I've always been strong & independent, now in my time of need, everyone brushes me off, saying 'your strong you'll work it out & get thru it!!' My marriage is failing, it chokes me up to type these words. Two years ago everything seemed on track and no issues ...then ...breast cancer, surgery, chemo & radiation & now a husband that does not like the sight of me, I have to admit I have self image issues also as I am simply 'unsightly' & the open honesty has caused a major rift between us, nothing is fun or easy or kind now.....it's like living with a stranger who makes you feel very uncomfortable, life has turned into an existence, we are struggling to work out the first step as 'what was said' cannot be 'unsaid' and has cut me to the bone, I doubt I can ever forgive nor forget. is there any hope for us? how can we start (and don't say forgive as it's not happening!)

Was one of the things he said something like "I love you (or care about you) but I'm not in love with you?"

When did things start going badly - 2 years ago, 1, a few months?

I am sorry for the pain you are going through.

What was said?

Have you read this?

Can't we Just Forgive and Forget? (part 1)
Can't we Just Forgive and Forget? (part 2)
Can't we Just Forgive and Forget? (part 3)

maxmax, we're here to help you if we can, but you'll have to give us more information to work with than this. This sounds like a vent. Is there something we can do for you? Would you like help from us? We're going to need more info than you have supplied.

thanks appreciate your responses, I'm not venting but I do feel protective of myself as I've been hurt & the details are so personal & upsetting. I feel so low and sad, but appreciate your support. I have read letters 1,2,3 and they speak about forgiveness for something that happened in the past...when this is slightly different. My Husband has been open & honest which I should be grateful for ....but it has cut me to the bone by saying that I look 'hideous' now after cancer surgery. I had a bilateral mastectomy and I have a horrid scar across my chest - it's unsightly for sure and I have body image issues now, so I'm not quite sure why I expected my husband to show more understanding and support - & CONVINCE ME that it did not look that bad and that we could deal with it together - but he didn't & doesn't feel that way. Two therapists that I have spoken to, suggested I leave him. I'm lost as to what to do, as we have been together for 34 years, but now live as strangers in the same house, with this horrible tension. My scars have healed but I still look dreadful, clearly my husband cannot stand the look of me... I feel doomed to an existence without love or affection, just need to understand if there are any steps to fix this situation?

***EDIT***

I think the first question should be whether or not maxmax even WANTS reconstructive surgery....


BV

I am very sorry for your health ordeal.

That said, please be a little more specific.

Did you ask him how you look and he said "You look hideous"?

Or did YOU say something along the lines of "God, I feel hideous", and your H did not respond the way that you hoped?

Has he SAID that he cannot stand the sight of you? If he hasn't, it's actually a disrespectful judgment to assume that.

The situation is challenging, but it CAN be overcome together.

Brokenvase, she asked whether there was a way to fix the situation.

Maxmax,

Openness and honesty does not include disrespect. Part of the reason some of us want to know what was said is to help you decide what steps to take next.

Did you have surgery, etc., then he stopped being affectionate? It appears that when your body changed, he stopped meeting your needs. Is that true? Have you been working on meeting his needs and he turns it away? This problem is not just yours to solve alone. What does your husband say now? Does he say he wants to improve your marriage?

thank you all for trying to help, really appreciated!....it's all so complicated, nothing in this cancer process has been easy, I know I'm not the only one going thru this process there are many other women facing similar challenges!! but it's been a long two years ....I was hoping for a simple tumor removal but I have an aggressive cancer and was advised to treat it aggressively - a bilateral mastectomy, chemo then radiation then ovaries removed to reduce estrogen which ended in an unplanned hysterectomy due to complications. it was a hard lonely fight by myself. My husband turned me away the day I found out I had a lump and suspected Cancer - initially I thought it was just shock, as it was a very emotional time for both of us & we have both lost close loved ones family & friends to cancer & we were very worried about the future. Then it became obvious when I was having surgery and my husband visited daily but only for half an hour each day and was very distant ....when he could have stayed longer & been more supportive, it was very upsetting, I expected it was all too much for him ....and there has been no affection since the day I found the lump. I often think that if I had said nothing about the lump ...I would have had a happier (possibly shorter) life rather than the unhappy (possibly longer)life I face now. I admit, I was very unhappy after the surgery as it is very confronting to have your breasts removed - losing so much of your sexuality in such a barbaric way. I did admit to my husband that I looked and felt hideous and I asked him to tell me the truth - how did he feel? I was deeply saddened when he said that he agreed that I looked hideous. Reconstruction is not on the cards yet ...and may never be (but I am hopeful that is may be) as I am dealing with chronic nerve pain from the surgery (which is common) and needs to be under control first....ho hum...I should mention that I work full time and do all the regular household chores, I'm meeting everyone's expectations, but it's like I do the doing but with no joy or happiness....it's amazing how everything feels so empty without love in your life. My husband & I go out with friends, to dinner or whatever...to the movies etc .....just as if nothing has changed, except there is no affection, no glances, no plans about the future, only small talk, or talk about work, it's like we are coping on the outside but the spark has gone. maybe it's over and I just want to believe it. I'm not sure I can add much more....can our marriage be saved? What are the steps we need to start us off in the right direction out of this void? appreciate your comments.....

So he never said you look hideous? He agreed with your description?

That is very different to insulting you. I know you need more from him but for right now, try to keep things in perspective.

Are you happy with your appearance? Do you want change? Would you and your husband brainstorm some ideas for changes together?

I know it is hard but there are many times in a marriage when physical appearance needs to be discussed as couple.


What was your husband doing when not visiting you? Do you know how he spent his time and where he was?

Sorry I've just read that you are considering reconstruction possibly in the future. Is your H aware of this and does he feel involved in the decision?

Yes, your marriage can be saved! The two of you need to learn to meet each other's most important emotional needs and spend enough time doing it.

Here are some articles to help you - have you read the Basic Concepts here yet?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Just wanted to add: its quite normal to feel distant if you two haven't spent time together over a period.

Its also normal for a marriage to feel a little bruised and battered after what you've been through.

You can rebuild.