You keep saying her "culture", no I am speaking about her "religion". Islam. Religion, Culture and lifestyle all included. It has far more serious meaning to it than you currently assume. Again, not a "culture", It's Islam. It doesn't matter if she doesn't wear hijab, she is a muslim and I am sure that her family is "practicing" muslims.

Islam is VERY important to them. They don't want a man for their daughter/sister who doesn't know what it means to be a muslim man and can't practice islam on the same level as they do.

Will you be praying 5 times a day when you are supposed to? Will you be fasting during the month of Ramadan? Will you be donating 2.5% of your capital assets on an annual basis? Will you make the hajj? Do you know what else is required of you at all to "marry into Islam"?

Or you have no intention of converting because her cousin married a non muslim man and even though she was disowned but was taken back in after a while? Are you hoping that you and she would be eventually accepted? It's your right to dream but it is a very risky gamble that the posibility of your win is very slim to none.

Her cousin's husband may have been a Christian but at least he was Lebanses and who knows, he may have converted to Islam later.

Of course her brothers can do whatever they want to do and she can't. That's how it goes in Islam.

They say her future husband has to be Lebanese. You are not and there is nothing you can do about it.

They will never accept you for that reason alone and now they know that you slept with her.. Don't expect her to "wake up" and "fight for love" against her family. She just won't.

We all wish love would conquer all but it doesn't. You both need to be compatible on as many aspects as possible. Cultural and religious difference are a huge obstacle.

She and I are compatible on how we see things.

You say that her religion is of major importance to her..its not. its of importance to her family. Her family is of importance to her. She and I talk religion. She does not go to mosque on Friday,even when I mentioned that she should go to make her parents happy.

She DOES NOT believe. Its one of the things we bonded on, as I was raised in a deeply religious Christian household and am Agnostic. I mentioned doing things her parent's religion wanted to please her, she doesn't want it.
The MOST she wanted was a traditional 3 day marriage ceremony.

No offense, but you seem to think you know her better than I do, when I've been with her for 3 years.

My whole goal in coming here was not to be beaten up regarding sleeping with her.
It was not to be beaten up regarding my lack of knowledge of her religious upbringing.

It was to learn to be a better man in supporting her through this hard time. To learn how to speak with her, and let her know she has my support no matter WHAT she decides.
I mentioned her background so that you all would know where she is coming from and help me to support her.

So far I've had 3 people give me sound advice from MB on POJ and love banking. That's it.

The rest railed at me for having sex with a woman I love. Heck she is a grown woman, she knew what she was doing too! it takes two people to make love. TWO. I'm not saying I have no fault, but I was not the only person in bed that day.

I do not want to know how to be Muslim, because I am not. She barely is.
I love this woman for who she is. The smart, nerdy, loving woman she is. She told me she fell for me because when she is with me, she doesn't have to put on a front about who she is. She can be herself. That I liked her for her own personality, not the face she put on for her family.

I will NOT make her be some submissive woman for a man to control. I will not make her do things she doesn't want to do, like pray to a god she doesn't believe in several times a day or go on a trip to a place the placed her in a subservient position. I will NOT treat her the way her brother treats his wife, just for the sake of appearance.
So no, I'm not going to be Muslim. I'm going to be the man she fell in love with.

So please, give me advice on how to support her, not on how to become a representative of what she left.

You don't get my point.

It's not about you and her. It doesn't matter if she doesn't believe in Islam, It is about her family who won't approve you and she can't cut them off. You acknowledge the fact that her family is very important to her, she is at a point where she feels she has to choose one over the other and she is already so unhappy that she is depressed.

You don't seem to understand that there are other cultures in which people think and feel differently. What was ok with your family clearly is not ok with hers here.

I am not trying to offend you, I am just stating the fact that you can't tell poeple how to feel, what to like. If her family doesn't like you, they don't. For the reasons that are valid to them.

I don't know her at all but I am speaking from my own experiences. I was born and raised in a different country and a different culture so yes, I do know very well what kind of situation she is in. There are things that are out of your control and sometimes you just need to accept it and let go.

Compatibility also means the less obstacles and difficulties you would have to deal with.

I honestly don't know what you can do to make her feel better. I will withdraw if I were you. The obstacle is just far too huge.

Good luck.

Well I'm not going anywhere unless she tells me to. So...no thanks for that advice.

