I know I can go full force Exposure, in reading it and looking at all of the evidence I have there is zero to back any PA and no abuse of company time or resources.

This is not me trying to get out of it. I am trying to decide how to best attack this. They had lots of phone conversations over a few months. They weren't on company time. I have checked his schedule on his work computer and he called her early (before work and after work and sometimes during lunch)So I am struggling with what to say if I expose at work.

My gut says that at minimum I should plan this carefully so I have been acting normal. I know how to expose to her BF and Family and some friends along with our friends (my best friend has told me I'm being childish to consider such a rash act).

His workplace Exposure seems tricky since her physical location is so far away and their personal contact was not considered "work hours" plus she is not a true subordinate as she is in another division of the company altogether. These are not excuses they are just fact. Workplace exposure will embarrass him perhaps enough to resign to avoid it. But must it be done or can he just resign? I struggle with that.

If I expose to all of her and our personal contacts but not his workplace wouldn't that have a trickle effect?

Please go back and carefully read ML's post again.

The strategy is to first expose to all your friends and family and ask them for their help in ending his affair. Make sure you have the evidence to back this up; keep it in a safe place. You are not asking anyone to take sides. Rather, you are asking them to put pressure on your H to end a very destructive and stupid act that is terribly hurtful to you and will undoubtedly end in a bad way for him anyway. You are also asking for support for yourself in this very very difficult time.

Not all of them will understand or care what you're doing. Your friend doesn't know how to survive infidelity and doesn't understand the importance of exposure.

Secrecy will help promote the affair. Exposure brings the sordid thing to the light.

Don't tell him about the exposure you will do. Just do it. He will start to get some feedback, hopefully, that will put pressure on his affair.

Expose to her side as well. Her BF will certainly want to know and others in her life will be disgusted and urge her stop what she is doing.

When he fumes and gets angry about the exposure, that's when you tell him that the first step in recovering from the affair MUST be NO CONTACT for the rest of his life with this OW. And that if he doesn't find a way to end this contact, you will expose to his job in a month.

He can resign without your workplace exposure. If you expose to the OW's side, perhaps she will end up quitting her job.

Thank you longway, that was my general understanding. Personal exposure will obviously impact everything. I am bracing for what comes afterward, struggling with seeing an attorney so I am prepared for a full financial lockdown in case of the worst. I fear he will move out and I want to be prepared for that.

I don't know if it is wrong to prepare for the worst in this case. But given the reckless turn he has started here I don't count on my rational spouse coming back anytime soon. It has been better. But in reality only because its been all about him and what makes him happy.

It's a very good idea to plan for separation, just in case. And seeing a lawyer will help you get all the info you will need to prepare for this potential outcome.

So, yes, get your financial and legal affairs in order for that scenario. Meanwhile, be a wonderful wife and avoid all LBs. If you DO have to enter Plan B, you want him to miss you.

It seems either way I have a long road ahead of me. I can't express how much the kindness of "strangers" in this forum has meant at this sad point in my life.

I am formulating my plan and will update. I welcome any input and will reread as much as I need to before I make any moves.

Yes, plan carefully, but plan to do this quickly. The longer this goes on the harder it will be to bust up the affair. A PI can usually get the goods in 1 to 2 days.


It doesn't have to be done if he resigns and leaves within one month.


You can't operate on the basis on "what ifs." It may be exposed on their anonymous hotline today.

Agree with this, but want to point out that this is not something that needs to be done NOW. FIRST, get solid evidence and expose the affair. Give him the ultimatum about leaving the job in 30 days. If he won't do that, THEN you should make plans to separate and go into Plan B. There is small chance you will separate, but most couples DON'T.

*IF* you have to expose at work, you say this:


THEY will make the determination about the use of workplace resources to conduct their affair. I have no doubt that they were in contact during the day. Just think, you only know what you found on his work computer and his cell phone before work. They could have seen each other in person and/or talked on the landlines all day.

You have not collected enough evidence to know that he hasn't had a PA or abused company time or resources. I know you don't want to assume the worst, but it is illogical to rule out the possibility of a PA just because you haven't found proof of it yet.

Melody I AM prepared to tell him he must leave his position if he wants to save our marriage. I am struggling with what I learned and wondering if he has what it takes to make it work. My opinion of him has changed. If he is no longer who I thought, do I want who he now is? Something I must decide. It will be based on his actions.

I did my investigating for quite a while. Her location for both work and home are almost 3 hours away. All work calls and e-mails are closely monitored and screened (he knows this)So, if there is more there it will come out. In my investigation, I was able to zero in on his approx. location (within a few miles) and hers during phone calls (via cell tower location) they were always hours away. I have 18 months of phone history and the contact started in late April of this year. Built up in May and tapered off in June. By July he was his old self and the contact dropped off. The VAR placed in his vehicle and his home office did their job. I literally heard his side of the conversation not intimate but friendly. As did his GPS and his vehicles Navi and Bluetooth phone link. That aside, it was a violation. Friends are never "secret" He did wrong. So all of the examples of exposing what I know seem a bit hollow since I have been able to look at his calendar and know he has not seen her in person, much less alone that I could prove.

