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I didn't really choose to trick him. He actually Didnt find out about my child until after we was already separated. We separated because I lied about the financial business being mine and my ex husbands. I chose to be completely honest about everything and told him about my child and being raped after we were separated and had started counseling.
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Ss83,
There is a concept on MB known as radical honesty, and it's not something you can take lightly, it means you don't lie about ANYTHING EVER for ANY REASON. Please read up on it. If you spent $30 on lunch don't say you spent $23 etc.
Was the biological fathers betrayed wife ever told?
I understand your BHs problem he had a very difficult time trusting and now you've made him unsure he can ever be in any kind of relationship again.
God Bless
Gamma
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I didn't go back to him because he drug me out of the house the day we separated and we fought very bad. One day he wants to make us work the next he is angry. So I thought we needed counseling before I moved back in.
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Just a suggestion, ss83, you have much less of a chance getting him back if you play the "poor childhood" card. That will tell him that you are blaming your poor childhood rather than taking accountability for your poor ADULT behavior.. Very few people fall for the "childhood" card these days. It is a distraction and a justification for poor behavior and most people recognize it as such.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I didn't really choose to trick him. He actually Didnt find out about my child until after we was already separated. We separated because I lied about the financial business being mine and my ex husbands. I chose to be completely honest about everything and told him about my child and being raped after we were separated and had started counseling. If you didn't tell him the truth about your past you did trick him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok I will read it. I'm not disagreeing with what I did or saying it was right. I just need to be honest with all mistakes I shave made so I can fix my problems and try to mend my relationship with him or more on and never make the mistakes I have made now.
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Ss83,
On the practical side of things, ask him to write out every question he can think of in a notebook, leave room on each page for your answer.
Then offer to get a polygraph where the operator asks you if what you wrote in the book was truthful and complete. Offer you BH an annulment if you don't pass.
God Bless
Gamma
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Ss83,
I suspect your BH became annoyed when he noticed you lying about little things, this was long before the big event, when he found out about bigger things he just collapsed with fear that he had married another liar.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 08/20/13 08:28 PM.
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We separated because I lied about the financial business being mine and my ex husbands. So why did you lie about the the business being jointly owned? Did that have anything to do with your childhood? I can't think of a single reason to lie about owning a business jointly with your ex. However, with your already closed friendship with your ex, when your H found out that you had lied about owning the business with him, no wonder he was incensed. I wouldn't be surprised if he thought you were lying because you were emotionally involved with your ex, too. Why on earth did you do this?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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My ex husband is very controlling and our past involves FBI, crimes e has committed and I am not really involved with him because I want to be in a relationship it's because of my kids and he is the only one that ever catches me financially when I fall. He will not allow me to move on with life and be married Because of his feelings for me. In his mind I am his and always will be. I just now completely severed all dealings with him. And stood up on my own. He is involved in my last because he is the one that rescued me from my abusive home and we got married when I was 16. I don't love him the way he loves me I just never would turn him loose more of my insecurities I had and carried into my marriage after me and my ex was divorced for 7 years
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I now see his side of how his feelings are from you guys helping me. It makes me feel horrible. I never understood his side at all. He Didnt tell me about his bankruptcy until after we was married and I just looked t it as we both made mistakes and we could be ok. I am now seeing more of the whole picture. I have just been seeing hurt and pain from us being apart.
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So in other words, you were addicted to your ex-husband and wanted him in your life. He will not allow me to move on with life and be married Because of his feelings for me. But you are an adult and did not need his permission. So this has nothing to do with him "allowing" you because he does not have that power. I can see why your husband would be very leery after hearing excuses like this coupled with the "childhood abuse" card.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My ex husband is very controlling and our past involves FBI, crimes e has committed and I am not really involved with him because I want to be in a relationship it's because of my kids and he is the only one that ever catches me financially when I fall. He will not allow me to move on with life and be married Because of his feelings for me. In his mind I am his and always will be. I just now completely severed all dealings with him. And stood up on my own. He is involved in my last because he is the one that rescued me from my abusive home and we got married when I was 16. I don't love him the way he loves me I just never would turn him loose more of my insecurities I had and carried into my marriage after me and my ex was divorced for 7 years Are you saying that your ex loves you and sees you as his and that you always will be his? How do you expect any man you marry to feel about the fact that you have a close relationship with your ex, and that you would "never turn him loose"? How do you expect to rebuild your new marriage as long as you are in contact with a man to whom you were once married, and who loves you and will never let you go, even though you are married to someone else now?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Ss83,
Another concept you need to wrap you head around is NC, NO CONTACT, all dealings with your exH need to go through someone else no direct contact of any kind.
It is very popular to believe that we can remain friends with Ex Lovers, but this is extremely dangerous to any future relationships.
God Bless
Gamma
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Ok. So I need to find someone to be the mutual person in my relationship with my ex h as far as the kids are concerned. Is that what your saying? And how do I do that?
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I just re read all the responses. I am not sure I should even pursue trying to make my relationship work with him. I have made so many mistakes and probably scarred him for life this has broke my heart. Maybe I need to just try to continue counseling and fix myself instead of dragging him through more pain. I evidently still have so many issues I never seen until y'all helped me tonight. I have been so selfish and blinded by my own ideas and solutions. I didn't really want I fix me I just wanted him back. I need to fix me before I can work on us and I am sure by then it will be to late for us.
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Ss83,
It can just mean the kids are dropped off/ picked up at your Mothers house and you leave before ExH arrives. He can contact you in writing that someone else reads and crosses out anything personal or friendly.
You don't listen to anyone who says anything about your ExH, for example if your Mother is fond of ExH, make it very clear you don't want to hear about him at all.
You get a restraining order against ExH.
No emails, no facebook, no hugs.
Please try to imagine if your H was involved with an ex of some kind how you would feel, especially if they were still in love with your H.
Even if you divorce you need ExH OUT of your life as he will poison your next relationship.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 08/20/13 09:34 PM.
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Ok but my ex husband has full custody of the boys. How do I handle that situation?
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You handle it like I handle it with my ex-wife. We are never alone together. Our conversations only revolve around our children. My ex and I get along well but I do not have a friendship with her or communicate except to make arrangements on where to meet and when on exchanging the children. The nice thing now is my oldest drives as of two weeks ago, so now I don't really have to see my ex at all. They are an ex for a reason.
I would never have an affair with my ex but I treat all female interactions the same - never alone and never personal.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Thank you for the advice and help. It's has helped me see a whole new perspective on everything.
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