I don't know if it will be helpful or not, but here are Dr. Harley's articles on how to resolve a religious conflict between husband and wife. They do illustrate how to resolve any conflict (difference of opinion) in general. Religious conflicts are some of the most serious in a marriage. In fact that is the example conflict Dr. Harley used to use in premarital counseling: "Suppose one of you converts to another religion - how would you decide what to do, how to raise your children, etc.?"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5039_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5039b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5040a_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5040b_qa.html

Sure she can, although that is a very drastic step and she may not be willing to take it.

I echo taka's concerns about the difference between culture and religion, although I also notice the point that the lady in this case is not a believer. It's still an important distinction to keep in mind when dealing with the family. These are not just cultural differences / preferences.

Regarding the possibility of threat of violence from the family, if this is a very real threat, you should take steps to protect yourself such as contacting the law, etc.

taka, while I'm sure your perspective on Islam is appreciated and valuable in this situation, please be aware that this website is about learning and discussing Marriage Builders concepts, so please be sure to keep your advice in line with those concepts.

This girl does have a right to choose not to be Muslim anymore if she desires. Her family certainly has a right to cut off contact with her if they choose. And vice versa. Nobody has a right to be violent or to threaten violence toward her or her boyfriend. Such threats should not be validated in any way shape or form. It doesn't matter how religiously or culturally important something is - that doesn't grant people the right to be violent toward others.

Did you listen to this?

Have you and girlfriend used POJA?

Her depression and fear sound serious.

She is, in essence, withdrawing from the relationship due to the reality of her life of origin meeting her current life.

Do not force her to choose you but be supportive and understand if she decides to break with you.

Be strong.

I agree and also suspect there is more to this story than we have been told here. You may have outlived your usefulness to the family who have decided to dump you. She may be coming to terms with this.

Yes. Thats what spurred the conversation we had in which she told me it didnt matter.


Tried, but she isnt "enthusiastic" about any approach. I'm pretty much trying to jump at anything she suggest, though I supposed that isnt the best method.
We haven't come to a solution and she is truly happy about.


I'm not. I told her I support her decision, even if that decision is to not be with me. I'm not sure how she took that. She just looked at me like I grew 3 heads.


There isn't must else to this story. I'm being open and honest about things.
As far as usefulness, the most usefulness I had was to loan money when it was needed for some issues that were had. Her father was the only one who knew about this, which is why i suspect he took my interest in his daughter seriously.
Her brothers and my family know nothing of this, and we're keeping it that way.

Thanks for all the advice, I'll keep you guys updated.

She is definitely coming to terms with her 'two lives' not easily flowing together and though she is not religious, it may be that this is too big of an obstacle for your relationship.

Love is created by emotional needs being met.

Women have the emotional needs of

financial support (you seem good there)
family commitment (this is the big nightmare here that is problematic for you no matter what you wind up doing)
conversation (you have done well, but not the family thing is building walls between you and her)
affection (you did well but now her family is creating emotional confusion that will not resolve with any ease or safety. She is distancing herself from you meeting this need)
openess and honesty (you have probably done well with this too)

All five needs need to be met well for a happy woman and I don't see how you can control the ones that are now having a gap in them.

You did not create the mess and tried to be proactive to properly do things.....having families seem agreeable BUT her entire family is creating humungous obstacles to smoothing out the gaps.

She is not going to be a happy woman any time soon.

There is no fix for this.

You have emotional needs too by the way (read the basic concepts link at the top of the page).

Generally men's needs are

sexual fulfillment
recreational companionship
domestic support
admiration

Hi! If I was in the same situation I would need constant reassurance from you that your not going anywhere, start reading Fall in Love, Stay in Love with her to show and comfort her that you Know what it takes to make her happy even if she has to cut ties with family. She is depressed because she loves you and them but they might make her choose.
The more She understands about the love bank -the more I believe she will have confidence that her life can still be awesome with you.
That would be my focus, read to her the book, discuss, comfort her that you aren't going anywhere and will always put her first and would like her to as well. She needs time to come to terms, think of it as if she is grieving as if her family just died.... She has to see she will be happy, cared for with being put first, UA time, POJA, etc and needs to learn how all this works. Fall in love has a great part on in laws....

Using MB, I believe you have a great chance! I would stop all the I will let you go stuff, she is looking at losing her family and needs to know more than anything, you won't desert her.
My 2 cents