His Admin. schedules his meetings and updates his calendar. He keeps a detailed Daytimer that I have gone into his trunk to look through. One of our best friends works for and with him and he would actually tell me and I asked. I also have some other friends who know this girl and would tell me if she was working in the area.

So given the data that I have right now, exposure on a personal level seems justified and right.

I love the man I married, I don't know if I love the man he is right now. If this is the future with all the uncertainty about what he'll do if he does not fully commit to the policies and work outlined on this site (which are the kind of marriage I want and would fight for). Honestly I'm tired of being in constant investigate mode. It is disturbing to be so distrusting. I don't know that I can survive a marriage based on constant nagging distrust.

A PA would be less disturbing to me (and easier to understand)than the EA. I've done a lot of reading and that seems to be common. So I am not denying a PA out of fear or ignorance, just my in depth investigation and detailed reconstruction have not led me there. If it has gone there it will come out. If he is at any point found out to be dishonest about anything (from here forward) I KNOW he has been dishonest. I am done. No more lies, even a lie of omission is a lie.

You don't understand what you are dealing with though. We are not asking you to accept what "he is now," but what he WAS. Your husband is under the spell of the addiction of an affair. An affair is an addiction. That man is not your husband. We know that. He is just like the alcoholic whose personality changes when he slips into the depth of his addiction. But once he is separated from the source of his addiction, he goes back to his normal self.

If you stick with us, we will help you do everything to kill this affair. Once the affair is killed and the OW is out of his life, he will change back to the man you knew. And if he doesn't, we will help you get away from him.

The steps we are encouraging you to take take both outcomes into consideration.

And you may decide you want to leave your marriage. That is your choice. But the recipe is the same. You still have to expose the affair unless your goal is to cover up the affair for the OW and your husband, which allows the affair to thrive.

Thanks Melody, it has been a long road to here. So I know those posting here understand my pain. Also I know that you all know better than me. I will expose plan to do so within the next few days. Planning and doing it are difficult steps to take.

The addiction metaphor makes the most sense to describe the change. For all of you who have walked through this and come out the other side, I am in awe. This has been so difficult, and I know how much work I have yet to do one way or the other my life will never be the same. I still have hope it can be better with or without him I have endured a lot life.

For all of you who take the time to read patiently and post to all of us confused newbies...you are truly giving a huge gift. You helping others with your private and painful life experience. You really may never know who you are touching with your words.

I will pose back when I write my exposure letter.

badway, what is your actual evidence of the affair? Where did he actually go when he paid cash for his business trip?

I have no evidence of a PA at all, he went on one overnight business trip recently that I found his hotel receipt for. His online schedule and other records back up where he was. He had a meeting a few hours away. I recently gained access to his office and expense records. He submitted detailed expense reports and other information lines up. He spoke to her by phone while he was gone overnight and her cell tower showed she was further away than I was. So that was the one PA flag I found and it is not showing to have been anything solid at all. Every possible lead has been investigated.

So zero (real) evidence of a PA plenty showing an EA. She has a job where day to day interaction during the workday is hard (she is a technical instructor and is teaching adults in a company facility) I can view the schedules as it is part of his overall system I can log into on his laptop. So I am pretty confident that given the data I gathered I may have caught on to something very early.

Call me crazy or stupid, and it does not make me feel any better. But I don't think it ended up physical. If she lived or worked locally I would think it much more likely to have happened and I've been watching him for a while and he had NO clue. Dropping in at work checking his office while I wait (I have a key to his desk but have to enter his office through several Admins. and security) so there are logs of visitors. It isn't that hard to sit at the front and scan the book, there is even a program that records security swipes of Employee badges that I have looked at).

In any case there was dishonesty and a betrayal of the marriage. Even if he didn't turn to her for physical needs she was meeting others. I know she is well aware that he is married and even who I am. He has a pretty high profile so his "status" is well known. She has to realize she was crossing a line too. I don't blame her but her boyfriend deserves to know what she is up to he can decide what to do about it.

I am not following you here. How does any of this rule OUT a PA? I can understand this does not indicate there WAS, but am not following your line of reasoning that it rules it out.


How do you know her cell tower location?

Do you have actual evidence of an affair? An emotional affair, which would be characterized by a romantic relationship.

What makes you think they didn't hook up when he was lying about having meetings, going to the office, running late, etc? She could have easily come to the office [without signing in] or met him locally.

Can you specific about what this evidence IS? And where did they meet?

You do realize that if he knows you are snooping that that resource is rendered useless? His knowing only helps him find another way, such as a secret cell phone, secret email account.

Well in order for there to be a PA there would have to be some evidence where they were in the same area and had some freedom to be alone. I haven't found that. She is as I said several hours away. So since this was recent and there is no time unaccounted for I don't see evidence of a PA.

When I check our phone bill online I can check call details and it tells me what cell towers each phone was using at the time the call was made. Since we have spotty coverage in some areas the ping off of the cell towers happened to be detailed quite frequently. So I can see when he was driving where he was and match it up to my calendar, what he said and where he was. I then have mapped her call origination cell tower locations they don't line up with her being local. He was not
"missing" enough for a PA to make sense.