This is my first post here and I have some questions and need some insight.

I am 33 and have been married for 14 years. My husband and I went through some difficult times and sought counseling where we learned about His Needs, Her Needs and we took the emotional needs questionnaire. My husband's top needs are Physical Attractiveness, Sexual Fulfillment, and Recreational Companionship.

Here is the issue: my husband has flat out told me he doesn't find me attractive anymore. If I knew how to attach a picture of myself, I would. I am 5'4", 130lbs, long blonde hair, blue eyes. I exercise 5 days a week, so I am physically healthy. Several years ago, I went under the knife to have breast augmentation done. By society's standard, I believe I am attractive. Based on the looks I get from other men and the fact that I have been propositioned several times, I know that other men find me attractive.

So my question is this: How much do I have to do to meet my husband's demands of physical attractiveness? Beauty is completely subjective. He wants me to lose 15 more pounds and has mentioned me getting a tummy tuck (to get rid of stretch marks and c-section scar) and a chin tuck. Isn't there a point at which meeting his demands impedes on my rights as a person? How much are we asked to sacrifice to meet our spouses emotional needs?

Welcome to MB.

Did he find you physically attractive when you were first together? Is there someone else?

Yes, he used to be physically attracted to me. He thinks my body has changed too much since having kids. We met when I was still a teenager and not even finished developing.

I don't think there is someone else. He doesn't show any signs of having an affair.

Have you POJA the surgery?

Have you emailed Dr. Harley?

Are you against getting a tummy tuck? It's not a bad thing for a husband to desire his wife have one, although it should not be done against your will. There should be no sacrifice in meeting emotional needs.

And, although you don't believe he is having an affair, you should go ahead and snoop to confirm there isn't one.

There shouldn't be any long term sacrifice in meeting emotional needs. The need should be met in a way that BOTH husband and wife are enthusiastic about. This rule is the Policy of Joint Agreement (in the Basic Concepts) and should govern every decision in marriage.

Is your husband meeting your needs? Are the two of you spending enjoyable time alone together each week? Are you meeting his other needs? Dr. Harley says that typically getting the other needs met will cause husband and wife to see each other as more attractive, in addition to taking care of basic appearance issues (health, weight, hygiene, hair, clothing, makeup, etc.) He has seen couples that he and his wife personally don't think are attractive at all look at each other with the look of love in their eyes and express the feeling that the other is beautiful.

In counseling couples Dr. Harley usually focuses on four intimate emotional needs, regardless of what their personal rankings of the needs are: recreational companionship, intimate conversation, affection, and sexual fulfillment. These needs deposit the most love units. Dr. Harley specifies that 15 hours a week will be spent meeting these needs to maintain the feeling of love in a relationship. If your husband is investing his effort into doing this with you and both of you are having a good time, it is likely that this will make you look more attractive to him.

Do you think your husband is looking at internet pornography ? This could explain his point of comparison.
I'd put a keylogger on his computer.

By the way, Dr. Harley typically does not recommend cosmetic surgery for ordinary situations. He would suggest that you and your husband negotiate this, and all other situations, using the Policy of Joint Agreement as a goal and the Four Guidelines for Successful Negotiation as the process (see the Basic Concepts for more information). He would NOT suggest that you have surgery if you are not enthusiastic about it. He would OPPOSE the idea of you reluctantly having surgery.

Absolutely.

Thanks for all the responses!

I am against having any more surgeries, unless they it is my desire. I don't want to be told I have to "fix" something that I wear as a badge of honor. My stretch marks and c-section scar remind me of what it took to bear and birth our children. I don't want to get rid of them.

So in that way, it would not follow the POJA. I do not enthusiastically agree to it.



As far as meeting other needs, I enjoy meeting his need for Sexual Fulfillment and have suggested that we should be intimate more often. My husband has stated he would be more intimate with me if he found me more attractive.

He has not been meeting my emotional needs at all, and he fully recognizes and admits as such. He has said that he has no desire to fulfill my needs for Affection or Conversation because I am not meeting his top need.

As far as spending 15 hours a week together, he doesn't have that many extra hours. He works 6 days a week, usually til 8pm every night.

I know he looks at pornography. He's very open and honest about that. And I'm just not 20 anymore. I feel like crying.

I'm sorry to say that this is a big contributor to his desire. A contrast has been created, and you CAN'T meet his need for physical attractiveness as long as he is looking at porn.

His looking at porn is making you less attractive to him by comparison thanks to the contrast effect. He is ruining any chance you have of meeting this emotional need for him.

He should NOT be looking at porn, because you are not enthusiastic about him doing it, and because it damages your marriage by making it impossible for you to meet his emotional needs.

Then you are at an impasse. He is creating a situation that will destroy your marriage. It is unrealistic of him to expect you to meet all of his needs before he even starts meeting your needs at all. Dr. Harley starts couples out on the 15 hours meeting the 4 intimate needs IMMEDIATELY in most cases.

Plus, he is making it impossible for you to ever meet this need.

Tell your husband you need him to stop looking at pornography, and come back and tell us how he responds. Explain to him that the pornography is making it impossible for you to ever meet his need for an attractive spouse. Don't put it in any religious terms or express any judgment to him over it. Just tell him you can't meet his need for an attractive spouse as long as he is looking at porn. And let him know that it is HURTFUL to you for him to view it.

According to Dr. Harley, even if other needs come out on top, the priority needs to be the four intimate needs. He would encourage your husband to work with you on those four FIRST.

Dr. Harley also says that the problem of women not getting their needs met is what causes the end of most marriages. Neglect of emotional needs is a very serious problem for wives. There is very little alternative when a husband refuses to meet his wife's needs other than to prepare for a separation.

It is unrealistic for him to expect you to drive yourself to the point of sacrifice to meet his needs before he expends any effort to meet yours. It is a delaying tactic. Dr. Harley's program is for husband and wife to make an agreement to an EXCHANGE: I'll meet your needs and you meet mine.

Please read.
Addiction to Pornography #1
Addiction to Pornography #2