A couple of years ago, after 13 years of marriage, my wife caught me looking at inappropriate web sites, including escort sites. I was caught before anything happened, though I am not sure my wife believes me. After some attempts at therapy, we separated. After this, I took a temporary assignment overseas.
I recently caught my spouse in an affair. My three-year old son gave it away, when he kept mentioning a man�s name that I had not heard of before. This man gave him gifts, which seemed a bit inappropriate. I asked her if she was having an affair with this man, but she denied it. So I invaded her privicy by checking her e-mail, and I got the confirmation of what I dreaded. To make matters worse, the person she is with has a criminal record including prison time.
My spouse has agreed to isolate my Son from this man, and has told me she will break off the relationship, but she is waffling.
I have exposed the affair to my family (but not hers), which she is not very happy about. She is also unhappy about the fact that I invaded her privacy by reading her e-mail.
I have also told her that I am still very much in-love with her and want to get back together. She is very skeptical about this, but claims to be keeping an open mind. She doesn't believe that I really have changed my own behavior. She wants "action not words". I am coming back home as soon as practical, and I hope desperately to reconcile. She was worried that I would consider her �damaged goods�, but I told her that I love her now as much as the day we married.

What actions must I take to back up my loving words?

You need to move back into your marital home as soon as possible. What's keeping you from doing this? End your temporary assignment and go home.

Continue to snoop quietly and gather your information. Get solid proof of the affair and keep it in a safe place. This is not "invading her privacy." Married people don't have the right to privacy, except when going to the bathroom. Marriages NEED to be transparent and integrated and this includes opening up emails and other means of communication to one another.

Expose widely to everyone who knows you and your wife. Ask them to speak to your wife and tell her the relationship is a big mistake and that it is doomed. Ask them for their support. Demand that she end her affair. Tell her that you want to have a romantic, passionate, safe marriage with her and that you will do whatever it takes together to get there.

Run off the criminal OM.

What actions is she looking for from you? Do you have love busters? Eliminate them from your life.

Please read this: Exposure 101

I agree with everything Longway said, expose the affair and run this man off. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so getting it out into the open will ruin the fantasy. If you have to, file for separation so you can keep this creep away from your child.

Can you move into your home with her? And do you understand that a marriage cannot be sustained if you live apart?

Privacy is what you deserve when you use the bathroom. You didn't "invade her privacy".

Secrecy is hiding an affair from your spouse. There should be no secrecy in a marriage. You did what was right. Don't worry about her fogbabble.

My wife moved into her own home 6 months prior to my assignment.
I realize that I need to come home to work on the marriage.
Since she lives in her own home, I can't move in without her consent.
I feel that I abandoned her in a time of need even though she left me.
So I own that I am responsible for the environment that left my wife vulnerable to this predictor. I am visiting in 2 weeks and will have to find a place to live. The marital residence is leased for another year.

I hope for a kind of re-Marrige at some point in the future.

Yes I did 5 out of 6 Marrige busters. Not doing that anymore.
Doing my best with flowers and love notes to deposit points in her love bank.

Still she doesn't believe me, at least not yet.

Get the book Surviving an Affair. You can get the ebook version to read on your computer or phone for only $10.

Watch this video:

Infidelity: What every couple should know

You need to do more than that. You need to expose this affair so that it can die.

Read the "exposure 101" link in MelodyLane's signature.

You need to tell her family as well. They need to know their grandson is in danger.


Smile and refuse to debate it with her. You did the right thing, but you don't have to persuade her of that. It's okay if she thinks it was the wrong thing to do.

I have exposed the affair to my family (but not hers)...What actions must I take to back up my loving words?

EXPOSE TO HER FAMILY!

Do NOT confuse being RIGHT with being UNLOVING! There can be no more loving action than snatching a crackpipe away from an addict, a Scotch bottle from a drunk, or a criminal POSOM from a disoriented WW.

Also, who have you exposed to on OM's side?

This man is a criminal who has seduced your wife..

Is there any reason in particular why his family and friends don't know? Why are you protecting this scumbag's reputation?

It is an absolute scandal that you have not told her family of the danger she is in. She needs your help and theirs to get free of the addiction.

Not to mention your SON. Give his grandparents the info they need to help protect him.

They will still love her! As you do.

Stop being scared, stop walking on eggshells, stop listening to her crazy talk about 'privacy' (good grief does she want the privacy of a room with him next?!) Stop all this waffling - yes YOU are the one on the fence.

Then START. Exposure is always the place to start. Blow the A into smithereens with the truth. Get all the dark stuff, the secret 'private' stuff, into the light where your wife can get loving, supportive help (and you need this too!)

THEN you will be off the fence and ready to begin.

Next time she tries using the privacy card, say this.

"Please don't. It is heartbreaking to me that you want privacy with this man. In fact I expect you to respect the privacy of our marriage by not bringing in third parties from now on".

"But you read my emails"

"I will do anything to protect you and protect my family. I will not discuss this again. I expect you to be an open book in future."

Wanted to update. The affair is now over, after discussions with the other-man's ex-spouse along with background investigations already done revealed to my wife the true picture of the type of man she was with.

But she is still not ready to sign-up to live as a married couple (we are still legaly married, but living separatly). I am following Plan-A, and hope I can win her back. She is so skeptical because she feels that the martial enivornment was "toxic" to her. Those words hit me very hard. I hope that by avoiding love busters I can become a non-toxic husband. She keeps the door open to possibilities, but only a tiny crack.

Lack of encouragment makes keeping the faith and following Plan A to be challanging. I hold out hope, but have periods of great despair and hopelessness.

Your main problem appears to be listening to a wayward.

Listening to a wayward, and taking what they say as gospel, is the best way to puncture your motivation and get the worst (and untruthful) review of yourself ever.

I'd link the Never take the word of a wayward thread if I wasn't on my phone.

'Toxic' is a disrespectful judgement and it is pretty vague. Its almost definitely not true. But don't mention that to her. She's going to be a bit crazy for a while.

However, encourage her to confide in you with specific and HELPFUL complaints. Such as 'I want more time with you' etc.

Even when she says something crazy like 'toxic' don't be rattled, use the opportunity.

"I would be so happy if you would tell me exactly what I can do to make you happier"

Dr Harley encourages males to try Plan A for as long as two years ... if he can tolerate it.

So if you're in ... buckle up.

What things are you doing in your Plan A?

Have you moved out? If so, you need to move back in unless she has some sort of legal order barring you from the home. If she is living in your home, you don't need her permission to live in your home.

Here.
Never Take the Word of a Wayward

Also.
Men, Do Not Leave Your Home

Go home. Smile. Say "I love you and I'm here to stay"

Do not listen to response.