informative (you learn each other's opinions or feelings on the subject). Here is Dr. Harley's guide to intimate conversation. There are four "friends" to practice including, and four "enemies" to practice avoiding. The most recent edition of His Needs, Her Needs has an update of this material in the conversation chapter. Read and reread the friends and enemies of good conversation daily. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I don't think he is a threat When she has a male friend it is a threat to your marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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