Hi all. This is my first post on this site. Any help or advice is appreciated. I had written about my wife's affair on another site. During our recovery I had came across this site and felt the advice from both Dr. Harley and the users was better. I will give a quick recap of our life together and the affair and then move on to what is bothering me most right now.

My wife and I have been married since the beginning of 2004. We have been together since the age of 17, which is 16 years now. We have 3 wonderful kids aged 6, 5, and 2.

D-day was December 17, 2012. Without getting into the long story, here's how we got here. The "affair" was actually 3 kisses over a 4 year period. She told me about a kiss when we were having a discussion about if anybody had ever hit on us, if we were ever approached by somebody else for a date, etc. It was a harmless conversation when she told me she was kissed by another guy she kind of knew at a Christmas party. My wife worked at a courthouse and she said the guy ran papers back and forth for a law firm. She said they were friendly, hi and bye, some small talk. When I asked his name, she gave me his first name and said she didn't remember his last name. This was an instant red flag as my wife never forgets things like that. I did some investigating and found a match with the first name on Facebook. I checked it out and there was a conversation between the two that took place a little a after the Christmas party. Being it was time stamped it help me verify some things she would tell me later. Anyway, the conversation was of him telling her how good she looked at the party and him trying to see where he stood with her. Her replies were spread out over days even though she had been posting to her wall everyday, whereas his responses were immediate. Her responses also seemed to try to end the conversation. I took this in to consideration when listening to her story.

It turned out that the guy actually worked in a different department of the courthouse and was not a runner and she obviously knew his last name. I was curious as to why she would lie about those things so I started interrogating her (I work in law enforcement, so that is what I did exactly). I started asking her more questions, getting inconsistent answers, using those inconsistent answers on her later, telling her she said things she didn't. She is a horrible liar, and I knew how to expose it. It took a few hours but I got a confession of a second kiss, which actually predated the first kiss. That kiss was again described a kiss by him while they waited for a train, that after a few seconds she thought better of.

I still wasn't satisfied that the truth was completely out, as the last trickle truth was really pointless. I could see there was more but she wouldn't budge. One day later I told her that if she wasn't honest with me I was going to leave. She said she was being honest. At that point I told her we were making an appointment for a polygraph test. It was at this point that she came totally clean. There was actually a kiss that predated the first two. It was at a Christmas party in 2005. This kiss involved him moving in on her and her not denying his advance. It also included some up the shirt feeling up on her, which she told me she move his hands from. His hands then made their way***EDIT** which she pushed away. He made one last attempt ***EDIT*** which she said she stopped right away. The kiss was more than 5 minutes but less than 10 minutes. It was ended when somebody went into the room they were in.

So after all the crying, apologizing, and other fun stuff that comes with things like this, I was satisfied that the truth was told. Her stories have been consistent, the guilt she feels is evident, the sorrow she has is genuine.

Here's where things get tricky. There was no emotional affair. She did work with this guy, but only saw him by chance if they passed at work. Their departments didn't work together, there is no interoffice email, there was no phone number in her phone, no strange numbers on past phone bills. It was what it was when she fully confessed. She got drunk at a Christmas party in 2005. Kissed this guy and got felt up. Had little to no contact at work. He tied to walk her to the train at a mutual friends birthday and tried to kiss her. They kissed for seconds when she said no. He tried to kiss her at a Christmas party in 2009, she pulled away as soon as their lips touched. He tried to contact, she ignored without being rude. No lunch dates, no funny business other than what she said.

I was upset. I believed her and I knew when she said there was never anything more than the one kiss and two "attempt" kisses she was telling the truth. The problem was I wanted her to leave her job. I didn't feel comfortable with him there and the chance of me ever meeting him at a work get together through her friends would not have went well for him. Her co-workers weren't friends. She rarely hung out with them outside of work, and didn't see anything wrong with what she did as I found out by texting them under the guise of my wife, with my wife's permission.

To make this story a bit shorter, she left the job. But we now can't afford the things we used to do. We were looking for a house, now we can't afford one. The kids are in private school, we may have to remove them. Our life has changed and I blame her. She knows I have some resentment towards her for our financial situation, but not the full picture. Our marriage is stronger than ever though. We are so open and communicate so well. We are very happy in each others company. The thing is, owning a house was a big dream of ours. The kids in pvt school was non-negotiable. I fear these things may wear on me and eventually on us. Did I do the right thing? Should I have handled things differently? I am so distraught. I am more upset about our current situation then I was about the kissing. Am I too hung up on material things? Any insight is appreciated.

Sorry for the long post

PS I know people may ask if we resolved the issues the lead to the affair and the answer is yes. Like I stated our lines of communication have been solid. We are in a great place spiritually and emotionally right now.

Broken, you stun me. You're in law enforcement and accepted your WW's words over a polygraph?? WHY did you not have her sit for a polygraph??

So, you're totally happy together. Your WW left her job. But then

What is it you are upset about, really?

Then I guess my questions to you are "Why are you here? What are you looking for? How can we help you??"

Broken,

Does the OM have a wife or Girl Friend, and has she been told, frankly it would have been better for you to run OM out of his job.

Have you considered a lawsuit?

God Bless
Gamma

Hi Broken, welcome to MArriage Builders. I don't think you understand that you have averted disaster by getting her out of there. You are mourning over a delay in getting a new house. If she had not left the job, you would be mourning an ongoing affair, a divorce and a broken family. So the price of not having a new house pales in comparison to what you were facing.

Your wife had a PHYSICAL AFFAIR with this man. MAke no mistake. And he was planning on pursuing her every day until the affair became more entrenched. Your wife enjoyed the attention and every day was a fresh opportunity for the OM to pursue her further. Your wife didn't push him away either.

So pat yourself on the back for averting what would have been the biggest disaster in your life and that of your childrens! You saved their family and I want to applaud you, Sir!!


This is where you really have some work to do. "Communicating" is a favored buzzword in marriage circles, but it doesn't keep marriages together. Even the best "communicators" end up divorced. Romantic love is what keeps marriages together. That is the difference between Marriage Builders and other programs: if followed the program will restore the romantic love in your marriage. If your marriage is not 10x better AFTER the affair, then your marriage is not really recovered. So please use this program to recover your marriage. It really does work!

I decided against the poly because it wasn't needed. She set up the appointment that I canceled. There comes a time when you know the truth when you see it. I knew the lie, I also knew the truth. As to what I'm looking for, I guess I need to know I did the right thing. There was no more than hi/bye communication with him for over 3 years. Living in NYC, throwing away a $70k salary is tough to swallow. If things don't work out, even though I don't see that happening, did I just make things even tougher on myself and the kids? I'm just second guessing myself, maybe I should have just confronted him and left it at that.

@Gamma

That's where I'm second guessing myself. But if I confronted him and it would have become physical, I'm screwed at work. I don't think you can sue for being a jerk.

@melody

We are very much in touch romantically. We have at least 4 hours a day on weekdays to ourselves, and probably between 6 and 8 on weekends. We have taken up running and yoga together. I just don't know if I can be happy withoyt those other things

Would you be happier with an affair and a divorce, though? Because that is where you were headed. I would stop brooding over the job and be grateful that you saved your marriage. A job can be replaced, this marriage cannot.